I blew up tonight

[Ozzie101]

I feel so annoyed with myself. I’ve been doing so well at mirroring, not absorbing, staying calm and not getting triggered. Yet, this evening, I exploded at him. I hate that I did that. I don’t like to blow up. I normally don’t. But I guess all the stress, uncertainty and repressed emotion just all came out.

This is his fourth dysregulation in two weeks. He’s thrown a lot of accusations and names my way. (At least i didn’t do any name calling.) it’s a lot of the usual stuff. Mixed messages. Confused statements. Lots of blame. Lots of “my ex supports me. She wants to get back together” then fury street me when I don’t get furious. (Story I’ve heard too often to react.)

Anyway, I cannot remember what lit the fuse. It just all blew up. It’s the same stuff I’ve heard before but it was like I couldn’t take it anymore.

He’s at SS’s ballgame now. Angry at me that I didn’t go. Plan all along was that he would pick me up. There are strict capacity limits but we were going to sneak it by sitting beyond the outfield. But, after the screaming, I decided to stay home and watch the live feed. That triggered his abandonment/ my family and I don’t care about SS stuff.

He says I treat him horribly, “everyone” tells him it’s me. I’m sure I’m part of the problem. But I just can’t believe I’m that horrible of a person.

Sorry to vent. This is a really tough time. I really want to call my mom or a friend but there’s no one I can talk to.

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[Ozzie101]

And now he’s telling me if I don’t call him soon, he wants me out of his house.

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh! So sorry. 

Blowups are inevitable if you’ve been stuffing your emotions for a long time. Don’t judge yourself.

And also the inequity of different standards being applied to the non. Ugh again!

How are you feeling right now?

[Ozzie101]

Shaky. Miserable.

He called to tell me his mom fell so he’s headed back up to be with her.

That started well. Now it’s dissolved again. “I’ve been happier in a marriage where I was miserable than I am now.” “I get nothing back.” “You can’t handle any criticism.” Passive aggressiveness through the roof. “The blame is on you.”

He wants answers now. Wants to know what the ultimate problem is. Accuses of me of getting mad at him. Accuses me of having a grudge against him for having sex before we were together. (I don’t care that he did. Normal. Healthy.)

This all started before he knew about his mom, so the fight itself isn’t about that. Or at least not entirely.

[Cat Familiar]

As hard as it is, in the moment, remember...this is about his disorder, not you. When the verbiage is about you, it’s hard to remember this.

The healthiest way to navigate these relationships is with a level of disconnect, which certainly isn’t optimal for a romantic relationship.

[Ozzie101]

And the disconnect makes it worse because he senses it and that probably triggers his abandonment fears.

He keeps going back to my family. As usual. Keeps telling me all the things his friends and his ex have said. It doesn’t get to me. It just frustrates me because why should I take that as some sort of proof or valid argument?

Anyway, his big accusations are that I show no emotion and that I always jump to defend my family. Well, yeah, if they’re being attacked I will. I’d do the same for him if someone attacked him. No one has.

[Cat Familiar]

He feels under attack constantly. It’s not real; it’s the nature of the disorder. It’s not your responsibility to fix this. You know that. But it’s uncomfortable for you to have to deal with it on a regular basis. And unless he fixes it, it will continue to occur. But he likely has no clue he’s self-generating it, and is looking to blame it on the nearest target, which is you.

[Ozzie101]

Thing is, when he’s calm he does realize it and he’s very apologetic. But the episodes keep happening. He can’t stop the negative thoughts and obsessions and then gets himself worked into a real state. I do know it’s not real and it’s not about me. But when the same parts of the wall are attacked over and over, they start to crumble. It’s exhausting to deal with.

[AskingWhy]

Ozzie, my uBPD H (married more than 20 years) dysregulated this evening with accusations of my not helping him prepare for his retirement, replete with divorce threats and accusations.  The trigger is his impending retirement, but also dealing with a uBPD D who had devalued him and giving the silent treatment, but also a uNPD F who is elderly and with a gambling addiction.

It's not always easy to play the "sane" one and it's tiresome.  Sometimes we reach the ends of our ropes and explode.  I do it all the time.  When I have had enough of the divorce threats, bullying and nagging, I just haul back and let my H have it.  BPD or not, we don't have to tolerate abuse.  If our partners gave us black eyes, would we just SET?  Heck, no.

Ozzie, don't let this get to you.   

[Ozzie101]

He called me back as the dogs and I were going to bed and he was scared. He looked back at his texts and couldn’t believe he had said some things and had no memory of doing it. Couldn’t understand why he would have said them at all. (Like that he was going out of town with his ex and their son, or asking me how long it would take me to get out of his house.)

He has no clue what’s happening. Just that he relives bad events over and over. He said maybe his firing was his fault. Maybe some of the things he remembers really happened. No clue.

He saw a new P on Monday and says he told him about the blackouts but he seemed to think it was normal. I’m sitting in on the next session because it doesn’t sound like he’s getting a clear picture.

He’s embarrassed, scared, apologetic, etc. I want to help him. I just need to come up with a plan for not being around when he gets in certain states. He is very open to more intensive therapy like DBT but there’s only one or two therapists in our state so there’s a long waiting list. He’s also talking about some sort of inpatient program but with only bare bones temp insurance, money is an issue.

We’re at least talking, which is good. I just can’t keep it up where I’m either dealing with episodes or living in fear of them.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you considered he might have Dissociative Identity Disorder? https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder#4

The amnesia, substance abuse, and childhood trauma fit the pattern.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Cat! I’ll do some reading. It’s certainly possible and I’m willing to explore all possibilities. He is too (right now anyway).

He insists that while he does have a history of negative thinking and strong anger, the current extreme behaviors and the disassociations are relatively new (within the last couple of years).

[formflier]

So...all of this blow up happened via text?

And your blow up in response was via text?

It's good that you didn't call him names, yet this has me curious.  What was it about what you said/did that you believe is a blow up or out of line?

I'll double down on what others have said.  These things are essentially inevitable, especially if you have been "stuffing" or avoiding emotions/issues.  

Prescription:  Be kind to yourself and evaluate if there could be some boundary work done on the text side of things that could protect your feelings.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Thanks FF.

It was by phone call, actually. He was on the way back from his mom’s, then at SS’s baseball game (watching from his car), then driving back to his mom’s.

My blow-up was that I started telling, lost my temper and at one point actually screamed. I NEVER do that. Right after, he went right on with telling me I never show any emotion. He was very obviously not “there” at the time.

We did talk some about how to handle his flip-outs. We agreed that if he’s away and we talk somehow and I can tell he’s “off,” I should go to a hotel for the night, leaving a note. Not sure yet what to do if he’s home and I’m not.

He was fine the last couple of days. Today, though, he’s experiencing side effects from his new medication. He’s written his P to see if it cause for concern but I‘ve seen this show before. He’ll get more and more irritable, start threatening to file official complaints or sue, accuse me/my family of always siding with doctors, possibly alienate the clinic.

But maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

[izzitme]

WOW, I feel like I could have written this about my day.  I blew up too today.  The usual accusations that I hate his daughter, I am not loving, I am a horrible person, I am the whole problem, I am misunderstanding etc. ME ME ME to blame and he is perfect. I work from home and I was completely bombed out and couldn't do my job. Why do they call us horrible people? Why do they twist reality and say things didn't happen that clearly did? He says I lie about things he has said to me because he is too loving to say those things.  They hit me like a weapon and my heart remembers every word.  Do they dissociate and truly don't remember?  I am sorry that this happened to you.  All I can offer is the support of validation of your experience/ our shared experience.

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, izzitme. It’s hard to wrap our minds around, I know. And so frustrating.

My H never accuses me of lying but I can tell he doesn’t fully believe me. And he avoids/minimizes a lot, which may just be his aversion to guilt. It’s hard to know what’s going on. I now keep my thoughts flexible, ready to accept new situations and actions, roll them into the whole.

All we can really do is work on the tools, learn what we can and be kind to ourselves.