Help What can/should I do? Wife is leaving and wants to take our son

[RestlessWanderer]

Hi, I need some quick advice on how to handle this situation: basically, my uBPDw is leaving me and is planning on taking our son. She read my text messages on my phone and is dysregulating based on her interpretation of conversations I’ve had work female friends and coworkers. She feels betrayed because of what she perceived as me seeking sympathy as a victim of her. I know I haven’t done anything wrong. But at this point I won’t fight a divorce.
I’m afraid that if I let her take him I may be setting a precedent that will weaken my chances of equal custody/visitation. I’m also afraid of her reaction if I try to stop her. I definitely don’t want to cause a fight that may traumatize or soon.
I don’t know how to proceed.

Help me figure out how to handle this please. She’s packing up to leave as I type.

[ForeverDad]

Speaking from a legal standpoint — though understand that we members are here as peer support — both you and your spouse have equal but undefined parental rights.  Until there is a court order where at first you get a temporary order, it is virtually the law of the jungle, in other words, possession rules the day.  And mothers often can make more emotionally compelling claims.  Not that it is right nor fair, but in many areas that's the way it starts.

I don't know how you can 'stop' her from leaving with her/your son.  Is she planning to make allegations of DV or child abuse to block you from parenting?  (Many acting-out disordered mothers adopt that strategy, regardless whether it is true or not.  Be forewarned.)

You are wise to accept that the marriage is sufficiently dysfunctional that it is time to end and unwind the relationship.  That's the task of domestic court or family court.  Police probably won't step in unless (1) the see a court's temp order or (2) there are allegations of DV or child abuse.  Their goal is not to enforce fairness but rather defuse or minimize any risk of an incident.  (Hint:  Make sure you never raise your voice or say/do anything that could be construed as abuse or endangerment.  In other words, don't lose your temper, be as angelic as possible.)

[ForeverDad]

What she does today or even next week will not have much of an impact on your long term parenting prospects.  If you did nothing while she blocked you from your child for months, then maybe she'd be able to claim you're an uninvolved or uncaring parent.

For all you know, when she calms down she may return.  Let's hope so.  If she doesn't, well, then you will be able to discern fairly soon whether she cooperates with your firm request that you have equal or 50% time with your child.  If not, then you can't force anything without getting into legal trouble.

Monday morning you need to consult with an experienced (proactive but not overly aggressive) family law attorney to determine where you stand, what options and strategies are available to you.

Be aware that if you're trying to make a marriage work, sharing and cooperating is important.  But if the marriage is failing or has failed then you need to maintain privacy and confidentiality with your legal consultations.  Sharing too much information (TMI) with her could end up sabotaging you sooner or later.

How old is your child?

[RestlessWanderer]

Claiming DV has never been her MO. She claims to want to be fair for his sake.
I definitely did a good job of maintaining my composure last night. I understand the stakes and definitely what the risk of loosing my temper is. Ive done a good job of keeping my cool over the last couple of years.

[ForeverDad]

For the future...
Your son is in elementary school.  If she leaves, does not return, and you do get blocked or get too little parenting time, then when you file seeking more parenting authority and time, also include with your request that you be assigned school and perhaps too other authority such as medical, etc.  If she is placed or left in charge of school matters, then you'll be back in court over and over again.

If court really prefers joint custody, then try seeking Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Yes, it is still joint but it allows you to proceed with your reasonable decisions and be stuck waiting months for a judge or mediator to get around to adjudicating the matter.

[RestlessWanderer]

He’s 7. I will definitely call an attorney tomorrow and prepare.

[RestlessWanderer]

She left a few minutes ago with our son. I spent most of the day with him, which was nice and good for both of us. I didn’t want to fight and cause trauma to him, so I said goodbye to him and told I love him and will see him soon. I hope I did the right thing.

[ForeverDad]

Right now the ball is in her court.  Will she return?  If not, will she "allow" you parenting time?  How much time?  Only time will tell.  It's so distressing when the time with our little children is used as a weapon.

Her trigger was an adult action/response.  A disordered person is not only easily triggered, but reactions to adult matters become twisted up with parenting matters.

Meanwhile, seek your confidential consultations with a few lawyers.  You have a right to keep such consultations private.  Choose one who has experience and good strategies.  In our cases we typically need more than a basic lawyer who files forms and holds hands.  Right now it's hard to say how soon and to what extent you'll need a lawyer's guidance but you do need to be prepared legally.