Hey anxiety5,
(Rereading everything I just wrote, basically I have a lot of hesitation, confusion and uncertainty at the moment. Things were good a few days ago even tho I knew she was lying to me about so much, but I let it go for the sake of the holidays. Day after Xmas we started arguing because she was acting shady again and that when I confronted her about some lies and she walled up and denied everything til the 11th hour and finally came clean about 1 thing out of a dozen. She does try tho, she more often than not is the one that tries to fix things between us so I can’t help but feel like she loves me. Then after awhile of things being good she inevitably finds a way to screw everything up. I feel so confused.)
A super condensed version of my provlems can be found in the thread “can’t give any more chances (vent). It’s not a complete picture it’s enough to give you an idea of what I’ve dealt with.
I’m only 3 days reduced contact with her now because we share a 3 year old but I haven’t spoke more than a few minimal absolutely necessary response texts and don’t have any intention to give her any more. I’m still stewing in the latest betrayal. The few lingering thoughts on my mind right now are these...and are making me second guess detaching.
1) is she even a real person? She feels like a robot wired for selfishness at this point. That it doesn’t matter how great things can be even if it’s for awhile, she’ll revert back to her destructive programming. Is everything just a elaborate act out of convenience? Will she always cheat and lie to me if given the opportunity? Even if she “gets better” via DBT?
2)Technically were still married and I can put her on my insurance to help her get access to therapy. Should I? Would she even appreciate me for it or just use it for her benefit and still abandon or cheat on me down the road?
3) From my 4 years of experience with her shes not narcissistic even tho she can be quite obnoxious during rage fits. She doesn’t name call and I feel like she really cares about me and loves me on some level. It just seems like she’s impulsive and shows great guilt. So many times I’ve seen her cry. I can’t tell what is real and what’s not anymore. Who the real her is. Is it the one that betrays me and shows little remorse or the one who I’ve had all the thoughtful and intimate conversations with. It’s like I’m dealing with two people. I don’t know who the REAL her is and I’m scared that by giving up I’m losing a special person who really loves me.
Also this article below that I came across gives me hope and makes me think I’m making a mistake by walking away. That maybe all the cheating and betrayal was just a symptom and if I could just get her help we could be together and happy...your thoughts?
https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/most-accurate-article-on-bpd-we-have-recently-read-kudos/I'm really sorry you are going through this man. I would actually really like you to read through my old posts if you have any time. Reading what you describe here is so very similar to my ex and what I experienced. I lost my compass of sanity. You begin to feel crazy through proximity to being around it. I'd be willing to bet our experiences are similar in a lot of ways and I'm wondering if some of the old posts I made might resonate a bit. Here is one I found pretty quick
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=231997.msg12483947#msg12483947What do I think? That is a complex question because what I think now is so very different than what I thought when I was in the middle of it. If this resonates with you though, I was in a place when I look back now that was so toxic. I was being cheated on, lied to, devalued, pushed away, pulled back in only to be clobbered over the head again the second I let my guard down and thought things were finally better. I lived in fear. Constant anxiety, her infidelity made me feel like I was crazy and jealous when in fact she was tearing me apart through her actions. The lack of respect and lack of appreciation was appalling. I was an accessory. A toy like a cat plays with and then gets bored and ignores for a few days. I was so externally focused on trying to mend things, fix things or just survive that I lost site of anything good in my life. My mood around friends and family was subdued and quiet. Everyone knew but nobody said. It was her. On this went in these vicious cycles of blow out fights and then passionate make ups where things were great. These relationships provoke an adrenaline response in us because they are anxiety inducing and wild. Almost like being on a roller coaster. That feeling eventually becomes the norm. Our systems become so out of whack I didn't sleep the way I should, I didn't eat the way I should and I was just so externally focused all the time I lost site of the fact I lost my own soul. In all of the above you say "She loves me" and you may say "I love her" but the truth is I was lost. So far knocked off my foundation I had when we met, I confused the addiction to the cycle and emotion inducing chaos as equal to love. Our realities begin to so differ from what our gut instinct tells us and what our soul knows to be true we pull a self preservation mode and begin to ignore our own instincts we ignore our own truths and we instead replace them with false realities in order to survive. Once we lose touch with those parts of us we are lost. Love? This girl cheated on me with a coworker. Is that love? Her behavior was not love. Words don't mean
PLEASE READ when the actions that follow are destructive. Like a con man selling you something that he says is great only you find out it falls apart once you get home. I was a prisoner not to just her but to myself for the fact I lost any sense of what is normal. Of my own self respect. Of my own happiness of the way I or any other human should be treated.
If any of that sounds familiar the good news is you will be ok. The harder news is It took me getting the hell away, ending the relationship and a lot of self work to get to a better place. I'll tell you this much though. I saved my life. And it's worth it.
