Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 31, 2020, 08:39:22 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: >How to find a solution  (Read 98 times)
Keylime
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1


« on: October 16, 2020, 08:15:55 PM »

We’ve been married 5 years and 2nd marriage for both. Trouble began shortly after wedding with odd accusations of me looking at other women and a high need for a relationship that hit all the senses. She was very focused on receiving my full attention when out in public and became critical if she felt I didn’t show her love and respect. We started going to counseling initially to address issues from her previous marriage which was very high conflict and  resulted in her loosing custody of her only child. She characterized the ex as a narcissist and that may have been true. I had never experienced behaviors such as hers, one minute saying how wonderful I was and the next saying how uncaring and terrible I was. She wasn’t open about her past and it was hard to have a serious conversation without it becoming an argument. I began to look for explanations and came across an article on BPD. I had never heard of it and discussed it with our counselor. He agreed that the behavior I was describing was consistent with BPD and he reviewed her personality profile done as part of her custody trial and concluded she exhibited BPD traits. I brought his diagnosis up to her but she totally rejected his conclusion and said the problem was all me. I began to believe it was me and ended up very confused, angry and depressed and this further hurt our relationship as she said all I brought to the relationship was negativity. I continued counseling on my own to address these issues and began to seek healthy relationships with my family and friends apart from her. When I tried to set boundaries I was met with her anger so I’ve ended up avoiding her more than trying to work through issues. The trouble is I still don’t know for sure what is going on. I’ve got my own issues, I came from a family where we didn’t talk about feelings and just carried on. I am an ACOA and probably OCPD, at least according to my wife. I’ve read several books recommended by my counselor but still no end in site. Where can you go to find a solution?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1595



« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2020, 09:30:39 PM »

Hi Keylime:
Unfortunately, you don't have the power to fix someone.  The only thing you can do is focus on yourself, how you interact and how you react.


Quote from: Keylime
We started going to counseling initially to address issues from her previous marriage which was very high conflict and  resulted in her loosing custody of her only child. She characterized the ex as a narcissist and that may have been true.
 Since she tells you that everything is your fault, got to consider that this is a replay of her prior marriage.  Her ex might not be as horrible as she indicates, and she could be telling others the same story about you.  Usually, if a woman loses custody of a child, there is some reason for it, especially since you are experiencing so many issues with her.

Quote from: Keylime
I brought his diagnosis up to her but she totally rejected his conclusion and said the problem was all me.
It never goes well if you tell someone they have BPD or BPD traits.  Best to focus on the individual behaviors.  

Quote from: Keylime
I continued counseling on my own to address these issues and began to seek healthy relationships with my family and friends apart from her. When I tried to set boundaries I was met with her anger
Unfortunately, most people don't accept boundaries with a smile.  You have to be firm and consistent.  It's common for things to get worse, before they get better.  That is called an "extinction burst"

Good for you to continue counseling on your own.  Stick with seeking healthy relationships with friends and family - hold that boundary.  It's common for those with BPD to try and isolate their partner, which is unhealthy.

It's common for BPD partners to project their bad behaviors onto their partner.  "You are the one with BPD".  Continue to work on yourself and your communication.  A good thing to master is validation/don't invalidate.  It's important that you don't invalidate your partner's feelings by word, expression or body language.  You don't want to validate something that isn't true.  If you aren't comfortable with validating "feelings" in a given situation, then best to stay silent.

There are a lot of good communication skills to learn her, so check out the "Workshop" area.  If you go to the large green band, at the top of the page and check out the "Tools" menu, that can be a good place to start.
Logged
start_again
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 89


« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2020, 09:40:19 AM »

Hello Keylim,
If you truly believe that you are ACOA I would suggest joining an Al-Anon support group - you are not alone.  In an Al-Anon group you will learn that it is not your job to fix others.  Your job is to take care of yourself.  I am also an ACOA and also a member of AA, sober 28 plus years. 
I tried to be Mr. Fix it with my SO and the results were less than stellar.   It wasn’t until I began to accept my SO BPD traits  Then I was able to change me and my attitudes.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!