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Author Topic: My mind is racing, should I break no contact?  (Read 852 times)
Learn2Cope

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« on: October 27, 2020, 02:00:29 PM »

Hello internet people,

I have never put any part of my story online, but I'm putting my trust in the support and anonymity promised on this website. My apologies if some parts are vague on details, I'm happy to answer questions but I'm hesitant to post too much all at once.

My mom has BPD and is extremely unstable, emotionally.  Due to a very long series of events stemming from my attempt to set personal boundaries, I have not seen her since June 2018.  The last text I got from her was in Oct 2018 where she told me that she doesn't understand why "I hate her so much," but that not knowing makes it "possible for her to wake up each morning."  She said good bye and asked me to take care of my brother.  We have had no contact at all since this final text 2 years ago.

I have suffered from depression for a very long time because of the abuse during my childhood, but the rejection I felt after she asked me not to contact her again pushed me over the edge.  I sought out professional help, and I have begun to heal some of the wounds left behind, but I still have a very long way to go.  I have learned that my self-perception is extremely distorted.  I struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, I have difficulty seeing any of my accomplishments as significant, and I live with a complex web of guilt/pain/loss/longing/inadequacy.  Through counselling, I have recognized these in myself, and I am working to change these perspectives, but even 2 years later, I feel I have just scratched the surface.

Over these 2 years, I had hoped that my mom was doing well and that she had found happiness.  I thought of her often, and not always negatively, but I found that having no contact with her actually brought peace and stability to my life.  I was no longer bound by the unpredictable emotional rollercoaster that haunted me even when she was not around.  However, this also brought on feelings of guilt.  Guilt that I feel such relief living a life without walking on eggshells.

This morning, at 3am, I received an unprompted text message from her, and my brain has been spinning with "what ifs" ever since.  In the message she said she loved me but that "even death won't be as empty" as her life is now.  She said that she has wanted to call a million times, but she is afraid of hearing what I may have to say.  She also said that she thought she heard my voice a couple times but that "must have been the drugs."

I do not know what drugs she is on, or why; she did not abuse drugs before I went no contact.  But because of the specific words she used, and the odd texts my brother received a couple months ago, I believe she may be sick (there's a lot of cancer in the family) or suicidal.  I'm really at a loss right now for how to respond.  I have been grieving the loss of the mother I never had/will have for some time now, and I feel I have made some progress in supporting my own mental health.  I wondered how I would react the day I learn that she has passed away, and today's text has brought some urgency behind those thoughts. 

I want to reach out to her and find out if she is ok.  I do love her very much.  But I do not want to get back into the cycle of abuse and manipulation that was our relationship.  In the past she was completely unwilling to admit that she was part of the problem, and I do not think she would be willing to admit that or seek any help for herself now. 

I don't know how to get closure for myself or acceptance that I made the right decision to go no contact.  Should I break the no contact to find out if she is ok? If so, what boundaries do I set for myself? How should I reach out to her? Should I tell her about the pain I live with? If I tell her things, will she use them against me later like she always has in the past? How do I protect the progress I have made within myself if I break no contact?

I feel like I am looking for advice from other children of BPD parents, or more than that, does anyone out there have a story of when they contacted their BPD parent after being no contact for an extended period? Even just confirmation that other people understand what it feels like to be the daughter of a mother with BPD.

Thanks,
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Turkish
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« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2020, 11:08:31 PM »

Excerpt
In the past she was completely unwilling to admit that she was part of the problem, and I do not think she would be willing to admit that or seek any help for herself now.

This isn't likely a strategy that will work out as it hasn't in the past.  Can you reach out, knowing her personality, and that such discussions aren't going to result in non painful outcomes?

How do you feel she might respond to a "hey mom, we haven't talked in two years, but I've been thinking that we should talk again?"

I hear you about not being proud of my accomplishments. I was alternately praised (many here never were), then criticized, even into my 40s. I still have trouble objectively judging myself. 
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Learn2Cope

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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2020, 07:03:07 AM »

Thanks for the reply Turkish,

I talked to my brother yesterday after I posted here and he was also suggesting that starting with texts would be a good idea, and that's the approach he's taking.

I'm concerned that my motivation to check in say hi is FOG, but after writing things out here, it's obvious that I need clarity.  I'm honestly not sure how she will respond, 2 years ago every exchange we had was toxic for me. This time I'll have to be more mindful of love bombing and other traps I used to fall into than in the past.

Thanks for sharing that you also struggle with acknowledging your accomplishments.  It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one with this difficulty.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2020, 07:10:47 AM by Learn2Cope » Logged
madeline7
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« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2020, 10:42:49 AM »

In the past 5 years, I have gone NC with my elderly uBPDm, and reconnected most likely due to the FOG you mentioned. Each time I tried to have better boundaries, tried to be more mindful, but LC soon became the usual slide into her old games, manipulations, acting out, blaming. Right now I am considering NC again, as I am not a youngster myself and starting to see the effect a lifetime of toxicity is having on my physical and emotional well being. I do feel that there is a spectrum of disorder, and my Mom is extreme in her BPD behaviors, and LC just does not work...for me. It's great for her as it gives her the fuel for her very disordered engine. I am finally getting close to the point where the guilt of what will happen if I get "the call", is not as bad as the damage her presence is having on my life. I do not think in black and white like a borderline, but her toxic nature is causing me to make a choice. And I am choosing me. This is hard. Take care.
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Learn2Cope

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« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2020, 05:00:47 PM »

Thank you for the reply and for sharing your story madeline7!

It's comforting for me to know that struggling with this and switching back and forth on a decision of LC vs NC is "normal" for other people with a uBPDm too.

My mom is getting older as well and I am still afraid of getting "the call" one day.  I'm not sure that LC is possible for me either, but I do feel the urge to give it one more try, just to be sure of my decision to choose me (I really like how you put that!). 

I hope that one day soon, you find peace madeline7, and that choosing yourself helps your well being improve. Best of luck!
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2020, 09:42:46 AM »

I think you should reach out.

I also think you should send messages and "offer" contact to your Mom on your terms..not hers.

I got the vibe that you cut off contact because of what she said.  Is that correct (I realize that may be a bit simplistic...add whatever details you deem appropriate)

I would encourage you to imagine with me a little bit.

Imagine what you life and relationship with your Mom was like if she was reacting to you, instead of you doing things "because of her".

Oh..and I want to agree with Turkish.  Having a criteria for a relationship that suggests a disordered person must "admit" to disordered things...well...that rarely works out well.  I understand the allure of them "getting it"...but is it realistic?

Best,

FF
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Methuen
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« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2020, 09:52:35 AM »

Excerpt
She said good bye and asked me to take care of my brother.  We have had no contact at all since this final text 2 years ago.
Chances are she did this because she was afraid you would leave her due to a deep fear of abandonment, so she struck first, and broke contact with you. It’s kind of a “the best defense is a great offense” response..  It’s distorted thinking, and a maladaptive response, but common for BPD.  Do you think that fits with your situation?
Excerpt
In the message she said she loved me but that "even death won't be as empty" as her life is now.  She said that she has wanted to call a million times, but she is afraid of hearing what I may have to say.  She also said that she thought she heard my voice a couple times but that "must have been the drugs."
the language she chose is interesting. A bit dramatic, and almost like a tease, because shes not coming out and giving you any facts, but using a bit of mystery to draw you in.  For me personally, that’s a yellow flag because that’s how my mother operates.  Honesty is lacking, but hidden motives are always there.
     It could be a hook to bait you into her need for more control and drama, or it could be authentic.  It seems like a risk vs reward dilemma.
     You are very clearly a thoughtful person.  You have already considered all the angles.  Whatever you decide must be about you, and your well-being.  
    That would have been a distressing text to receive - an emotional trigger, which also leaves you with a tough decision  to make.  It wasn’t  really a fair text after that length of NC.  She is in control of the information, and making you react.  On the other hand, it’s possible it also took courage.  
     A question: since she was reaching out to you after a 2 year spell of NC iniated by her, were there any inquiries about how you were doing?  Just curious.
       Whatever you decide to do, I think it is important to remember there are no right or wrong ways to respond, because the situation is fraught  and complicated.  If you decide to respond, choose your words carefully. Words matter so much.  You could even write it out here first...there are many wonderful people who could help with feedback.  If on the orher hand, you choose not to reply, I would respect that, and assume you have your reasons.  
     Its a difficult dilemma.  We’re here for you. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2020, 10:08:15 AM »

 
     A question: since she was reaching out to you after a 2 year spell of NC iniated by her, were there any inquiries about how you were doing?  Just curious.
       

This is a very insightful observation/question.

Depending on the answer...I could see my recommendation shift.

Best,

FF


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beatricex
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2020, 08:01:04 PM »

Hi LearntoCope,

Going NC is a tough tough choice.  Usually there is a very good reason, that no one except you (and hopefully your therapist) will truly understand.

I also went No Contact with my BPD'd mom in  2005.  I maintained it until 2012, almost 7 years.  The reasons for me going back were complex, but I would say I missed her, but I missed my Dad more, and since they're married going no contact with one meant going no contact with both.

Interestingly, my Mom reached out to me for years.  At first I didn't read her cards or letters, I threw them away without opening them.  I got facebook messages from childhood friends with vague messages like "I saw your Mom...she's not sure if you're dead or alive..."  (B.S. because I was in the white pages and she was sending me birthday cards!)

Anyway, I got a lot of help in those 7 years, and finally figured out boundaries.  Does she test them?  Yes.  Do I always remain strong?  no.  A lot of time I have meltdowns, which my husband, who I love dearly, helps me get through.

I would have to say I'm now between LC and just contact.  I don't let her go on and on, and I stop her when she starts to lie.  A lot of what I share with her is stuff I'd be happy telling a complete stranger.  In other words, it's a superficial relationship, and the goal is to get along with her well enough that I can see and help my Dad, if necessary.

It's a strange existence, I don't talk about it with friends, but it is what it is.

Nothing about life with a BPD'd person is "normal" so make up your own new normal.  Whatever you do, make sure it supports you and your health.  Make that your goal and let it guide you.

((LearntoCope)

at least this is what I have done

B
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Learn2Cope

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« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2020, 03:36:32 PM »


I got the vibe that you cut off contact because of what she said.  Is that correct (I realize that may be a bit simplistic...add whatever details you deem appropriate)

I would encourage you to imagine with me a little bit.

Imagine what you life and relationship with your Mom was like if she was reacting to you, instead of you doing things "because of her".


Hi Formflier, thank you for the reply!

I suppose the last straw of going NC was because of what she said. But I had spent about 3 months leading up to that point trying to get her to answer my calls or texts.  Trying to get her to answer her door.  And she refused, ultimately ending with the text I mentioned earlier.

It's only through counselling that I've even been able to recognize that the things I did was "because of her".  And that had spilled over into many other areas of my life in a negative way.  In my heart I know she does love me, but I don't think she's actually capable of "reacting to me" in any way that doesn't have strings attached. 

Also, I have given up on the idea of her admitting to being part of the problem.  I was stuck on it for years, but not any more.
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Learn2Cope

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« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2020, 04:08:59 PM »

Chances are she did this because she was afraid you would leave her due to a deep fear of abandonment, so she struck first, and broke contact with you. It’s kind of a “the best defense is a great offense” response..  It’s distorted thinking, and a maladaptive response, but common for BPD.  Do you think that fits with your situation?
Hi Methuen,
thanks for the reply and for sharing some details about your situation.

  This does fit with my situation, and I too believe she initiated this in order to "strike first". Drama and mystery, wrapped up with a lot of guilt has always been how she has dragged me back in before.  Historically, the cycle begins with her dumping all of her hurt feelings on me.  I take it in like a doormat so that I don't set her off even more... Then when she calms down, the gift giving and the love-bombing starts, implanting a shred of hope that things will be better now that we're past this last thing.  Then she explodes again with seething rage over something new, but she incorporates every transgression from the past.

I do believe I'm stronger now, even though I have much farther to go. But I see only red flags in the dramatic wording of the text.

A question: since she was reaching out to you after a 2 year spell of NC initiated by her, were there any inquiries about how you were doing?  Just curious.

No, she has not inquired about how I am doing.  If her logic is the same as it was 2 years ago, she would claim to be "afraid of prying into my life" by asking how I am doing.  This logic was historically used to perpetuate her status as a victim and to blame me as the bad guy. She has told me after I did things like leaving her house if she got too angry that I am her abuser and that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. 

My head is spinning just trying to write this reply to you, trying to wrap my brain around the perpetual victim mentality without my thoughts not reverting back to blaming myself for her feelings.  I spent a long time not recognizing the abuse I was taking, and questioning my own reality being convinced that it wasn't me being abused; convinced that I was abusing her and that I had to fix it.  I guess my biggest concern is that I've worked very hard over the last 2 years to find peace for myself and to find relief from my depression and I'm hesitant to bring that toxicity back into my life.

Anyways,
Thanks for the internet hug, it's much appreciated Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Learn2Cope

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« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2020, 04:35:58 PM »


Hi Beatricex,

Thanks for the reply and for sharing that you have also experience NC from your BPD mom.  Each story I hear like this makes me feel better, and I really appreciate you saying that nothing is "Normal".  I feel heard by you and I thank you for that.


I also went No Contact with my BPD'd mom in  2005.  I maintained it until 2012, almost 7 years.  The reasons for me going back were complex, but I would say I missed her, but I missed my Dad more, and since they're married going no contact with one meant going no contact with both.


My parents split 20 years ago, so I don't have the same draw to go back as you have experienced.  My dad (71y/o) lives 45mins away from me and I visit him at least once a month.  I would say that we have a good relationship, but due to trauma from his childhood, he's never been emotionally available.  He is just like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, Always a bit glum and down about something.

I do still have love in my heart for my mum, just as I have love for my dad.  Part of me does want to try LC again, but I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to her text yet.  I think the thing that is holding me back is that I have a hard time imagining how bringing her back into my life will be beneficial for my mental health.  I do miss her to some extent, but I believe the thing pulling me back is actually fear of guilt and regret on the day that I get "the call".

Thanks again for your kind words Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Methuen
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« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2020, 06:18:41 PM »

Excerpt
This morning, at 3am Yellow flag/questionable (click to insert in post), I received an unprompted text message from her, and my brain has been spinning with "what ifs" ever since.  In the message she said she loved me but that "even death won't be as empty"  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) as her life is now.  She said that she has wanted to call a million times, but she is afraid of hearing what I may have to say Yellow flag/questionable (click to insert in post).  She also said that she thought she heard my voice a couple times but that "must have been the drugs Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)."
Learn2Cope, I think you are very wise in slowing things down, and taking your time to decide how, or if, you will respond to this after 2 years of NC.  The flags just show what I find troubling in the message.  She is being dramatic, likely because her emotions are a bit unhinged.  A question is "why" is she sending this now after 2 years of NC (and why at 3am)?  Why the flowery language (she sounds like she's trying to being poetic with "even death won't be as empty")?  Something must have triggered her to send this off to you,  but like my mom, she can't be honest and simply state what it is.  Instead she's testing the water with her toes, and waiting to see if you take the hook.  It's quite an emotional message (manipulative), rather than a factual one (just telling you what has happened, and what she wants).  Unnerving because of the history?

How far away does she live?

Why did she ask you to "take care of your brother" when she said goodbye and cut off communication with you?  How old is your brother?  Did/does she not communicate with him either (until the more recent "strange" emails you mentioned he received from her)?  

Excerpt
Should I break the no contact to find out if she is ok? If so, what boundaries do I set for myself? How should I reach out to her? Should I tell her about the pain I live with? If I tell her things, will she use them against me later like she always has in the past? How do I protect the progress I have made within myself if I break no contact?
 These are good questions.  I'm not comfortable commenting on the first question, cs I feel like I don't know enough about your situation.  But based on what you've said (you've had counselling for 2 years and only scratched the surface), I'm going to congratulate you for making significant progress because you are taking your time to think and reflect about this, rather than reacting to her with a hair trigger response. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  As to boundaries, how has she pushed/broken them in the past?  What has happened?  Your 3rd question (should you tell her about the pain you live with), my first reaction is "no", because it won't help anything, but will only escalate her emotions because of the BPD.  She's probably incapable of listening, analyzing, reflection, or feeling empathy, so telling her about your pain will have exactly the opposite effect you want it to.  An outburst, attack on you, or all-out rage could follow.  Your 4th qstn - "will she use things you tell her against you" -  yep, she very likely could.  But you probably already know this or you wouldn't have asked the question. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  I think it's kind of natural of us to want the other person understand how they have hurt us, but that's kind of where radical acceptance comes in (for me anyways).  I let go of that need, and just accept my mom for who and what she is, knowing that she has the emotional intelligence of a child, and her emotional brain isn't wired up to understand how she has hurt me.   Your last question (how to protect yourself if you break NC) depends on a lot of things.  Can you tell us a little more?  What exactly are you trying to protect yourself from?

BTW, I love the expression "love bombing" Love it! (click to insert in post).  I've never heard that one before, but I know exactly what you mean. : The love bombing makes me squirm with discomfort, cs it doesn't feel authentic, and it comes with the obligation to return the love bombs (also not authentic).  The cycle you describe is as predictable as a mathematical formula. And it makes us feel kinda crazy, until we finally accept the formula for how it works, and stop playing into it.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2020, 06:34:56 PM by Methuen » Logged
Learn2Cope

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« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2020, 03:56:08 PM »

Hi again Methuen,


Learn2Cope, I think you are very wise in slowing things down, and taking your time to decide how, or if, you will respond to this after 2 years of NC.  
Thank you Smiling (click to insert in post) It's easy to feel a pressure to respond quickly. I agree with the flags you put into the text.  To me, the words she chose seem to be manipulative.  I found them to be unnerving as well because my mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario, what if she were to hurt herself? In these days that have followed, I've pretty much ruled that out as a reality but it was initially concerning.


How far away does she live?

She lives a 15-20min drive away from me.  She does not know my address though, as I set a boundary/rule for myself more than 5 years ago that I want to maintain my apartment as a safe space. If I choose to see her, it will be at her place.  She's never been ok with this arrangement, but I didn't give her a choice.

Why did she ask you to "take care of your brother" when she said goodbye and cut off communication with you?  How old is your brother?  Did/does she not communicate with him either (until the more recent "strange" emails you mentioned he received from her)?  

My brother is older than I am (late 30s). He suffers from mental illness related to childhood trauma and doesn't work as a result.  However, he lives with my dad and has everything he needs provided for him.  My brother has been sending my mom texts on major holidays and her birthday, but she stopped responding to him shortly after she decided to stop communicating with me and we began the NC.  When she sent me this 3am text message, she sent him one saying "Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off until further notice." She has a favourite coffee mug that says this.  There was no hello at the beginning of his text, nor was there any follow up or context.

 
but that's kind of where radical acceptance comes in (for me anyways).  I let go of that need, and just accept my mom for who and what she is, knowing that she has the emotional intelligence of a child, and her emotional brain isn't wired up to understand how she has hurt me.  

My therapist worded it this way "It's possible to love the person, not the disorder."  I've been mulling over those words for months...  and I just don't know if I can get there.

Your last question (how to protect yourself if you break NC) depends on a lot of things.  Can you tell us a little more?  What exactly are you trying to protect yourself from?
I struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth.  After going NC and beginning therapy, I learned just how deeply I had internalized all the nasty things she would say to me.  I find myself now, at 35, trying to learn how to recognize positive things about myself, and trying to learn what it feels like to actually like myself.  It's only recently that I've begun to see glimmers of progress with this, and I'm concerned that since I haven't fully dealt with my past traumas, that this progress will be threatened.

BTW, I love the expression "love bombing" Love it! (click to insert in post).  I've never heard that one before, but I know exactly what you mean.
I learned this term by watching youtube videos by "DoctorRamani." According to her website she is a clinical psychologist, and she posts a lot of videos about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. She has a video called "What is Love-Bombing?" in her glossary of terms videos series.  While BPD and narcissism are not the same, they do overlap in some ways, and watching some of the videos helped me to put words to some patterns of behaviour.

There are plenty of definitions with just a quick google search, but here's one example from healthline.com:
"Love bombing happens when someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior as a manipulation technique.
“It’s often used to win over your trust and affection so that they can meet a goal of theirs,” explains Shirin Peykar, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist."
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Blue Elephant

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« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2020, 06:57:52 AM »

Thank you for making this post is all I really want to say to you. I'm new to this community and I'm still on the roller coaster with my mother unfortunately and it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this struggle, despite feeling alone to deal with it. I would love to be able to break contact even slightly because I'm trying to separate from her over the next 6 months, but I know what kind of guilt that would bring and I'm thinking of seeing a professional in the new year when my health benefits kick in at work. I want to live my life, not hers.
I appreciate your courage and strength.

<3
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