it sounds like you are both stuck in a push/pull situation.
breaking the cycle is hard, but it can be done. generally, one person has to be willing to lead, and take that step, and set the example.
there are two great resources to start with. one is about stopping the bleeding...no longer making things worse. its not specific, think of it as more of an introduction. you can find it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htmthe second is a great deal more specific, and includes a 3 minutes lesson on taking steps to end conflict:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflictwhat do you think?