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Author Topic: 5 years removed from a BPD. Update  (Read 1181 times)
anxiety5
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« on: October 24, 2020, 12:44:14 AM »

Hey all,
I came to this very forum in 2015. Confused, gaslit, cheated on, devalued, desperate, anxious, depressed and broken. My insane relationship of the previous 2 years was finally over. I was where many of you are. If anyone wants my background simply check my profile name and read through my old posts. I wanted to come back here and share some updates to let you know there is hope for a better future. To share some of the things I went through post relationship on my journey to today. And, to also offer any support to anyone who needs to talk.

When we first broke up I had endured her wrath of a relationship for 2+ years. Within 5 months I had our break up, my dad had a nearly fatal heart attack, my grandmother died and then I woke up and found my pet cat dead that was only 8 years old.  It was a dreadful time. Nothing mattered though. All I could think of was her.

There was an intense period of rumination post break up. All I wanted was to post about my experience, to read about narcissists and BPD, to understand what happened to me. Why. How and what I could do to never have it happen again.  This has to run it's course. The steam that motivates this will run out. It's just a stage of the grief cycle that will pass.

I found myself mid 30s. Single. Broken. Alone. Now what?

Invest in you. All the things I may write here may seem exhausting. Too much to do. Just remember it starts with one decision to get moving in the right direction. And it continues when you decide to do it again the next day. It's really that simple. It's not about things being perfect, it's about committing to try and make them better.

I started going to the gym. I rekindled my love of music. I would work out in the morning at the Y and listen to music on my headphones. This was my time. It was like a quiet and peaceful meditation. An hour of commitment to nourish my body through exercise.

I started writing. It doesn't matter how or when or why. Paper? Ok. Notebook? That works. Notepad on your PC at home? that works. I put the date, and just typed a paragraph. Some days a sentence. Others, pages.  Whatever was on my mind. How I felt. The good things and the bad things. (This is actually priceless to read today and it reminds you when you are down that you felt that way before and made it through)

I started doing things alone. I knew that I would not be good for anyone until I healed myself. Until I accepted what had happened. Until I forgave her for doing what she did to me and myself for tolerating it for so long.  I'd go for walks. I became an obsessive weekly jogger. If I wanted to see a movie? I'd just go. A fight was on I wanted to see? I'd go get a spot at the bar on a Saturday far from my town and just sit there and watch while having a quiet dinner. I got comfortable in my own skin which is something that is vital and absent in most of us co-dependents. I'd go to the beach by myself. I'd listen to music on the way there and back. That restaurant I wanted to try? I'd go for lunch so I felt less awkward about being there alone.  I prayed. I cried alone countless times. When the emotions would creep in, I'd let them. I'd sit with them. I'd cry, I'd write how I felt. But...I NEVER called or contacted her.  

Let me be clear. When you leave, you can never return. Change your number, move, whatever it takes. Don't tell me that "It's more complicated than that" If you have kids that's the only exception. Otherwise would you want to be around toxic waste that makes you sick in it's vicinity? That's what these people are.  Your healing depends upon you never contacting them again. Your journey to healing can not start until you decide that you are tired of feeling bad.

I read a lot about mental health, I took personality tests. I was always hyper focused on her and her needs. I started getting re-accustomed to my own needs. What would make me happy in a relationship? I read about core beliefs. Who am I? What matters most to me? Write. It. All. Down.

After months of doing these things I felt better physically. I felt better about me because I started to get my health back. I started feeling healthy. All the questions I pondered about what made me happy? What I wanted out of life? Where I think things went wrong? all lead in different directions which I tracked down one by one. I was in a spiritual journey to learn about me. To understand who I'am and what I want out of the rest of my life.  Doing all of this you begin to realize how poorly aligned you were with your BPD partner.

I took a big step and started seeing a therapist. I went 10 times and made it clear what I wanted while there. I wanted help processing what happened in my relationship and helping move past it.  I discussed all the things I had read about me, shared the things I wrote down and she helped guide me through all of this to understand that it was not my fault. I could let go of it and even forgive her (from afar) After 10 sessions I felt purged of so much weight. This step was very hard for me but so very necessary and helpful.

After a year of nurturing myself through health, through new hobbies, through being comfortable being alone, through soul searching, by learning more about me and being a better friend to myself I started to feel better. I regained my confidence in the work I had done to understand what had happened, why it happened and to learn my blind and weak spots and by asking myself what I truly wanted out of the rest of my life from that day forward.

Eventually I started dating again. I really enjoyed this. This was the first time I had ever really " "dated" I had always gone relationship to relationship. This time I was the the one hosting interviews per say. It wasn't about me trying to get someone to like me. It was about me being real. Being myself. Being respectful. Learning about others and looking for a companion that matched my core beliefs and things that I was inside. Also learning the red flags from my BPD relationship as to avoid another relationship like that or person like her.

I found her. I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and just bought a ring for engagement. We have lived together a year. I've never been happier. I have never felt healthier and I have never regretted the way it all happened.

I have not talked to her in 5 years. She lives 2 miles away or I assume she still does. It is possible to do albeit very hard.  You have the power to improve your life. Only you. You are the agent of change. It's not going to ever happen until you make it happen.  I look back on some of the things I wrote in the times after that relationship. How depressed, sad and terrible I felt. The anxiety the feeling I had lost everything. In those moments that may have felt true but it wasn't.

The truth is sometimes we need to be stripped to our bare bones and have our soul exposed in order to become the person we were meant to become. Maybe it's us, maybe it's bad luck or maybe it's just the path we were meant to take but our path is the difficult one. It's worth it though, for we are the ones who truly love. We are the ones who truly appreciate. We are the ones who have been on the other side of hell which is a necessary part of truly and fundamentally appreciating it's flip side.

What if I told you everything was going to be ok? Not for any other reason than because I personally know and have been through it.  Stay strong. Stay focused and if I can ever help any of you let me know. The saying really is so true that life is too short to feel the way I did for those 2+ years. Don't accept your situation. There is no heroic award for enduring abuse. Get out. Get away. Stay away. Love yourself. Find yourself and Live your life in peace. You deserve it.

Thanks all.

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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2020, 01:47:05 AM »

Beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  I read your post twice.

Thank you,
Gemsforeyes
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anxiety5
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« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2020, 02:13:44 AM »

Thanks Gemsforeyes! This is a really special place. A lot of people helped me so very much on here who I never knew a day before signing up and have probably passed by them somewhere out there in the World yet will never meet them face to face. They paid it forward to help me in a very dark time of my life by simply listening and being supportive or offering advice. I'm here to do to the same now for anyone who may need some help or for anyone who simply needs to hear from a fellow veteran of a BPD relationship that there is hope for a better future and that it's never too late to decide to begin moving in that direction.  Every one of us has had our moment of doubt or questioned our worth or the will to even try anymore.  I just want anyone out there who needs to hear this to know that you will be ok! And, that myself and so many like us who are either currently going through this or went through it are HERE FOR YOU!
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2020, 09:00:38 AM »

Excellent. I mirror (hehe) Gemsforeyes' post. Thank you. This is a very helpful post.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2020, 10:01:57 AM »

Thankyou for this post
Im going through the early stages of this and need every bit of help i can get
Every day is different,  some ok, most bad
But im doing what i can to stay afloat
My main feeling at the moment is one of helplessness,  i feel totally bereft at times
Even though i know its for the best,  somedays i just miss her desperately
The pain and heartache is unbearable at times
But i keep reminding myself just how toxic she was for me
Two days after our final breakup she had, in her words, ' moved on' with someone else
If you read my threads you will see my story
But this post has given me hope
Thankyou
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Ginainny

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« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2020, 11:51:43 AM »

Thank you thank you thank you! I am in the early stages of "recovery". Going on 6 weeks of NC.  I would love to say I'm feeling better everyday, but I'm still back and forth. I will say the better days are out numbering the really bad days.  I have had SO much change in the past 6 months, the final discard being the cherry in top.  I do have a question for you.  You say that you never contacted her again, but did she ever reach out to you ?  I am feeling fairly confident that I won't reach out to my ex at this point, however I'm afraid that he will try and reconnect at some point and what my reaction will be.  Maybe not, it just seems like everything I read suggests they always come back.  Any insight ?
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2020, 12:02:14 PM »

Thank you for taking the time to write us! I am so happy for you.  Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
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« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2020, 02:03:23 PM »

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed to hear it today. I’ve been really depressed now that I’m “waking up” in a sense and no longer brushing off or excusing the abuse I’ve been dealing with for years. I feel like the universe is telling me I need to leave. I’m so afraid to start that process. Reading your words definitely helps.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2020, 11:30:09 PM »

Thank you thank you thank you! I am in the early stages of "recovery". Going on 6 weeks of NC.  I would love to say I'm feeling better everyday, but I'm still back and forth. I will say the better days are out numbering the really bad days.  I have had SO much change in the past 6 months, the final discard being the cherry in top.  I do have a question for you.  You say that you never contacted her again, but did she ever reach out to you ?  I am feeling fairly confident that I won't reach out to my ex at this point, however I'm afraid that he will try and reconnect at some point and what my reaction will be.  Maybe not, it just seems like everything I read suggests they always come back.  Any insight ?

Congratulations on taking the much important step to break away. My ex reached out to me about a month after we were finished and said she missed me (via text) we had broken up so many times before. This time was different. I was finished. If you are confident you're done you're done.  My advice to you would be to simply block her. Make it so she can't contact you. Not only is that the right thing to do but it free's your mind. How many times do you check your phone in the morning and your first thought is perhaps she text you overnight? If she's blocked, that is not possible so therefore that thought goes away.  You probably have a sense of dread about blocking her.  That's normal but it's a barrier you must pass if you want to do this once and for all. It's easy to make excuses about why you can't block her or to convince yourself of reasons why you shouldn't but the truth is, if we are honest with ourselves it's because we are hoping for some apology or them reaching out to us, etc.  If this sounds relatable your chances are much higher of relapsing. 

It's important to remember what you are doing here. We break free for US. We leave for OUR health. We go our own way to TAKE CHARGE OF OUR OWN LIVES. To truly achieve this we can not let them still control us by proxy. NOT blocking them means they still own us. Independence is achieved when your abuser can no longer control, manipulate or dictate your actions any longer. 

When I missed her, when I had urges to text, when I felt sad about things what helped me is by writing down all the incredibly horrible things she did to me. The cheating, the lies, the manipulations, the ruined holidays and birthdays, etc.  Write those things down and keep them close by at all times. When you have an urge, read them. Remind yourself of why you aren't with her right now.

We don't miss them. We miss the idea of them. The image of them they falsely painted for us when we first met.  But that is not who they are. The most accurate representation of who that person is rests in the words of that letter I suggest you write as a reminder to yourself.  And what you will write in that letter and read to yourself in a moment of missing them is NOT something worth our time. 

Just remember that every day you work on you is a day closer to becoming whole again. And, only when we are whole are we able to love ourselves, and others in such a way as to truly find the relationship with someone else one day we THINK we had with them but sadly we never did.

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grumpydonut
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« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2020, 11:40:26 PM »

Excerpt
if we are honest with ourselves it's because we are hoping for some apology or them reaching out to us

I appreciate you coming back, Anxiety. This is 100% true. I crave an apology from her so much, but it's never going to come.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2020, 11:43:20 PM »

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed to hear it today. I’ve been really depressed now that I’m “waking up” in a sense and no longer brushing off or excusing the abuse I’ve been dealing with for years. I feel like the universe is telling me I need to leave. I’m so afraid to start that process. Reading your words definitely helps.

You are very welcome. Hang in there! There is rarely a perfect linear process to getting better or taking the steps needed to leave. When I was in that relationship I didn't feel like I was a real person. I felt like an accessory. Like I was on this wild ride and knew deep down it was unsustainable but helpless to figure out how to leave or articulate what was stopping me.  It's not to far from the way we might say to someone in a cult "Why don't you just leave?"  They don't really have an answer.

So much of these relationships are anxiety driven roller coasters with shots of adrenaline flooding our veins as we try and stay afloat through the storm. It's exhausting and it's distracting us from even realizing how unhappy we are or the fact that there is a way out. We must take the time to seek moments of clarity.

You will be ok. The fact that you are here means you know deep down what you have to do. Like a traveler before a great journey, it can take some time to gather what's necessary before you leave. In this case, giving yourself permission to let go.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2020, 11:53:17 PM »

I appreciate you coming back, Anxiety. This is 100% true. I crave an apology from her so much, but it's never going to come.

It's been 5 years and I haven't gotten one. I never will. That's ok! I forgive her for that. Anger is baggage and I let go of it a long time ago. You will too. Writing it all out helps a lot. You can say a lot to someone without ever telling them by writing it out.

I believe BPD/Narcissists almost enjoy the fact we might be missing them, thinking about them, waiting for their calls, texts, etc.  That's precisely why I decided not to do it. The biggest win/win we can ever achieve is to grieve, process and then let go of that relationship while healing ourselves. To not seek approval, forgiveness or apology from anyone ever again. To get well. To forgive. To let go. If you do these things you will not only find peace, if you ever run into this person one day in the future you will be the righteous one. You will be all the things she wishes she can but never can be. Someone at peace, calm, spiritual, who grew, who turned a bad into a good, someone free inside with a spirit too powerful for even her to break. You will find what they can never find...happiness.

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Andy1963
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« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2020, 07:15:20 AM »

I have yet to block her
I know its a step i must take, and i recognise that its because part of me wants her to contact me
I absolutely realise that my time with her sucked the life out of me
In fact that phrase was used by a friend of hers to me when we had a break up earlier in the year
She said that this is what she does, and when ive nothing left go give she'll move on to the next one
So i was well warned
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Ginainny

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« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2020, 10:20:23 AM »

Thank you so much, again.  Everything you say is so "spot on".  I have written pages of all of the lies (that I know about) and we were only together a year!  It is truly incredible how much havoc someone can cause to another in such a short period of time.
Again, you absolutely hit the nail on the head with checking the phone every morning.  I am wishing for an apology, or if I'm being completely honest, that his relationship with my replacement has failed already.  But that ends today.  I have him blocked on all social media, but today I am also blocking his phone number.  Thank you for giving me the push I needed. 
Congratulations on your happiness.  I'm really glad you updated on this board.
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Football2000
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« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2020, 04:01:39 PM »

What a good story. Your story sounds exactly like mine, only I am only a few months into "taking care of myself". I take your story as hope that it will be good for me too. Thanks so much for sharing.
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crushedagain
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« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2020, 01:13:23 PM »

You say that you never contacted her again, but did she ever reach out to you?  I am feeling fairly confident that I won't reach out to my ex at this point, however I'm afraid that he will try and reconnect at some point and what my reaction will be.  Maybe not, it just seems like everything I read suggests they always come back.  Any insight ?

I'm not sure what/where you're reading, but I do not think "they always come back." I'd bet that the opposite is true. These people exhaust relationships then move on to another victim.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2020, 03:32:54 PM »

Nicely said, Anxiety5.  I try to let folks here know that, as painful as the process is, going through the BPD crucible is what leads to greater happiness, as you have demonstrated!

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
grumpydonut
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« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2020, 11:57:23 PM »

Crushed Again,

There's no set rule. Some come back if they think they can use you as supply again, others have too much shame. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. We shouldn't want them to come back, and if we do we need to deal with our own issues re. lack of self respect.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2020, 12:35:56 AM »

What a good story. Your story sounds exactly like mine, only I am only a few months into "taking care of myself". I take your story as hope that it will be good for me too. Thanks so much for sharing.

Good for you. It takes remarkable courage to move on from these people. Feel good about it. Feel positive about the future. You will have moments of doubt, of weakness and sadness. Know that up front. Accept it with grace.  This is part of your journey. We always hear that anything worthwhile is difficult, right? We all hear that. We all acknowledge that as a true fact of life. Consider this that moment for you and everyone else here. The turbulent waters on the way to a happier life. We are all here for you and if I can ever help let me know. I'm here to tell that story and help and I hope that everyone here who reaches the other side of their current situation does the same. I feel it my obligation to return here now and try and help as many people as I can get to a safer, healthier and happier place. It DOES exist.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2020, 12:43:10 AM »

Thank you so much, again.  Everything you say is so "spot on".  I have written pages of all of the lies (that I know about) and we were only together a year!  It is truly incredible how much havoc someone can cause to another in such a short period of time.
Again, you absolutely hit the nail on the head with checking the phone every morning.  I am wishing for an apology, or if I'm being completely honest, that his relationship with my replacement has failed already.  But that ends today.  I have him blocked on all social media, but today I am also blocking his phone number.  Thank you for giving me the push I needed. 
Congratulations on your happiness.  I'm really glad you updated on this board.

I'm here to talk anytime. Post, direct message me. Whatever. This is funny to me now but I remember it wasn't at the time. One of my close friends and I had dinner together and I kind of went on a tangent about everything that had happened in our relationship to sort of vent. I remember the look on his face of shock and bewilderment. I was so conditioned for crazy that what became my normal was to other people I shared with, absolutely insanity. I always felt reluctant to share in those moments because I felt like I had lost my compass of what was normal or not. The nice thing about people here is they get it. There is no judgement. There is nothing we can hear that sounds crazy. There is nothing you can do to ever have me think you're pathetic or weak. I've danced with crazy, I tolerated and put up with things that shock me. I operated without self respect, love or worth.  I have been deep into it so I understand how all of you feel. If you ever need a sounding board, reach out anytime. 
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2020, 03:40:02 AM »

Anxiety, how did you get over those feelings of lack of self worth, respect and love? I am going through that now, and every day is war in my own mind. It's not even about my exBPD anymore, it's something far deeper.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #21 on: December 21, 2020, 02:45:44 AM »

Anxiety, how did you get over those feelings of lack of self worth, respect and love? I am going through that now, and every day is war in my own mind. It's not even about my exBPD anymore, it's something far deeper.

It's hard. For me personally, I stepped back and saw the pattern that exists in her relationships prior to me. It's pervasive and never ending. That sliver of recognition allowed me to realize that what happened to me was not as a result of ME or who I'am. 

Furthermore, the most important thing to learn here is that we must stop looking to others to validate our self worth. In my case she didn't know how to be loving loyal or true. She knew how to fake it. To pretend. So the facade goes on for a period of time before breaking down to the truth of who she really is.

Part of the reason that attracts us to these individuals is because they are master manipulators and can sense our deficits in ourselves. We put them on pedestals because they reflected back to us and filled the parts of us that were not whole long before we met them.  They did this for their own selfish purposes not authentically. So when that mask falls and reality shows we are left devastated.

It starts with you. You must not seek validation in someone else including the person that hurt you. The way I got over this was to step away completely and to learn how to be alone but ok. I started working out. That was MY time to nurish my body. To make progress and feel better.  I did stuff I never had before like go to the beach by myself. Like go see a movie myself.  I spent a lot of time talking with old friends and FaceTiming my nieces and nephews.  I took up a few new hobbies I stunk at but found the courage to just get out and try new things.  I found a purpose. I realized I was a friend to others, I was a brother to others, I was a son to my parents, I was an uncle to my nieces and nephews.  I had a purpose. I was someone who had blessings around me that I needed to rekindle and rebuild my foundation. 

To summarize, get away from them. Stay away from them. Stop yourself from measuring your self worth by the way they treated you. That is a measure of them not you. Find comfort in your own company. Find peace. Go for walks. Find new activities. Rekindle friendships, family relationships and try new things.  Nurish your body. Take care of yourself.  Try it for 1 week. When you do it, go for 2 weeks. These little goals, these little victories these little moments of joy you find in the world around you help ease your soul. Help you see beauty in things other than that relationship.  Soon enough you will feel better and more at peace. You will also gain confidence as the pain eases and realize...I did it. I'm making it.  I hope this helps.
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cash05458
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« Reply #22 on: December 21, 2020, 07:21:33 AM »

thanks for those posts Anxiety 5...I too am just beginning the journey you went thru...just a few weeks in really...same deal, she left me, after 6 years, like a piece of garbage...thank you for writing all those things down for others and myself...will try to listen.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #23 on: December 21, 2020, 12:32:44 PM »

thanks for those posts Anxiety 5...I too am just beginning the journey you went thru...just a few weeks in really...same deal, she left me, after 6 years, like a piece of garbage...thank you for writing all those things down for others and myself...will try to listen.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Iam each and every one of you. I did not have any strength you lack. I did not have any wisdom you do not. I never had any magic bullet or secret formula to get through what you are going through.
Everyone here found this place because a deep part of your soul wants for something greater. You aren't here to continue the pain, you are here to share, to learn and to ask for support so you can get to the other side of what you are feeling right now. That is fantastic. That just proves you do know that you deserve better and you are willing to look for ways to find it.  That is literally all you need to get to a healthier place.

One of the hardest and most powerful things you can do is to let go. Let go of the past. Let go of trying to figure out why it happened. Get away from them and stay away. Not for vengeance, consequence or punity but for your own health and sanity.

I think those of us who go back still don't get it or see it. Not judging I went back too several times. What I mean is, words have meaning but action is the agent of change. We all KNOW they aren't good for us. We all KNOW we deserve better. We all KNOW we need them out of our lives through no contact. But that is the single hardest thing. I think the turning point is when I was able to truly put that into real action. I could recite all the right things to do but there has to be that connecting point for each of us individually. That ah-ha moment where we just realize that we can not be around them, in contact with them and be healthy or whole. I used to equate my BPD ex to radioactive material. You may not see exactly how but proximity to her was hurting me. Logically I just got it. If I were around radioactive material what would I do when I started getting sick? Why is nobody allowed within miles of Chernobyl even decades after the nuclear accident? Because it invisibly and lethally harms us. Therefore the only solution is to get away. Even if you don't know what comes next. Get away. Once you make that choice you should feel the most proud of yourself you ever have in your life. All the pain (temporary pain) that comes from that forced absence and distance you are taking on by that decision is done for one purpose. YOU. You have chosen you. You have chosen to prioritize YOU.  That is a game changing moment.  From there anything is possible and that is when TRUE healing begins one moment at a time, one day at a time. 

You WILL get to a place where you look back and cry. Not for them. Not for the loss of the relationship. You will cry and mourn for your old self. It hit me one day  and I broke down. How could I let someone make me feel that way? How could I let my spirit be so crushed? How did I let anyone else in this world make me stop being the beauty of life, of love and of inner peace? I cried and mourned for my former self. I felt so sad realizing how hopeless I had been and how I hard it was to stay away from someone so wrong for me. I grieved the same way a person may cry for an abused child or animal. How that child or animal thinks it has done something wrong or is deserving of such treatment and how sad to realize how deserving they are of love and peace. 

In moments like that I would just take a deep breath and let the calm rush over me. I was now safe. I was courageous for doing what I did. I was brave for doing what I knew was right despite how bad I made me feel. I was proud of all the growth from back then that led to that moment of reflection.

You are on the same path. And each of you will come out of this better. I'm convinced that I met her for a reason. I had holes within me that she shredded to the core of my being. But that experience that left me torn down is the only way I could have ever realized the things I learned about myself. I would have gone through life with those deficits. I'm thankful for her. I went through hell and it was worth it because I came out being the person I was meant to be all along.

God bless you guys.
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Baglady
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 205



« Reply #24 on: December 21, 2020, 05:23:06 PM »

Hi Anxiety5  Welcome new member (click to insert in post),

Your latest post really resonated with me today, thank you for your kind words of wisdom and support.  Three years out from my own nightmare experience and well on my way but it's always helpful to hear from folks who are further out in their healing and who have (mostly) made it to the other shore.

Best to you,  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Warmly,
B



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anxiety5
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« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2020, 12:03:40 AM »

Hi Anxiety5  Welcome new member (click to insert in post),

Your latest post really resonated with me today, thank you for your kind words of wisdom and support.  Three years out from my own nightmare experience and well on my way but it's always helpful to hear from folks who are further out in their healing and who have (mostly) made it to the other shore.

Best to you,  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Warmly,
B

You are most welcome. Thank you for being here. Your journey is inspiration for others. I wish happiness and peace for you. If I can ever help just let me know.


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BPDsysiphus

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
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« Reply #26 on: December 28, 2020, 10:52:45 AM »

Wow. This thread is gold. Thank you.
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cash05458
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Relationship status: living together/possibly breaking up
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« Reply #27 on: December 28, 2020, 11:14:37 AM »

Anxiety 5...thank you for that...that was something very real...thank you for sharing that...it is helping me and many others here I am sure...
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anxiety5
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« Reply #28 on: December 28, 2020, 11:24:57 PM »

Wow. This thread is gold. Thank you.

You are welcome! I want everyone to read this that feels lost or broken. You aren't alone! And I also hope anyone that makes it through to the other side comes back to this forum like I have in order to pay back to others what perfect strangers did for me 6+ years ago.  If you ever need to pick my brain or talk message me I'm here.  You know what's wild about these conditions our significant others suffer from? And also this is another reason not to internalize what happened.  The fact that a bunch of strangers who have never met, live all around the country and World can date someone with a defined condition like BPD and essentially have the same exact experience with them, only proves that it's not us and it was never personal. This is a serious condition and until we decide to exit the roller coaster, are just objects along for the ride. I got off and if I can help someone else get off the roller coaster than I feel it's my duty to help.

Have a great evening. Please share your updates often. I want to hear about how everyone is doing. 
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BPDsysiphus

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« Reply #29 on: December 29, 2020, 07:31:32 AM »

Hey anxiety5,

(Rereading everything I just wrote, basically I have a lot of hesitation, confusion and uncertainty at the moment. Things were good a few days ago even tho I knew she was lying to me about so much, but I let it go for the sake of the holidays. Day after Xmas we started arguing because she was acting shady again and that when I confronted her about some lies and she walled up and denied everything til the 11th hour and finally came clean about 1 thing out of a dozen. She does try tho, she more often than not is the one that tries to fix things between us so I can’t help but feel like she loves me. Then after awhile of things being good she inevitably finds a way to screw everything up. I feel so confused.)

A super condensed version of my provlems can be found in the thread “can’t give any more chances (vent). It’s not a complete picture it’s enough to give you an idea of what I’ve dealt with.

I’m only 3 days reduced contact with her now because we share a 3 year old but I haven’t spoke more than a few minimal absolutely necessary response texts and don’t have any intention to give her any more. I’m still stewing in the latest betrayal. The few lingering thoughts on my mind right now are these...and are making me second guess detaching.

1) is she even a real person? She feels like a robot wired for selfishness at this point. That it doesn’t matter how great things can be even if it’s for awhile, she’ll revert back to her destructive programming. Is everything just a elaborate act out of convenience? Will she always cheat and lie to me if given the opportunity? Even if she “gets better” via DBT?

2)Technically  were still married and I can put her on my insurance to help her get access to therapy. Should I? Would she even appreciate me for it or just use it for her benefit and still abandon or cheat on me down the road?

3) From my 4 years of experience with her shes not narcissistic even tho she can be quite obnoxious during rage fits. She doesn’t name call and I feel like she really cares about me and loves me on some level.  It just seems like she’s impulsive and shows great guilt. So many times I’ve seen her cry.  I can’t tell what is real and what’s not anymore. Who the real her is. Is it the one that betrays me and shows little remorse or the one who I’ve had all the thoughtful and intimate conversations with. It’s like I’m dealing with two people. I don’t know who the REAL her is and I’m scared that by giving up I’m losing a special person who really loves me.

Also this article below that I came across gives me hope and makes me think I’m making a mistake by walking away. That maybe all the cheating and betrayal was just a symptom and if I could just get her help we could be together and happy...your thoughts?

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/most-accurate-article-on-bpd-we-have-recently-read-kudos/
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