Out of the blue

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H is near retirement from his second career.  He is retired from the military and will retire from a corporate job in less than two years.

His anxiety is over the roof.  His older uBPD D has devalued and discarded him.  She is addicted to drugs.  This is hard for H as he overvalued them after his uNPD X W left them and took all the children across the country.  Another D, uNPD, makes life miserable for her kind codependent H while she dotes on her children.  She is addicted to food and is obese.  His S, likely BPD as well, lives on the streets and only comes when he needs bail or for his health bills due to drugs and alcohol.  Finally, his elderly uNPD F has now racked up $15,000 in gambling debts and can't even pay for his own health care. He was recently hospitalized for a chronic medical issue and told he needed bed rest.  What did is crazy old codger do?  Ignored the advice of doctors and tried to get out of bed himself in hospital--and broke his leg.  You can't make this stuff up.

What a horrid mess of a family I married into!  My uBPD H love bombed me and I fell for it:  the quick, ardent courtship, the man of my dreams.  By the time we married in that whirlwind romance, I learned the most important people in his life were his children by his X W.  I was just another source of income, a person to help with mortgage, and for s ex. 

Here I am for more than 20 years, hanging on to the hope he will change.  He is still very BPD.  Just now, I got the usual divorce threats if I didn't "prove" I was making changes toward his retirement.  The trigger in all this is his fear of retirement.  He left home to join the military at 18 because he had a uNPD F who favored his older B over him.  Good child, bad child.  A common dynamic in BPD parents. 

I have had it with SET.  I have had it with all of the communication skills as I am sick of the games.  I played along with it, telling him to have me served because he has my address.  I told him that after him I would find a much better H.  (Let's just say H is not Brad Pit t.)  H usually withholds affection and give the silent treatment as part of his FOG attempts and sleeps on the couch to punish me.  I beat him to the punch by taking his pillow and a blanket out to the couch.,

I am sick of the games!  I have a colleague who is getting a divorce.  This man nickeled and dimed over household groceries, even going to far as to put his name on the items of food.  He was always on the golf course and never home, or out with the boys camping.  Eventually, my colleague withdrew herself emotionally.  Oddly, he started staying home often, buying her a new home gym and exercise equipment.  I think her H is also uBPD as he was very cruel to her.  She is now happier in her new options:  other men at the gym look more interested and she flirts.  I feel like flirting, too. 

I no longer care for my H the way I once did.  Last week, I bought H a Water Pik he has been considering for months.  H has dental work, but never bought it.  I finally surprised him with it.

Now I am the bad wife he wants to leave.  Again, I know the trigger is the impending retirement, but threatening divorce is not the way to discuss it.  I am sick of the games.  I told him to serve me and go live with his obese D and grandchildren, and thrust himself in to lives of the husband and children.  I can see the SIL not liking that at all, with grand pa hanging all over his W. 

More and more I am reading, "Why Does He Do That?" about abusive men.  This book clearly discusses the dynamics of when to leave, with reassurance that better things are around the corner when you leave an abusive man.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cat Familiar]

But is it really “out of the blue”? It seems you’ve been aware of these patterns for awhile.

[AskingWhy]

But is it really “out of the blue”? It seems you’ve been aware of these patterns for awhile.

Yes, there have been patterns, but we have been getting along so well for several months. I honestly thought some progress had been made.  Last year, he bought me that spark ler that he had long neglected buy me for the 20th anniversary (his father had been a cheap bast@rd, as you may recall, and got zilch in 60 years of marriage.)  We seemed to be having fewer of his blowups.  Then, today.

Again, it's a trigger from his fear about retirement. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

My initial response is the same as Cat’s... “what does AW consider to be *out of the blue* here”?  Your H’s behaviors, words and divorce threats seem to follow a pattern, as do those of most disordered people, and “nons” in many cases.   Think about it.   

AW - there’s something I finally learned about myself, and perhaps you share this...  I personally experienced *disassociation*, largely with my exH (19 years), but also with my more recent exBF.  MY ExH’s abuse was so subtle (until it became overt) but so constant.  I remember standing in the kitchen on numerous occasions saying out loud to myself  “I HAVE  to remember I FEEL like this” after many of his cruel interactions with me.  Because I functioned for years in my delusional world of forgive and forget.  And I DID forget.  Again and again.  That was how I managed through the pain of his actions.

Please know, I’m not trying to hurt you... but I think you also engage in some disassociation from time to time.  We do this with things that are the most painful to us.  And there are most definitely reasons for that.  Look my friend, your first marriage ended in the most painful way possible.  I feel it is almost impossible for you to look into the face of any possibility of your H ending this marriage.  Especially after all the stuff you’ve put up with.  But your H does NOT see it that way and he NEVER will.  NEVER.  And on top of this, you had a BPDm, so you likely adopted early on that disassociation, and then “fighting back” were all you thought you had to save yourself, to shield yourself from further pain.  Am I getting warm?  But those are not your only choices.

I’ve got to remind you - on the one hand, recall that your H had privately looked up divorce attorneys about a year and a half ago.  You were VERY upset.  Yet on the other hand your H had also SHOWN  you photos of places/ homes where you could retire together. 

We’ve discussed before AW about having choices.  You DO have them.  And you are fortunate in that.  You also had a glimpse earlier this year with the lockdown of what life *may* look like with your H home all the time (not so great, right?) if you don’t begin changing the dynamic IN your marriage, in how each of you behaves BEFORE he retires.  You have choices.  You may *want* to bring hobbies, and your MUSIC and friends into YOUR life before he retires (if you are going to try and stay in the marriage).

AW- I feel you’d serve yourself well to “keep your head where your heels are.”  You have got to let go of how the marriage began and start with where you are today.  Forgive yourself,  And him for that.  That part is done and buried.  You’ve got to take your life from today.  And your life with your H, if you so choose.   

Yes, his exNPDw cheated and left with this young kids.  Yes his kids are a mess.  Yes his father is a mess.  Yes, this all hurts your H.  And no, he doesn’t need to be reminded of his “failures” around these family members.  Many people feel anxious as retirement nears, especially if they have limited outside interests, or if their primary relationship is unstable.  That doesn’t mean you cannot develop joint interests, but your marriage will need some attention beforehand.  You both need confidence that there’s a reason to stay.  Is he feeling the same way you are?

Your H is not playing games.  He just doesn’t have the emotional intelligence or tools (yet) to do anything different.  And when you tell him that you’ll just get a better husband... well I’m not sure I would react warmly if my H told me he’d “go out and get a better wife”.

So if things continue on this trajectory with no real change on either part, each of you living in constant reaction to each other and no therapy or effort at learning to love or respect one another, expect pain.  A lot of pain.  And conflict.  And possibly divorce papers.  And I don’t believe any of this will be out of the blue. 

I do understand if you want to leave the marriage.  You don’t have to leave this in his hands.  Perhaps you’ll feel better if you take real steps toward taking control of your life.

Let’s talk.

Warmly,
Gems



 

[AskingWhy]

Gems, thank you again for reading and your reply.

I have been going back to the Bancroft books on domestic violence and emotional abuse.  I have not cried for a long time, but now I am starting to break down.  And I won't give him the pleasure of seeing me cry.  The books talk about happiness in yourself after leaving, and also happy R/S with loving and kind men in the future.

My H showed me the prince charming when we dated, but transformed into the ogre after we married.  And I had three ugly stepchildren to hate me.  No wonder I am so depressed. 

Yes, I dissociated as a child when my uBPD M was beating me.  Her beatings and rants went on for hours. She stood me up against a wall and lectured me about how much she hated me for being such an embarrassment to her (to my teachers and her friends), how she wished I was never born, how stupid I was, etc.  (I was a scholastic standout through my school years, for that matter.)  I do, however, have memories of the carpet where she had pushed me down and was beating me.  I have memories of listening to my music on tapes and being happy.

For my H and me, it's the typical DV cycle of affection, anxiety on the part of the abuser and tension building, the active abuse stage, then calming down, and maybe a honeymoon phase before it starts over again.

I am sure my H wants a divorce in the moments he is threatening it, and I am sure he wants to live happily with me in a retirement when he is showing my photos.  That's just it.  H cannot remember having good feelings for me when he splits. As in all BPD, he either hates me or loves me.

And H is not amenable to counseling for retirement.  He flatly put that notion down. 

As it stands right now, I am going to contact an attorney again and have one on hand.  Laws change each year, and it's nice to have current knowledge.  H was spouting legal information that was clearly outdated.  My H is becoming a stranger to me, and when I no longer know who he is, and I no longer no who I am, I will leave.  And then I will learn to be happy again.  In this state, I can find a better husband.

Thank you again for the encouragement.    

[AskingWhy]

Gems, I need to add that I am horrible depressed over my H's continually nagging me for the last twenty years.  I am depressed over the years of emotional abuse, and often too tired and zoned out to do many chores.  H sees this as laziness and and excuse to bully me.  If I complete something, he'll say, "It's about time," or, "I could have done that ten times over," or, something equally cruel.  Or he'll start doing it while I am doing something else and then gloat, "Look, I already did it.  What's your problem?"  

I know H is starting to have anxiety because he starts cleaning the house.  Cleaning gives him the sense of control he did not have growing up as the S of a uBPD F.  He puts objects neatly on counters and desk spaces.  He also dissociates because he put bathroom towels in the kitchen towel drawer.  Not the behaviour of a man who works in a technical field where precision is essential.  

All told, H does not like to see me happy.  I received an e-mail from a friend and was sharing his joy when H bellowed, "I don't care about him!"

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear AW-

I am so so sorry for what you endured as a child.  So very sorry.  When we go through something like that, at the hands of the people we trust, and who are supposed to protect and love us the most, well... it takes some really tough work to resolve and heal.  Pretty much a lifetime of recovery work.

And sadly, the impact of what happened to us as children or during developmental years spills into our adult relationships.  It did for me.  AW, I really came to fully apply this in the last year+, and I just turned 63.  Never too late.  Never too late to feel happiness.

I can honestly compare some notes with you.  During my 19-year marriage, my H also nagged me relentlessly.  He never lifted a finger to help inside the house.  Not a finger... even if I was preparing to entertain his entire demanding extended family.  And I happily went about my shopping, cleaning, cooking and other prep work with that guy barking orders at me the entire time.  I didn’t understand then what I’ve since been forced in therapy to acknowledge and accept.  But not until I neared the end of my rs with another abuser... the BPD/NPDexBF.  I was deeply ashamed... but I’m not ashamed anymore.  The shame of what happened is not mine to bear.

I know you can relate to these demeaning feelings.  If I happened to leave an envelope (by mistake) on the corner of the kitchen table, my exH would circle his hand above that envelope and demand to know  “what’s this?  What’s this?”  I wasn’t allowed to have a nap on a Sunday afternoon or I was accused of not being “productive”.  I learned to stop washing the huge windows and blinds when he wasn’t home or it wouldn’t “count”.  I came to Understand that in his head,  What I DID never counted, only what I didn’t do...  that was the only way he could constantly criticize me.  Except to his friends, I was “the perfect wife”.  I guess because he likely could cheat and I didn’t ask questions... I’m a sexual abuse/ assault survivor, so sexual infidelity is the least of my concerns.   If a person is so weak that he cannot  curb those impulses, I will not lower myself to tell him to stop.

During those 19 years I lived an extremely busy and happy life - very full-time intense career, volunteer work, art, sports activities, full home responsibility, lots of friends.  But yes, he still had a good deal of control over me.  There were “conditions” to everything.  For instance, If I wanted to go into town for a weekend dinner, we had to walk the 4 miles round trip.. even in the winter.  I kept any depression at bay through “busyness” , sports, art and my closest friends.  And somewhere inside I guess I KNEW my H would not abide depression.  And I disassociated an awful lot.

But a scary thought  AW, is if my H had NOT lost his brain that night and thrown me across the room and into the door, I do NOT know if we’d still be together or not.  I swear to this day that he must have done some type of hallucinogenic drug that afternoon, because he didn’t sound right when we were having a calm conversation.  And then he grabbed my shoulders and threw me.  I was so stunned and terrified when I got myself up that I ran for the phone.  He screamed “YOU BETTER NOT BE CALLING THE COPS!”.  I hung up, I thought before the call went through.  Two officers showed up at the door, just as he came out to “apologize” to me.  Based on what HE said to the police, he was arrested for felony domestic assault.

And like most DV and abuse victims, I refused to press charges.   Biggest mistake of my life.  And I entered into 8 months of pure hell and absolute torture.

I finally fled cross-country (second biggest mistake of my life).  And 2.5 years after “the incident”, I met the “man of my dreams”,  Who turned into the man of my nightmares.  

And during this relationship I did become clinically depressed.  I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD.  THAT would be Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.   I am one of those people whose depression canNOT be treated with meds.  I took anxiety pills for most of our time together (stopped in March 2019 when I started using Alpha-Stim).  I suffer from neither now because the relationship ended.

AW- for me, when I really began to find my myself, my footing again (through therapy, reading, and reading here) , my BPD/NPD bf did NOT like that at all.  I really started seeing him for who he truly is.  The nothingness of him.  I mean the man truly brought NOTHING to my life in the 6.5 years I was with him.  I KNOW at my core I AM a joyful person.  And always have been.  And this guy just sucked the lifeblood from me.  I felt I was dying inside.  And his cruelty was nonstop.  I am 8 months out.  I am content.  Someday I may find myself a lover.  Who knows...

So truly my friend.  This is YOUR life.  I DO understand the difficulty in making a decision, any decision regarding your marriage.  So maybe take any decision off the table and focus purely on YOU.  Little, manageable steps toward improving your wellbeing, your physical energy, your outlook, and bringing some joy to yourself.  What would that look like?  Is that something we can explore?

Sorry I got so carried away talking about myself.  But I want you to know that I was so in the depths of despair.  I have every feeling and belief that you can find your strength, regain your footing and find your joy.   Doesn’t really matter whether your H “wants to see you happy”.  It’s important and empowering for you to feel happy in your own right as a human being. 

Please, let’s explore?

Very warm hugs to you,
Gems

[formflier]

Again, it's a trigger from his fear about retirement. 

Does he agree with this view?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

Does he agree with this view?

Best,

FF

H is in denial that the tensions surrounding his retirement are a factor in his dysregulations.  His father, in his 80s, is a loser with an alcohol and gambling problem.  He truly fears being like his F, and at almost 60, this is news to him.  H has always idolised his father and the perfect father and husband.  (His F treated his M like a workhorse for their 60 years of marrage.)

[formflier]

So..when he denies this, what does he acknowledge as the reason?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

So..when he denies this, what does he acknowledge as the reason?

Best,

FF

FF, he uses common BPD tactics of projection and blame.  In his eyes, something "I" is causing him to dysregulate.