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Author Topic: Just got a text message from my ex-g/f  (Read 1138 times)
brighter future
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« on: October 12, 2020, 08:42:35 AM »

I was sitting here working at my desk about 15 minutes ago and heard the text message chime go off on my phone, so I picked the phone up to see who the message was from. Low and behold, it was from my uBPD ex-g/f. We broke up back in April. The last text message I received from her was in early May, and the last time she posted on my social media page before I unfriended her was in the latter part of May. Prior to the text message this morning, I received two pings over the last 4 weeks from her through posts I'd made on mutual friends pages.

About a year and a half ago, I was cleaning out my garage and donated several items that I didn't need to a charitable organization. One of the items I had that I wanted to get rid of was an old microwave cart on wheels that was in good condition, as it was not being used and takes up a fair amount of space.   She told me that she and her kids could use it and asked if she could have it. I said that would be great and that I had no use for it.  So I delivered it over to her rental house a day or two later. The text she sent me this morning said, "Hello, I no longer need that rolling microwave cart that you gave me. I was wanting to know if you wanted it back. If not, I'll probably give it away, but I wanted to get your permission first. Let me know.  Thank you, and I hope you are doing well."

It took her about five months to contact me, but what many of you (and my counselor) predicted finally happened. Why on earth would she think that I'd want that old cart back when I told her that I permanently wanted rid of it when I gave it to her? It is funny how she would use that object as an excuse to contact me. I have not contacted her since our text message exchange in early May. Each of the two times she's pinged me over social media in the last month including the phone text message today have all occurred during her rebound man's scheduled work days. I've been told through a mutual friend that she was feeling him out for marriage at the end of July and asked him to move in with her back in September. Supposedly he declined both offers, so maybe she's starting to get restless with him and is checking on my availability. This friend also said she's a terrible mess emotionally and continues to steadily gain weight. They saw her at a family birthday gathering a couple of weeks ago.   I feel for her, but I just wish she'd leave well enough alone.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

I have not opened the text message (just looked at the preview on my screen), as I did not want to her know I've seen/read it. My plan is to reply with something short and sweet if I decide to reply at all. Maybe something like this: "Please feel free to give the cart away to someone who needs it. Best wishes to you and the kids." My guess is she's wanting to initiate some type of contact with me again.



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« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2020, 08:48:40 AM »

Its bizarre how susceptible we remain with their hooks
I know i have yet to block my ex, despite all my friends and family telling me to do so
I still ache for her every day so Im not really best placed to advise you
But based on the guidance from wiser people on here, no contact is absolutely the only way
Based on that, no reply would seem like the best approach
 
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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2020, 11:18:58 AM »

Its bizarre how susceptible we remain with their hooks
I know i have yet to block my ex, despite all my friends and family telling me to do so
I still ache for her every day so Im not really best placed to advise you
But based on the guidance from wiser people on here, no contact is absolutely the only way
Based on that, no reply would seem like the best approach
 

I agree, Andy. I've been following your story, and I am so sorry for what you've been through.  When I unfriended her off of social media in late May and quit talking to her in early May, I hoped that she'd get the message. Apparently not. Our mutual friends told me that they feel like she's trying to get me to notice her again. They described her last week as "an absolute mess" and said "please stay far, far, far away from her." I learned that both of her kids are now in therapy, and the youngest is on psychotropic medication of some kind. She's the source of the biggest part of her children's issues, and she has yet to get help herself. I don't see a whole lot changing with the kids, unfortunately, until she decides to get help for herself as well.
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2020, 12:04:12 PM »

I’m not surprised this happened. This is so very common and I don’t know about you, but I would get all shaky when I would get a message. As tough as I would want to be, I actually found myself happy when he would send messages.. Almost like...I’m glad you thought of me. Or, I hope this means you miss me. I wouldn’t want to admit it, but those were my thoughts.

What I also learned (I’m 1.5 years out and he’s blocked everywhere) is that not blocking, despite not responding, was keeping me attached. It delayed my ability to move towards a life without him in my mind.

Just something to think about Smiling (click to insert in post)
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
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« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2020, 07:39:50 AM »

I’m not surprised this happened. This is so very common and I don’t know about you, but I would get all shaky when I would get a message. As tough as I would want to be, I actually found myself happy when he would send messages.. Almost like...I’m glad you thought of me. Or, I hope this means you miss me. I wouldn’t want to admit it, but those were my thoughts.

What I also learned (I’m 1.5 years out and he’s blocked everywhere) is that not blocking, despite not responding, was keeping me attached. It delayed my ability to move towards a life without him in my mind.

Just something to think about Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm not surprised that she sent me the phone text message yesterday, however, the first two social media pings did surprise me somewhat. Last night I realized that it was one year to the day that we left together for our week long Fall Break beach vacation. Maybe that's what prompted her to send that text message to me yesterday, who knows. In the first 3 months following the breakup, a message like this would have made me highly anxious for several days. The message yesterday just left me really bewildered.

A couple of my good friends at work saw the message on my phone, and both stated "She's just looking for an excuse to get in touch with you." I waited nearly 14 hours to respond to her after she sent the message. All  I said was, "No, I don't need it back. It was a gift. Please feel free to give it away to someone that can use it." I never replied to her inquiring how I was doing as I figured it would open the door for unwanted conversation. About 30 minutes later I got a reply from her simply saying, "Ok, thank you." I'm assuming that she was hoping for a more lengthy reply from me sooner than 14 hours after her original message. Once again, who knows.
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« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2020, 10:14:48 AM »

Hey brighter future, It sounds like you handled your response well.  I agree with your colleagues at work: she was throwing you a few crumbs to test the waters, but you didn't take the bait.  Now is the time to proceed with detachment.  I suggest you get back to being who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive for authenticity.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2020, 11:13:17 AM »

Hey brighter future, It sounds like you handled your response well.  I agree with your colleagues at work: she was throwing you a few crumbs to test the waters, but you didn't take the bait.  Now is the time to proceed with detachment.  I suggest you get back to being who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive for authenticity.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

Thanks, Lucky Jim. I questioned myself even responding to her at first. When I was typing my response, I kept remembering my counselor's advice and the advice from all of you in here. Less is best when responding to them. My counselor has told me over the last 5 months, "She is mentally ill, try not to be angry with her. If you must respond, keep it short and sweet. Just show compassion from a distance."  I honestly pray for her often that she will finally get help and learn to love herself.
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« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2020, 12:10:43 PM »

perhaps this contact reach initiation on her side could be an opportunity for closure? (for what could be seen as both of you),

 im not the best person to advise how to, the fine details of doing it most effectively.

just suggesting, if done skillfully and presupposing that closure is what your goal is it might be something worth considering.
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« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2020, 01:06:50 PM »

perhaps this contact reach initiation on her side could be an opportunity for closure? (for what could be seen as both of you),

 im not the best person to advise how to, the fine details of doing it most effectively.

just suggesting, if done skillfully and presupposing that closure is what your goal is it might be something worth considering.


I'm not sure, Cromwell. The way she discarded me left me with absolutely no closure. I literally went from someone that was the "the man of her dreams" and her "soulmate",  the man she wanted to marry, etc. one week to a pile of crap the next week that "does nothing but drag me (her) down."  Two weeks after the breakup when she ran off with the rebound man (before that we'd talked about counseling and trying to work things out), I asked her how and why her opinion of me changed so quickly, basically overnight. All I got was, "I can't answer that now. I don't have the energy for any more questions."  Over the last 5-6 months, I've had time to process the breakup on my own, in this forum, and in counseling. After sifting through things, I believe I have a good grasp on why things are the way they are,  and I don't feel like I need closure from her end. Several months ago, it would have been a different story for me. Now as far as she goes, I really can't say.  There's no telling what's going through her mind right now. I'm the type of person that can't jump from one relationship to the next two weeks later like she did. You've got to completely close the door on one relationship before you can start another.

As I said earlier, I ended up telling her that I didn't want that cabinet back. In all reality, she knew that when I gave it to her a year and a half ago because I was going to donate it to a local charitable organization. If I would have stated that I wanted it back, that would have meant we would have had to meet up to hand it off. Her parents live next door to me, and it's not uncommon for me to see her over there visiting 1-3 times per week.  So, I can't completely avoid her.
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« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2020, 04:09:34 PM »

So as it stands today, she asked for permission to give the microwave away, something that was already hers and you gave up possession and ownership of. You gave her permission to give it to someone that needs it (rather than her decide what to do)

Sounds like couple-speech to me

your thoughts?
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« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2020, 04:35:33 PM »

So as it stands today, she asked for permission to give the microwave away, something that was already hers and you gave up possession and ownership of. You gave her permission to give it to someone that needs it (rather than her decide what to do)

Sounds like couple-speech to me

your thoughts?


Cromwell, that is correct. I gave her that microwave cart while we were dating about a year and a half ago. I no longer needed it and was going to donate it to charity. But, she said she’d like to have it, so I passed it on to her. It, along with several other items that I gave her over the course of two years were considered gifts as well. I wouldn’t have known or cared if she gave the cart away without my knowledge because we don’t speak any longer. If we were still on speaking terms or still in a relationship, her inquiry would have had more credibility or seemed genuine. Does that make sense?
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« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2020, 06:26:10 PM »

It is the "give me permission" part that does not make sense.

As much as being confused why you would be giving permission, does not belong to you for 1.5 years, no joint interest or responsibility.

Just surprised and not sure what to make of it, except if I viewed it from an existing relationship frameset. Couple involved in decision making process on what to do with a household appliance. That makes sense, in that context.
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« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2020, 07:08:36 PM »

It is the "give me permission" part that does not make sense

I agree, my friend.
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« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2020, 09:32:17 AM »

Well, it’s been about five days since my ex girlfriend sent me that text message that I was referring to in the first post on this thread.  I haven’t heard anything else from her except for OK thank you when I provided a brief answer to her text message. Out of curiosity, I went to her Facebook page this morning, and it is completely open allowing me to see all of her posts. When I decided to go no contact with her in May and unfriended her, I could not see anything that she was posting, which was the result I was looking for. NoW it’s almost like she wants me to see what she’s posting. Apparently she must’ve changed her settings somehow. I guess this is something that I can talk about with my counselor next Wednesday.
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« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2020, 10:11:59 AM »

Please be careful
I know that part if this is wishful thinking
The hold they have over us is so powerful
I have spent so many weeks tryinhto heal, maintaining no contact
But i still check her FB, look every day to see if she has unblocked my WhatsApp
If she rang me i would answer, i shouldn't but I would
Keep away, i know its hard,
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« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2020, 09:44:57 AM »

Please be careful
I know that part if this is wishful thinking
The hold they have over us is so powerful
I have spent so many weeks tryinhto heal, maintaining no contact
But i still check her FB, look every day to see if she has unblocked my WhatsApp
If she rang me i would answer, i shouldn't but I would
Keep away, i know its hard,


I hear you, Andy. I just hate the mind games they play with us. My counselor read through several emails and text messages between my ex and I, , and she said the mind Games my ex was playing with me was unreal. The text message she sent me out of the blue this week followed by opening up her social media page is no different.

Out of habit, I look at her page a few times per week. That’s a habit I need to break. Just yesterday she posted a new selfie of herself and the new man.

I can honestly say if she actually called me, I don’t believe I would answer. I’ve come too far to to do that. As I said, good mutual friends are telling me to stay away saying that she’s an emotional wreck and that nothing has changed since we split up. She’s hit the 5-6 month mark with this guy, so the honeymoon phase is probably over.
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« Reply #16 on: October 19, 2020, 09:34:43 AM »

Excerpt
good mutual friends are telling me to stay away saying that she’s an emotional wreck and that nothing has changed since we split up. She’s hit the 5-6 month mark with this guy, so the honeymoon phase is probably over.

Hey bf, The bottom line is she still suffers from BPD.  Consider yourself lucky to be out of the firing line.  Now she's the New Guy's problem.  I doubt it's going well for them.  So what?  It's not your problem anymore.

Suggest you be grateful for having dodged a bullet.  Time to move on, my friend.

LJ
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« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2020, 10:28:02 AM »

I totally agree
My thoughts in the last few days have been about whether the glitches have started for the new guy yet
I know its obsessive thinking to a degree but it helps with my coming to terms with everything
I absolutely know that if it hasn't already happened its about to as it took me about 6 to 8 weeks to experience it for the first time and I was so confused
Rereading messages from way back showed me that the pattern was constant
Fall out, break up, she apologises, back to square one
You know than can be no future so stay away
I think about mine every single day, many times per day
But ,more and more its the negative things I remember.
Everything else just seems like one big lie
Like everyone here Im taking baby steps to healing again
What else is there?




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« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2020, 10:29:12 AM »

Hey bf, The bottom line is she still suffers from BPD.  Consider yourself lucky to be out of the firing line.  Now she's the New Guy's problem.  I doubt it's going well for them.  So what?  It's not your problem anymore.

Suggest you be grateful for having dodged a bullet.  Time to move on, my friend.

LJ

Thanks, LJ. So many people have told me that I dodged a bullet, and I know that I'm much better off.  I really think that text message from her last week affected me a bit more than I originally thought. Throughout the rest of the week, I found myself rehashing the breakup off and on and also reflecting on the great times we had together. I also found myself feeling a bit angry at her again for how she abruptly discarded me then went back to the new guy for seconds (she was with him right after she filed for divorce and left her ex-husband before she was ever involved with me). He must not have a whole lot of self-respect if he's allowing her to use him again, but that's his problem. Both of her kids have significant issues as I've already said. I really love them, but I can't imagine dealing with all of that plus the issues my ex has. It would have been a mess for my child and I if I ended up marrying her.

I spent the day with good friends yesterday helping them out with some home improvement projects. It was great to get out and do things with good people to keep my mind occupied. When I got home from their house, my ex-g/f was next door at her parents. Instead of unloading all of my equipment and tools out of my truck right then, I went inside to wash up and eat thinking that if I did that it'd be less likely that I would run into her. Roughly an our later, she left. So, I went outside a short time after that to unload my truck. As I was getting the last bit of stuff out of the truck, she pulled up again at her parent's. I thought this must not be my lucky day. Instead of acknowledging her or the kids, I just ignored them and walked back into my garage so there would be no interaction. Once I saw they'd gone back in her parent's house, I went back out and got the remainder of my things out of the truck. One of the kids almost always runs over to visit me if he sees me outside when they are visiting. I don't mind him visiting, but with my ex being out there at the same time, I definitely didn't want any interaction.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2020, 10:47:50 AM by brighter future » Logged
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« Reply #19 on: October 19, 2020, 12:18:44 PM »

I'm not sure, Cromwell. The way she discarded me left me with absolutely no closure. I literally went from someone that was the "the man of her dreams" and her "soulmate",  the man she wanted to marry, etc. one week to a pile of crap the next week that "does nothing but drag me (her) down."  Two weeks after the breakup when she ran off with the rebound man (before that we'd talked about counseling and trying to work things out), I asked her how and why her opinion of me changed so quickly, basically overnight. All I got was, "I can't answer that now. I don't have the energy for any more questions."

Given the information above, I would either not respond at all (probably the route I would choose), or I would respond with brutal honesty with something like "you threw me away like a piece of trash, I wish you the best but please do not ever contact me again in life."
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« Reply #20 on: October 20, 2020, 08:26:39 AM »

I totally agree
My thoughts in the last few days have been about whether the glitches have started for the new guy yet
I know its obsessive thinking to a degree but it helps with my coming to terms with everything
I absolutely know that if it hasn't already happened its about to as it took me about 6 to 8 weeks to experience it for the first time and I was so confused
Rereading messages from way back showed me that the pattern was constant
Fall out, break up, she apologises, back to square one
You know than can be no future so stay away
I think about mine every single day, many times per day
But ,more and more its the negative things I remember.
Everything else just seems like one big lie
Like everyone here Im taking baby steps to healing again
What else is there?

Andy,

During my 2 year relationship with my ex-g/f, there were no breakups or recycles. There was frequent push/pull behavior with her, however. She confided in me that at times she "was terrified to get too close" to me for fear of "being broken again." One time she told me, "Part of why I can't stand to get too close to you is because I've messed up really bad in past relationships. But you are different from the others. I don't want to mess it up. I just want to do things right." Unfortunately, BPD reared its ugly head, and she went into full destructive mode in our relationship. The rest as they say is history.

Early on in our relationship, she'd met some of my very close friends. They really liked her in the beginning, and I told her what they said a few days after she met them. She said, "That's great. They are nice people, but most people end up not liking me after they really get to know me. They shouldn't get their hopes up." On another occasion, she told me that there were a few guys she dated in really quick relationships when she was in her early 20's before she had her daughter and met her ex-husband. She said that each of these guys "Just quit talking to me and wouldn't return my calls or text messages. I never understood why." One of these guys was the father of her daughter. He was a former high school classmate that she had a quick relationship. My guess is these guys caught on to her issues and got out while the getting was good. Unfortunately I didn't, but I don't plan on going back for more. The poor sap that came along two weeks after me went back for more. He got out of rehab recently for alcohol abuse. I can't imagine dealing with her issues would be good for his ongoing recovery. Not my problem though.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: October 20, 2020, 08:46:32 AM by brighter future » Logged
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« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2020, 06:47:14 AM »

On the subject of anger.
And social media.
The association already outlined

I was angry enough and in the r/s those moments came where it was red cloth put in front of me, an invitation to charge for it. I didn't, but this energy is what has to be controlled, internalised, repressed even. Unhealthy, needs fixed later, having to go through therapy and all that hassle.

But i used to check her cr@ptastic facebook self promotion fake self diatribe and it was on some of those occasions the red cloth is there, upset my day, at least.

It just pivotal learning experience, trying, reflecting that yes, "the so called one" is not all that i had hoped for.

You dont need to change BF, none of us do, quite within our rights to behave this way.
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« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2020, 07:56:09 AM »

reflect strongly, I moved house from an area of the country that Id spent two decades aiming to live in that neighbourhood. Moving away, can be an option, it is a "changeable". It is highly recommended in so many situations. This scenario you are in, it is weighing up time, it is specific to you, I dont know the fine details, but

"i cant ever avoid her, her family live next door"

how accurate is it. it sounds disempowering a bit fatalistic.

I mean, could you move away? is it an option.

out of sight in my experience, is, literally, out of mind - eventually. it helped.
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« Reply #23 on: October 23, 2020, 08:59:06 AM »

Cromwell,

Thanks again for your input and support!

I agree that social media is mostly fantasy. The mutual friend that my ex and I have says that the ex spent a lot of her time showering her rebound guy with praise and adornment before she relaxed her settings and made her page open to everyone. The friend says most of the posts appear to be not genuine and seem to be more geared to roping this guy in so he'll take care of my ex. My ex did very little in the way of posting a bunch of mushy social media nonsense about our relationship while we were together, which is the way I preferred it. She, however, has a different approach with this guy. I've also been told her home life with her children is a disaster as well, and the two children are in therapy. At least she finally got them some professional help though. Now she needs to get some for herself!

As far as myself, the things I'm working on changing is my codependency and also my self-confidence. I do love myself, but my self-confidence still needs some work. I got knocked down a few notches after this relationship. My therapist told me a couple of days ago that she believes I have some mild PTSD going on. This is from 8 years of dealing with my ex-wife's non stop mental illness (we have a child together) and our divorce, combined with the breakup with my ex-g/f earlier this year.

As far as my ex-g/f's parents living next door to me, that's just something that I'm going to have to live with. It's gotten much easier over the past few months, but it still gets to me a little bit and some days not so much. Me moving is not really an option. I've been in this home for well over 20 years, and this is the only home my child really knows. I made a promise to her that I would do my best to see that we never had to move and that she could grow up here in this home. I agree with you that out of sight, out of mind would be best. My ex-g/f actually lived next door for a short time when she and her ex-husband separated. That is what got us talking initially (we already knew each other for several years), but I didn't start a relationship with her until several months later. She started fooling around with the guy that she's with now right after she moved out of her parent's home and got an apartment, then she discarded him to start dating me. I never knew about him until 6 weeks or so into our relationship when she told me about the fling with him. Of course, she went back to him two weeks after our relationship ended. What a damn tangled mess!
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« Reply #24 on: October 23, 2020, 08:03:35 PM »

Your welcome BrighterFuture

I enjoy trying to help in some way towards getting people what it is that they want.
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« Reply #25 on: October 24, 2020, 05:40:18 PM »

Just to elaborate what i mean is, when i hear tangle mess. It is but part of it is from our side and that's a hard thing sometimes to both say to someone upset by it. The relationships all of them and whatever personalities involved 2 to tango and 2 to tangle.

Going no contact did not suddenly derangle everything though, but it did stop more in my case.

I hear you about residual ptsd. Im happy to hear you have support from a professional. I believe i had also, but it has alleviated over the years.

Can i ask because i do hear what she has done but what i dont know so much is, what would you want now its over. It took me ages to find out that actually i had a life before, still did with her, still have one now. Its a big world, lots of potential relationships.

Took awhile to start chisel in that block of pain and upset and put something new on the rotten wood.

I think it in hindsight would have helped, but the mindset i was in didn't allow it. Too focused on the heightened emotional pain. But when thoughts start monopolised to a person, time goes on nonetheless.

Ive started to go out again, used to enjoy it, its as fun as it always was and im sure similar available from these last 3 years i stopped going.

My advice and question is, allocate some percentage of talk about yourself time and time for yourself. I was going to say separate from therapy, it in my opinion is crucial part of it that can help. I needed to take a selfish pill for awhile, its not changed me long term but it was a strong short term antidote.

It sounds like anxiety to avoid her i understand, but she doesn't own you brighter future. They can pick up on the fear and power differential. My ex was not a control freak in a sick sadistic sense of the term. Bjt she was one and i dont believe for all the relationships she had had that they involved any confident, assertive, self assured guys.

Normal mentally well and secure personalities don't put up with this cr@p for more than 60seconds.

I know this is your topic and im part joining in, but i feel its relevant. Ive talked thousands of posts ive rarely if ever talked about what "i want". I picked up this with yours. Its a tone of indecisiveness.

I think you could have just said "i don't want the microwave thanks'

Clear, succinct, decisive. The less said the better. Thr more said the more chance it gets misinterpreted into emotional realms.

She may notice that you are less explanatory thsn before. But so what? You wanted the relationship over anyway? Or do you. Cos im not so sure how it comes across.
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« Reply #26 on: November 02, 2020, 03:46:42 PM »

Hi Cromwell,

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your last post. I've had a very busy last 9 days or so. Most of it was due to work and the fact that my BPD ex-wife left town again a little over a week ago for an inpatient treatment center (her 7th inpatient in as many years). There was a lot of back and forth nonsense with her which took up a lot of time and energy.  My BPD ex-wife is and always will be a manipulating control freak like you described below. I honestly don't think any amount of therapy or work on her part is going to fix what's wrong with her.

As far as my uBPD ex-g/f goes, nothing has happened since the text message I got from her nearly 3 weeks ago. I haven't heard another word from her luckily.  I think my very brief return message to her may have disappointed her because of the shortness of the message and the fact that I replied 14 hours after she sent me the message. When we were together, there was rarely a short supply of conversation. Again, I'm sure she picked up on that with my brief reply. Maybe she got the clue that I didn't really want to talk to her? Who knows. On each of the 3 times I've heard from her in the last 5-6 weeks has always been when her new man is at work. He works the night shift, while I work the day shift.  Unlike my BPD ex-wife, my uBPD ex-g/f was not a control freak with me. That may have changed if we had married and lived under the same roof, however. I'll never know for sure.

Oddly enough, I received a text from her mother and father that live next door to me early last week. They wanted to know if I wanted to come outside to say hello and that they wanted to show my daughter and I their outdoor Halloween display. I obliged, and my daughter went out to visit with them. After they showed us the Halloween display, my ex-g/f's mother started talking about her grandchildren (my ex's kids). She told us that their grandson talks about me and my child quite frequently and that he has been wanting to see us. I told him he was more than welcome to drop over to say hello whenever they are visiting next door.  She also shared with me that both kids go with their dad a lot (my ex-g/f's ex-husband) even on the weekends that they are supposed to be with my ex-g/f. That wasn't the case while we were together. My suspicion is that the kids don't want to be at home and would rather be with their dad as opposed to being at home with their mother and her rebound boyfriend. Both kids are now in therapy, and the youngest is on medication of some kind. I always have time for the kids if they want to see me. I can't say the same for my ex.

There is a bit of anxiety on my part to avoid her. One of her own extended family members and my counselor told me not to allow her to have that power over me. It has gotten better since last July, but it is still there somewhat. As far as what I want post relationship, all I can really say is this: Basically all I feel for her now is missing the wonderful times we had together while she was functioning well mentally. Those were some of the best times of my life with a significant other. Aside from that, I do not miss her constantly fluctuating moods, goals, viewpoints, and the push/pull behavior. Rarely did she ever finish anything that she started. It's unfortunate because she is a very smart and gifted woman. She just doesn't have the mental capability to put those tools to use. The same goes for her relationship skills.  I have been sleeping better since the breakup, and I haven't been experiencing the blood pressure issues I was having while I was with her. I'll be at the 7 month mark in about two weeks.

Out of all of the women I've ever had a relationship with, I have never gone back for a rebound with any of them. My ex-g/f before my ex-wife tried to recycle me three times post-relationship, but I shut her down each time. My ex-wife tried to reconcile through mediation before the divorce, but I declined. I hope to keep that same mindset with my most recent ex-g/f as well.





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« Reply #27 on: November 03, 2020, 03:21:26 AM »

That's fine Brighter Future

I might reply a bit short here, in comparison to my previous post, it is because im using phone and on the bus.

It was interesting to revise the initial post you made and compare it to this latest. Sorry for applying some pressure i had to do it

I think its good you don't know what you want. For the meantime sounds like she was perfect for you with imperfections.

Would that be perfect except for {intolerable} parts
Or perfect and including the pull and push that you took part in. {it takes two} its not her fault entirely.

She should feel fortunate that you would text at all, regardless of how briefly. My ex seemed to get relief at moments if id text at all regardless if it was loving, angry.

She may well have just wanted to probe whether you still will engage in discourse.
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« Reply #28 on: November 04, 2020, 01:16:54 PM »

 think its good you don't know what you want. For the meantime sounds like she was perfect for you with imperfections.

Even though we only dated about two years, our mutual attraction went back close to 20 years. The time was never right for us to start seeing each other until 2018. There was just something about this girl. I've never had anyone look at me the way she did, and she used to say that she'd never had a man look at her the way that I did. It's really heartbreaking that things didn't work out. BPD just proved to be too much. My replacement will probably meet a similar fate one of these days just like me and her ex-husband. When the illness really took over, it seemed like no matter what I did or said was good enough for her. A similar thing was said by her ex brother-in-law during a social media rant. He called my ex-g/f a bunch of names and said "No matter what my brother did for you, it was never good enough. He loved you and tired to give you everything." Now I understand what the ex brother-in-law was referring to, and now I realize what her ex-husband went through when he was married to her. She left him and went straight to the rebound guy she's with now. As I said before, she dumped the rebound guy for me, then ultimately dumped me to go back to the rebound guy.

Would that be perfect except for {intolerable} parts
Or perfect and including the pull and push that you took part in. {it takes two} its not her fault entirely.

Yes, it takes two. I enabled a lot of her behavior due to my rescuer mentality. I grinned and bared it through most of the push/pull behavior, I enabled her emotionally, and I enabled her financially. In the very end, when she gave me the "either we get engaged or I'm out" ultimatum, I said no to her until she dealt with her emotional issues. I'll give myself a little credit here and say at least I had some boundaries and said No to engagement until those issues were resolved. If not, I would have been finished literally.   

She should feel fortunate that you would text at all, regardless of how briefly. My ex seemed to get relief at moments if id text at all regardless if it was loving, angry.

I almost didn't reply to her at all due to the way our relationship ended, and I agree with your assessment that she sent me that text message about the microwave cart to feel me out. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I had her motives figured out the moment that I read the message.

When we were together, she told me that she "would never play house with a man" and "would never live with a man unless she was married to him." This was told to me at various times during our relationship and as late as a couple of months before the breakup. A lot of this had to do with her religious beliefs. She also said, "There is no other option for me (in the way of religion)." I told her that I understood where she was coming from and respected that. Then I reinforced that I wanted her to stay true to her beliefs and that I was not trying to change her since she was not trying to change me and my religious beliefs.

Funny thing is, I was talking to one of our mutual friends a little over a week ago. My ex told this mutual friend that she's been going to non-denominational Christian churches with the rebound guy, has not been going to her regular church, and now has offered to let him move in with her and her children.  I told our friend that this blew my mind because it went against everything that my ex told me during our relationship. Our mutual friend said, "She's doing this because she is trying anything to get him to marry her or move in with her so he can take care of her. If it takes going against her religion to make that happen, then she is going to do that. It's apparent that she doesn't love herself, therefore, I don't think it's possible for her to love him. I honestly believe that she did love you, however. The mental stuff just took over, and she got self-destructive and sabotaged the relationship." As I said in my previous post, I do not miss her constantly changing goals,  viewpoints, mood shifts, etc. I'm willing to bet money that she'll keep this pattern up with this guy for a while, then she'll tell him that she feels guilty for going against her religious beliefs, etc. She pulled that stuff quite often with me.  He will end up paying the BPD price eventually.   


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« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2020, 05:34:58 PM »

Part of the detachment included to recognise that besides all else, I felt this distress that somehow her new relationship(s) would work out smoothly and it would validate the negative things she said to me sporadically.

It is part of the task, by going complete no contact including not checking her social media, no common friends to hear updates, it made this far easier.

It has worked for me but it took awhile. I realise you have some limited contact, im not sure how best to go about it. My thoughts are that consider learning some of the tools here on how to handle any interactions like this text to take the emotion out of it.

The upside to my recovery was not only to detach but to feel more emotionally capable and resilient. I know this because I put it to use daily in other non romantic relationships, it is skills that I may not have felt the need to discover had this not happened.

The past can be changed by how we live today, it is all we have to work with, I had some "we will always be together" (promises?) from her. I didn't get hooked on them, but did on others.

Lets face it "never" and "always" talk is fine when applied to> the past in sentence structure.

Beyond that, if I hear those terms use I just chuckle. Even if I catch myself using them too. "I will never speak to her again whatever happens" i broke that myself 9 months into no contact.

But I made it in a state of emotional driven search for control. I did speak to her, in a cordial but appropriate way.

Even after emotional abuse, I took part in recycle, took her back into my home, shared a bed, shared my time that is most precious, fed her when she jad no job. After being cheated on.

Feeding the enemy is a sign of strength.

I found closure that way. It was a 3 year relationship but she does not know it was 2.5 years of me playing a role whilst trying to emotionally fix and find solace and remedy what knocked me down.

I wish I  had found this place back then. Maybe done things different.

Friends will try to do their best to bring comfort. Sr all have our own unique perspective on what love is and what type we would wish to give and receive. It is as individual a concept as we are. Your friends version and your bpd exs and yours will not perfectly overlap.

Im not much of a gambler BF but im rooting for you. I think from what I hear your made of strong stuff, its early days but you are on your way with support, it is there, these relationships are well known for being moribund.

Actual breaking off and distancing, whether "discarded" or left,  no difference, it was the hardest but most crucial turning point. It takes 2 for relationship at least, nothing less.

Without the relationship, there is no power on either side, a moot point to work on. Our situations are probably more similar than on the face of it. To borrow from addiction phraseology, I had to gradually taper off, so I understand with compassion. It takes as long as it takes. Transition time.

Longer post I hope not too much, I tend to still find it helpful to talk and listen but to then take time to slowly digest, reflect and make sense of.

Wishing you well.
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