Friendship of over 10yrs is dead

[nattylight]

Hi,
My names Nat, and I abruptly had to end a friendship with someone with BPD with whom I have been inseparable with for the past 10 years. I'm aware this forum is meant for family, and though this was not a blood related family member she was definitely part of my extended family. A short background on our friendship: friends since the 4th grade, been through the thick and thin of BPD( though undiagnosed at the time) together, graduated high school together, and even moved in through college and rented together for a year... until things hit the fan.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Nattylight:
This website is actually geared towards anyone trying to understand and navigate within a BPD relationship, so "family" includes friends and even coworkers.

The workshop threads can be very helpful in learning emotional intelligence skills.  Those skills are great life tools, that can be helpful with all relationships.

What brought you here?  Was it a desire to better understand your friend's behaviors, or perhaps prepare in case you might decide to reconcile the friendship in some form, with boundaries?

[nattylight]

I just realized that the rest of my story/situation got cut off so here is the rest.
My best friend, Cam, and I always had a bit of a different friendship than the average teenage girls. I had always been a confident though quiet type of person and she was also pretty quiet so we got along well. However, I began to realize that she wasn't simply "quiet" or reserved, she was constantly anxious and in her head. Later on she told me that she had an anxiety disorder, and left it at that. We never discussed her diagnosis and tbh I knew it wasn't any of my concern. Before I knew it, our friendship dynamic was more of a codependent one. She would constantly be engaging in self damaging behavior all throughout middle and high school starting with self harm, risky sexual behavior, and later binge drinking and smoking. She did a pretty good job of hiding this from her family, so I felt obligated to help her try to avoid these situations. Something about myself, through being friends with Cam, and my own family's issues, I'm unfortunately somewhat of a "fixer". If I see someone or something that needs help I sometimes unfairly put the burden of reconciling it on myself. You can see how this could contribute to an unhealthy friendship with someone who has BPD.
Throughout our high school years, we continued being close friends and though Cam had her ups and downs she was never rude to me. She definitely made some enemies in school and burned some friendships and romantic relationships, but never had any wrongdoings toward me. Her personality throughout the years could be described as meek, anxious, needy, but spunky! I tried so hard to see past the exhausting parts of being her friend because we definitely had our good times together. However, people started to coddle her at school and baby her because they knew she was anxious and always nervous. This led to a dangerous cycle of self doubting herself, not doing difficult things( homework, sports, friendships/social interaction etc), and then having no consequences because people just thought "Poor Cam".
Cut to 4 years ago in 2016, we graduated high school and Cam had made some definite improvements with herself and started taking her medication more frequently and even going to our local community college. I started working full time because I needed to move out and save money to hopefully go to college in the coming years. Cam fell right back into her old destructive ways of self harm, binge drinking, risky sexual behavior and more. I wont lie, it was freeing to not see her everyday at school and hear about her latest mistakes. A few years go by (2019 now) and Cam is close to graduating college, and we still kept in close contact. She started questioning her sexuality and told her parents, and they did not react well. They told her to pack her things and move out, so she couch surfed among friends for a while until her parents came to an understanding. They offered to let her move back in about a week later, but understandably she didn't want to live with them. At the time I had been living on my own in an apartment for about 2 years and offered to let her move in with me since I had space. Things were great at first, we both had jobs, she was going to school and we were both in many aspects thriving. A few months went by and I realized the strain of living together was putting on our friendship. She was constantly asking me for reassurance on every decision she made, still engaged in binge drinking, kept dating a boyfriend even though she told me she was gay. Truly a mess, and all I could do was offer support and help her try and navigate. I'd encourage her to stop constantly apologizing, help her make her own decisions etc. I felt our friendship slowly turn into more of a caretaking position rather than a roommate situation. I offered to go to AA with her and and ecouraged her to try therapy as it really helped me once.
Early this year in 2020, She was getting ready to go to work and I was staying home since I wasn't feeling well. It was early and I knew she had to be going out in about a half an hour. While I sipped my coffee in our living room when she came in suddenly and said "hey Sarah is going to come over and smoke a cigarette with me really quick". I thought this odd, since it wasn't even 8:30am but I brushed it off. I didn't like Sarah and had asked previously for Cam not to have her over anymore since it seemed like trouble and drama always surrounded her. I hear them both come in and being polite I invited them to sit in the living room with me since I knew it would be a short interaction. Small talk ensued and Cam handed me her phone with what I thought would be her showing me a meme or something funny but BOY WAS I WRONG. She had written me a letter on the notes of her phone that over a whole page said something to the effect of " Im so happy you're my best friend, we've been in each others lives for so long" and continued words of admiration. Then I read a sentence in the middle that made my heart stop "Will you be my life partner?" I could'nt believe what I had just read, the letter went on the repeat itself in so many different words of how happy she was that we were friends and how we've got through so much together. At the end somehow in so many words she recanted any romantic feelings and stated this was simply a platonic letter. I had NO IDEA how to react to this, especially since I had been blindsided by her and Sarah in my own home. I just said something like "youre my ride or die friend" and then she left for work. Later that evening after thinking all day of how to tell her I'm only interested in being her friend, we and a few other friends went our for drinks. Cam drove me home since she was the more sober one and we rode together. And with the confidence of alcohol in me I kindly told her in the most explicit and direct way that I have no romantic intentions with her at all, simply friendship. She said nothing back. Mind you, this whole time for about the past 3 years she had been dating a guy and was still dating when she showed me the letter. The coming weeks were pretty awkward as you'd expect, but slowly things returned to normal. I'd assumed she took my words to heart and understood I wasn't interested (in hindsight I realize she was in denial).
She and another friend introduced me to a guy one night that they met through school, Cam told me how cool he was and that we'd get along so we all hung out. She was right, it was an instant connection and really got along. One day I went out to get lunch with the guy, who I'll call Dan, and Cam was at work still so it was just us. I told Cam about this later, excitedly because it was a good day She was never the same again. Suddenly any time Dan came into conversation she'd get quiet and short with me. The three of us hung out together one more time and it was evident that she was either jealous or angry with me anytime I gave Dan attention. Dan and I would later end up dating and I asked him advice. We agreed to be kind to her and keep our distance, but not to sacrifice our own newfound happiness in order to make her comfortable. In about 2 weeks time Cam had the quickest spiral and ultimately killed our friendship. She'd start not coming home, and not speaking to me when she was home. Became hostile in conversation when Dan was even near mention. I asked her, what the problem was with him and I and never got a clear response. I grew nervous that I was going to have to ask her to move out so I asked her sister for advice. Her sister and I went out for coffee and this, THIS is when I was told she had severe BPD. She explained how the disorder works and it ALL made sense. I wish could say this made things better, but in retrospect it made it worse. This meant all the times I saw Cam stop taking what I now know was very important medication, never going to therapy, and relying on me to make her decisions had been extremely damaging to her and ultimately our friendship. Her sister encouraged me to ask her to move back home with her parents since this was obviously not going to work anymore and I was pretty serious with Dan so he would be at our apartment often sooner or later. In the next week, I sat with Cam at least 3 or 4 times in very difficult tear filled conversations asking her how/if we could fix this. She never really spoke back or offered any real insight other than that she had feelings for me and had for YEARS (this was devastating to me because I felt betrayed and almost guilty because had I known my friendship with her had been leading her on i would have never told her to move in). To say I gave it my all to understand and fix things would be an understatement. In our last real conversation, she and I sat and I laid it out on the line- either she get it together and accept that Im not interested and salvage our friendship or she should move out by the end of the month. She started crying and talking about how she was suicidal and had been for weeks, then quickly turned to rage blaming me for everything going to PLEASE READ and standing screaming at me pointing in my face. She even went as far to say that if/when she kills herself it would be my fault. She left promptly to go to Sarah's for the night. I knew she'd be safe there, but I dont take the mention of suicide lightly and tell her sister to let her family know. I was angry, sad, and mostly mad at myself for not seeing the signs all along of her more serous mental disorder, and her having an idealized view of our friendship as a hopeful romantic one. I wish I could say she got therapy, moved back home and healed but that didnt happen. Her parents told me this was not the first time she threatened this and asked Cam to voluntarily admit herself to psychiatric care or they would do it. Cam spent a week in the ward, and on the same day of her release she and some other mutual friends came to help her move out that evening.
I didnt want to cause any more damage by keeping in conatct and continuing to feed her delusion that I could be a romantic partner or risk putting my relationship in her face, so I didnt reach out anymore. I continued to keep in touch with her sister checking to make sure she was okay and doing well. Cam ended up moving in with a mutual friend of ours. Unfortunately I never got to tell my side of the story to these friends and they've since cut me out. I'm sure Cam had told them one side of the story and painted me in a bad light.
I understand now and am still beginning to understand the traits and behaviors of BPD. Looking back, she was the hallmark of the disorder and I wish she had gotten the help she needed much earlier and took her meds and therapy seriously. I'm not sure if she's disclosed her diagnosis to the friend she's moved in with but I wish she had done that for me. Im heartbroken that someone who used to be my right hand man for so many years and had so many good times with was so willing to throw it away because I simply got a boyfriend. Its been 6 months now and I still haven't heard from her or any of the friends I met through her. I think this is for the best because she really hurt me, and to be honest I don't think it would be healthy for her to be around me with the idealized version of me in her head and possible romantic feelings still being there. Its painful for me to know that all of our mutual friends never even asked me for my side of the story, but instead cut all contact. None of them were super close with me so its not a huge loss, but it does tell me that Cam is probably not telling them the whole truth.

Overall, BPD caused my best friend to idealize me, she ended up falling in love with me and hid it for years for fear of abandonment. When I finally shattered any illusion by having a serious relationship of my own, she absolutely lost it and became defensive and volatile towards me. I wish there was a way to fix it, but honestly I think the friendship ran its course and shouldnt be resurrected. I know this was a long and probably too detailed explanation but I needed to vent, and once coming across this website while I was researching BPD to understand it better I thought why not make a post. Any insight/comments would be great from anyone here

Still learning,
Nat

[Naughty Nibbler]

Nattylight:
Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm sorry about your collective experiences.  It is helpful to vent, and posting it here boosts that up a step. 

Had you have known she had BPD and gained an understanding, things may have been different, but then the same scenario could have played out. It's common for "people pleasers" or "rescuers" to hang in there with people with BPD.  They hope to fix the person, where others can recognize that the relationship is toxic and move on or radically limit the friendship.

Blaming others and bad-mouthing you to others is a common thing.  At least it wasn't good friends that have unfriended you.  Your closer friends would likely have gotten your side of the story.  People with BPD can many times appear fine to friends, coworkers and even people from a religious setting.  Generally, there is some place that the BPD feels safe to dump their feelings and someone there is the scapegoat.  It can be hard to fathom, but it's a typical situation.

Suicidal threats can be a form of abuse, and other can't be held responsible.  The only thing to do with credible suicidal threats is to report them to authorities or someone close to them.

Again, sorry for you experiences.  Probably best to keep your distance.  Should she ever contact you, hold to strong boundaries and anticipate that history could repeat itself in some regard.

[nattylight]

I appreciate you reading my lengthy post! Something I've become aware of is the abuse that someone with BPD can inflict but is typically dismissed by others because they themselves are a victim of the disorder. Its validating to hear from someone that the suicidal threats ( among other things said not mentioned in my post) can be forms of abuse. The main reason I decided to post is actually related to part of your reply.
Cam actually DID reach out to me this week and that's what led me on a quest to keep researching BPD in the past few days. She didn't even directly reach out to me, she had the old mutual friend that she moved in with contact me. Having not spoken to this mutual friend in months, I was confused. At first she just asked if I had a shirt of Cam's still in the apartment but I donated it months ago. I figured this was a lame attempt to suck me back into her life. But then she asked me if I had a guitar that Cam had given me last Christmas ( it was her fathers which he never played and they both thought I could make good use of it since I play quite well). I replied saying I still in fact had it, and the friend replied saying that Cam wanted it back and that she's trying to recover sentimental items for her mental health... When she gave me this as a gift I made sure through and through that this was okay with her father, and her. I even anticipated her maybe voicing second thoughts but they never came. Here we are 10 months later and 5 months after she left my life and suddenly this guitar means something. I'm not sure what to do, but I told the mutual friend that if Cam wants to talk to me, she should contact me directly. So far its been several days and I've heard nothing.
It seems petty to ask for a gift back, especially considering I gave her one that Christmas of equal value and it has never occurred to me to ask for it. I'm trying to keep my boundaries in tact but don't want to seem like an a$$.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Cam actually DID reach out to me this week and that's what led me on a quest to keep researching BPD in the past few days. She didn't even directly reach out to me, she had the old mutual friend that she moved in with contact me. . .

I'm not sure what to do, but I told the mutual friend that if Cam wants to talk to me, she should contact me directly.

You made a wise choice to NOT get into a triangle with the other friend. The link below spells out the elements of a "Drama Triangle". 

If you do end up talking to her, think over your boundaries in advance & make a decision about what you are willing to talk about & how long. It might be best to just text & make it short.

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

So far its been several days and I've heard nothing.
It seems petty to ask for a gift back, especially considering I gave her one that Christmas of equal value and it has never occurred to me to ask for it. I'm trying to keep my boundaries in tact but don't want to seem like an a$$. 

Have you thought about a guitar exchange?  You give her dad's guitar back and she gives you back the one from Christmas.

The easiest thing might be to just return it to someone in her family, to hand over to her. If you want to hand it over to her personally, then do it in a public place, as opposed to meeting at her place or your place.

If you do have contact with her.  A couple of communication strategies that can be helpful in some situations:

SET Statements:  Support, Empathy & Truth
Note: The support part might not work for your situation

Validation (of Feelings) or just DON'T Invalidate by word, tone, expression or body language. If you go to the large green band towards the top of the page and find the "Tools" menu, you will find a workshop about Validation/Don't Invalidate.

[nattylight]

Thanks for your relpy i'd forgotten abut this post, as it was mostly a way for me to vent and speak with others with similar experiences. Its been over a month now and I still have not heard from Cam about her wanting the guitar back. I wanted to explain further because I think my last post was confusing, I gave Cam a gift of similar value, not another guitar. She got a necklace from me since I worked in jewelry and she gave me the guitar in return that Christmas. I wish it was as easy as trading things back, but I would never ask for a gift back nor do I think it could solve our situation. At this point in time, I think our friendship has sailed all its course and I likely won't ever hear from her again. I spoke with her sister last week and I apologized for any strife and hoped we (her sister and I) could remain friends. She said that she and her family still loved me and welcome me, and that they completely understand with Cam's behaviour and how I've distanced myself/opted out of her life. I've decided to take the advice of many posts on here about not getting into a  "drama triangle", and setting my boundaries by not putting myself in a caretaker role for her anymore. I'm extremely happy in my relationship currently (the one that caused Cam to go off the rails in the 1st place) and honestly I rarely think of her. 2020 has presented MANY challenges for us all, but this was one I feel like ultimately benefitted me by taking care of it. Sure, I lost my best friend and it was devastating. But, I've also met the love of my life and shed the role of a caretaker for a fully grown adult. I pray for Cam and her family, but mostly I thank the whole experience for teaching me some tough lessons.

Best,
Nat

[Naughty Nibbler]

Nat:
Best wishes to you.  Sounds like you made some wise decisions.  I hear your joy & I'm glad you have met "the love of your life".  I'm sure that new friends will enter your life, and bring you joy as well.