Always on eggshells

[Horned_Melon]

Hello,
     The struggle is real. I met my husband even we were eighteen. I knew from the moment I met him there would never be anyone else for me. I love him more than my own life and always will. When we bring up the first time, I never dated someone else... He's the only one.

Fast forward... We get married and our first year is hard. He's never been on his own and we accumulated lots of debt. I've never been in debt in my entire life and that was so hard. He gets very depressed and starts putting pressure on me to get us out. He's a musician and loves music so resents me because we have to sell things to pay our bills.
   
I've always wanted to go back to school and I've been on my own since I was sixteen. He has always thrown school in my face and even when I'm working two jobs and doing classes I'm a terrible person in his eyes because I don't understand what he needs.

I'm terrified to talk to him because I never seem to say the right things. I finally moved to a different state with a better job to get us out of debt and immediately he says I abandoned him though I'm just trying to get him to the place he wants to be. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to portray a victim. I'm just so so so sad. The man I love seems to slip farther and farther away and in his place this man screams at me, says the most horrible things, and tells me he's never going to recover from me "leaving" him. I don't know that to do. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time and that nothing I do is ever good enough. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I can't depend on him for anything. He keeps saying things that terrify me that he's going to take his life. I have never posted anywhere before but I have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I have never posted anywhere before but I have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn...

im glad you took this step. experts will tell you a strong support system is critical, and i know of no better place.

I finally moved to a different state with a better job to get us out of debt and immediately he says I abandoned him though I'm just trying to get him to the place he wants to be.

people with bpd traits dont do well with change. especially sudden and dramatic change, or change that involves physical separation.

and if you dont cope with change so well, you lash out. underneath the hyperbole and the blame, what hes saying is "im not reacting to this change very well, and i need you to fix it".

its not only not always in our power to do so, as much as we love our partners, but sometimes its also not the healthiest thing.

having said that, do i have it right that youre married and living in separate states? if so, its a significant change, one that anyone would struggle with.

loving a very difficult person is a battle between understanding, and separating, the invalid from the valid.