Hi blondie,
Sad to see you here after a lay off. Sounds like you've had a challenging few years.
From what I see in your words, I think you have yet to uncover the deeper issues that reside in your psyche.
Why were you okay with the self destructive behaviour? Why was this your default coping mechanism? Why do you still want to maintain a relationship with someone who was physically abusive and that is now impacting a) your new friendships b) the way you react to certain situations?
In terms of how you heal, the answer is found inward. There are destructive mechanisms in our psyche that govern our emotional wellbeing, and if we don't find them and root them out, we will subsconsiously continue to seek those same emotions in our new experiences.
For instance, I felt unloved, dominated and worthless when I was young. So I naturally put myself in situations that will bring those emotions back, because it's through these experiences that I find identity. It's unhealthy, but it's what I've always done. Now that I know this, I am able to start to turn away from it and gain momentum towards a "true" version of myself who isn't attached to negative emotions.
That might not reasonate with you at all. But it might