Struggling to move on

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

First time user of a community site like this one.

In a nutshell I have been completely shunned by my undiagnosed npbpd partner over a nothing incident due to her trust issues.  Then found out 3 weeks ago looks like she had been seeing another man and has moved in to her place. She discarded me around 4 months ago.

I am struggling to move on? I'm sad,  don't want to socialise, lonely...  normally I am such a positive social person. 

Since finding out about this other guy which I actually thought she was seeing when together and denied it and said did not have one romantic feeling toward him.  I now been so angry and dewildered.  I have resorted to sending her'please explain' text that have got pretty personal.   

That is also not like me but I can't help it,  I loved her so much and she has hurt me badly.

[Domonic]

Hi,

First time user of a community site like this one.

In a nutshell I have been completely shunned by my undiagnosed npbpd partner over a nothing incident due to her trust issues.  Then found out 3 weeks ago looks like she had been seeing another man and has moved in to her place. She discarded me around 4 months ago.

I am struggling to move on? I'm sad,  don't want to socialise, lonely...  normally I am such a positive social person. 

Since finding out about this other guy which I actually thought she was seeing when together and denied it and said did not have one romantic feeling toward him.  I now been so angry and dewildered.  I have resorted to sending her'please explain' text that have got pretty personal.   

That is also not like me but I can't help it,  I loved her so much and she has hurt me badly.

[HopelessBroken]

Welcome Domonic, we are so glad you reached out. Relationships with those who exhibit BPD behaviors often end abruptly, with no closure, for reasons that just don’t make sense to us. With the relationships being so passionate all of this leaves us devastated.

How long were you two together? Has she answered your texts that you have sent asking for an explanation?

I am so sorry this happened. I understand how painful this is.

[Nowisthetime1]

Hi Dominic,

Man sorry to hear this happened to you. I can relate. My soon to be ex wife of almost 12 years just wouldn’t get help for her BPD. It sucks to move on. I feel like the past 12 years was a mirage. Man I suggest taking care of you now. A good resource to check out on BPD is YouTube AJ Majari. She had it and is cured from it after 6-8 years of intensive therapy. The best thing to come out of this is the opportunity to make yourself Cluster B/BPD proof in the future. You’re not alone dude.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dom, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What makes you think that your Ex suffers from BPD?  How long were you together?  Fill us in a little when you get a chance.  Of course you're struggling, so be kind to yourself.  If your Ex has BPD, it's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, so don't beat yourself up. 

LuckyJim

[csquare319]

I hear you, brother. My dpBPD did the exact same thing to me, and it hurt so much that I was contemplating suicide to escape the pain. Toward the end of our relationship she was already seeing somebody, or should I say she first found somebody new, and then decided to dump me. But instead of telling me about her change of heart straight out, she wanted to look saintly by picking a fight with me over nothing. The months following that were the most painful times of my entire life, and I am still strugging to come out of the depression.

Hang in there, man. The pain is real, as I can relate, but know that it'll get better with each passing day. Stay in NC is the best solutiopn, like many here have said. Just know that there are plenty of us here who feel what you are feeling, and went through what you are going through. My heart goes out to you.

[Andy1963]

Im in the same situation
Its extremely difficult and I've been struggling badly
Just keep posting and reading on here as it really does make things easier
I was 4 weeks NC and she messaged me and im back to square one
But we just have to focus on the condition,  its key to gaining understanding and release

[B53]

Sorry to hear about your sadness. It really hurts!

[Inside]

You’ve come to the right place.  I suspect we’ve all been there..  One of the greatest pains for me was the realization I’d have to return to that uncomfortable job of seeking someone else, after assuming ..I’d found her.

You deserve better, (hopefully) we all do.  There are ‘reasons’ for their behavior, but those rarely alleviate our personal pain.  Anger helps, acknowledging that you’ve been seriously betrayed.  Yet it’s only one step toward healing…

It’s difficult to determine what is most important to someone recovering from a BPD experience.  Is it to remind you why you were chosen, to focus on your empathy?  To remind you of your worth, and how much that would/ will mean to the right person?  Or to describe a disorder that’s surely discovered so early in the lives of those with it ..that they become accustomed to using & discarding others..?

If you’re down, we get that...  I’d say it took me six years to recover to the stage I have.  No fun, either.  How to move on?  I’m still uncertain about that; once bitten twice shy?  And is the pain we experience necessary as a mental reminder to never let that happen again..?  Likely a combination of all … as we bounce between attempting to heal, and moving on. 

Another thing I’ll question is, at what stage are you?  Still attempting to make sense of it, to understand BPD behavior?  Or having concluded it’s time to move on, and looking for advice on a permanent escape?

Those on the receiving end of BPD behavior experience much of the same.  Some go back for more; I did.  And with that, I can guarantee, it never returns to where it started.  Unlike healthy couples, in which difficulties can bring them closer, BPD remains the condition of one, thus up to that one to correct.

[B53]

I’ve been wondering. The reason that we go back or want to go back, is because the good times were REALLY good. If the BP is mirroring us, then in reality aren’t we the great people, not them. Just think what would happen if we where with a normal person, wouldn’t they love us, like we loved our crazy BP? Just a thought.

[Lucky Jim]

The reason that we go back or want to go back, is because the good times were REALLY good.

Hey B53, Sure, that's a good point.  At the same time, I would add that the bad times were really horrible.

I don't miss the drama and abuse.

I reached a point where I determined that I would rather have OK sex with a nice person than great sex with a persecutor.  For me, the price was too high with a pwBPD.

LJ

[B53]

Good point. Yeah it was really bad. I admire your resolve!
I don’t know if you have, but if you haven’t, you should share what you are doing to get over and move on. It gives people hope.
Best of luck!