Years later and I guess still struggling

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello.
It's been awhile since I have visited this board. My BDP relationship ended 4 years ago, I think, time tends to blend together.

Years later and I have had many failed relationships. Truth be told, I never really expected those relationships to go anywhere so I was okay with the self destructive behaviour. I finally find myself with someone I can see a future with.

My ex is high functioning BPD. She's done a lot of self work and is not the same person that I dated. We maintain a relationship mostly. We go through the typical high and lows. She occasionally has expectations of me that I can't possible meet that seem normal to her because of the value she placing on our friendship.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my ex is always challenging with new people. I understand that, but we've also put a lot of work into the friendship with the understanding that although not romantically compatible, platonically it's possible. We went through a lot and neither of us want to completely turn our backs on that or the support system we created for each other over time.

Which brings me to why I am here. I am finding I am having a lot of difficulty balancing new and old. As in the new doesn't understand the need for the old. The old always has opinions about the new. Beyond that however because new /old is always going to be a challenge regardless of how I try and balance.. I feel like I have triggers from my bpd relationship that impact my current relationship.

I feel like since my former relationship my emotions/feelings are more intense. That I often don't feel heard or validated or that am I allowed to process my reaction to a behaviour /situation. My former relationship was mental, emotional and physically abusive. I feel like I used to be such a calm person and took everything with a gain of salt. Since then, if I get worked up and although I know to leave a situation alone and allow space, I can't do it. I push more. This wasn't me before, but it is an unwelcome new me and I'm struggling with how to regain the emotional balance. I'd we argue about something, I unravel. I can't handle the smallest argument let alone bigger arguments.

I often feel like I haven't fully healed from the damage of that relationship, but how do you heal? I've put the work in, I talk about it but maybe I haven't been fully honest with myself or other people including my therapist? Idk tips or tricks so I don't completely sabotage the first real good thing that's come my way in a really long time?

[blondie34]

Hello.
It's been awhile since I have visited this board. My BDP relationship ended 4 years ago, I think, time tends to blend together.

Years later and I have had many failed relationships. Truth be told, I never really expected those relationships to go anywhere so I was okay with the self destructive behaviour. I finally find myself with someone I can see a future with.

My ex is high functioning BPD. She's done a lot of self work and is not the same person that I dated. We maintain a relationship mostly. We go through the typical high and lows. She occasionally has expectations of me that I can't possible meet that seem normal to her because of the value she placing on our friendship.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my ex is always challenging with new people. I understand that, but we've also put a lot of work into the friendship with the understanding that although not romantically compatible, platonically it's possible. We went through a lot and neither of us want to completely turn our backs on that or the support system we created for each other over time.

Which brings me to why I am here. I am finding I am having a lot of difficulty balancing new and old. As in the new doesn't understand the need for the old. The old always has opinions about the new. Beyond that however because new /old is always going to be a challenge regardless of how I try and balance.. I feel like I have triggers from my bpd relationship that impact my current relationship.

I feel like since my former relationship my emotions/feelings are more intense. That I often don't feel heard or validated or that am I allowed to process my reaction to a behaviour /situation. My former relationship was mental, emotional and physically abusive. I feel like I used to be such a calm person and took everything with a gain of salt. Since then, if I get worked up and although I know to leave a situation alone and allow space, I can't do it. I push more. This wasn't me before, but it is an unwelcome new me and I'm struggling with how to regain the emotional balance. I'd we argue about something, I unravel. I can't handle the smallest argument let alone bigger arguments.

I often feel like I haven't fully healed from the damage of that relationship, but how do you heal? I've put the work in, I talk about it but maybe I haven't been fully honest with myself or other people including my therapist? Idk tips or tricks so I don't completely sabotage the first real good thing that's come my way in a really long time?

[grumpydonut]

Hi blondie,

Sad to see you here after a lay off. Sounds like you've had a challenging few years.

From what I see in your words, I think you have yet to uncover the deeper issues that reside in your psyche.

Why were you okay with the self destructive behaviour? Why was this your default coping mechanism? Why do you still want to maintain a relationship with someone who was physically abusive and that is now impacting a) your new friendships b) the way you react to certain situations?

In terms of how you heal, the answer is found inward. There are destructive mechanisms in our psyche that govern our emotional wellbeing, and if we don't find them and root them out, we will subsconsiously continue to seek those same emotions in our new experiences.

For instance, I felt unloved, dominated and worthless when I was young. So I naturally put myself in situations that will bring those emotions back, because it's through these experiences that I find identity. It's unhealthy, but it's what I've always done. Now that I know this, I am able to start to turn away from it and gain momentum towards a "true" version of myself who isn't attached to negative emotions.

That might not reasonate with you at all. But it might