Sorry this is long. I've been so drained for the past month trying to keep the peace in my relationship. I was on the conflicted board and wanted to go on the improving relationship boared as my gf now ex.. was still committed to changing and making things better between us. I've explained in a previous post she hasn't been medicated for awhile and for an update on that, it has not been good for her. She has mentioned she doesn't feel chemically balanced and that has a part to play for the daily blow ups..
Story
Anyway she promised to get help and unfortunately today it blew up again before we could progress to making it better. The night before were in disagreement about replacing a shower head. It sounds silly but it's been draining not having a resolution when we don't meet eye to eye. I believe in asking permission before changing anything in our rental and she believes in what she describes as "taking initiative" , just replacing it and then dealing with the landlord later. To be honest it was not broken she just wanted a fancier one in my opinion that was gentler on her skin. Not only did we have a different approach to things, when my mother rang and she heard her ask me if I had asked the landlord permission yet (although my exbpdgf changed it) that set her off to say "well your mum can eff right off!"
I saw that as really disrespectful, I was hurt and just went silent, thinking about how nasty she was being. When I'm tired and think things aren't going anywhere I disengage, walk away and hope we can talk at a later time. I tell her why, I normally tell her I need a breather and that I'm top stressed but she believes it means I'm running away from her. This has never worked well though and I knew it would be best for me to seek more advice as well because I don't like dealing with conflict or sitting to hear any hurtful words and copping it. So she kept texting me first telling me to never enter the unit again until she has packed everything to aren't you going to answer me, do you care so little? To .. call me.. text me now where are you?
I did come back that night although angry I appreciated she still hugged me in bed and loving feelings came back. Then this morning I woke up to go to a shift and when I came home I wasn't ready to see her. I stayed in my car and talked to a trusted friend telling him about being stressed last night about the shower head and that I was hurt about how she talked about my mother. I was upset because she threw in her usual assumptions e.g. You care more about your mum and her opinion than me. You can even change the person's name. It could be my friend, my work, my pets or my plant hobby, anything she finds she compares them to my love for her.
After that talk I went inside felt brave enough and she seemed happy to see me and asked if we are ready to chat. I know I had avoided going inside the house for 2 hours but I still told her I'm not sure I'm ready to have a chat about what happened and that I needed to eat first. That's where things went sideways and she didn't believe we'd ever talk and that I was a liar etc. That I never intended to chat with her and that I wouldn't change either etc. That I would run away from her and not chat. I listened and I said please can I eat first I'm really exhausted and I'm not ready yet. She needed an immediate response and I had anxiety. She ended up yelling that I cared more about having breakfast and then started to wipe off everything on the table (plate, food, vase of flowers, coasters, lazy susan). It escalated so quickly she was on a wrecking spree. I told her to stop breaking things and to please give me some time to think. She yelled that I don't think and called me all sorts of names intending I was Stupid and couldn't think for myself. She kept saying hurtful things and started throwing the chairs, my mug spilling my coffee on my laptop on the process and then I said no stop or I will call the cops. I don't feel safe. She just got angrier and called me a baby and said that she's been in an abusive relationship before and her throwing plants at me and pieces of plastic doesn't count! I said it does count and I was quite scared. I ended up trying to ring her parents first and she shouted that even if I told them what's happening they'd be on her side and I'd be "all alone", so I stopped and said sorry I have to call the cops if you don't stop and again kept calling me a baby and that I'm wasting their time and starting shaking the bird cage to get me to stop ringing. It was getting really bad but once the cops showed things settled down.
The names she called me. The assumptions she made. I told her to stay away and to please not hurt me and she seemed amused in a different state and saying in a childish voice that of course she would never touch me. It was like she turned into a completely different person but time and time a gain she finds reason to believe I don't care about her enough than anything else going on in my life and that is reason enough to escalate. it reached a point I had to call them.for her to stop and it stopped. She was told to wait outside until her parents came to help collect her things and I waited inside with doors locked. She changed and what I did disturbing is apart of me does care about myself and wanted to protect myself but also blames myself for not being prepared to talk to her and have all of this as a consequence. That I didn't do the best I can when maybe everybody else believes I did. I knew it was the end because I didn't want things to get worse overtime even if I wanted to stay. I was on the fence but I still love her. I felt that if I allowed her to carry on I would be reinforcing abusive behaviour and it had to come to an end before getting more out of hand. She had come to a point where shes comparing my love for my family including my mother to hers and started saying strange things like well go and date her then if you give more
PLEASE READ about her you #^#&$&$* she told me I have no self awareness and that I don't deserve anyone and should only relate to My plants and not another human being.
I am sad Because we've been through so much, from when she moved in and became drug free to now her questioning my love for her and it falling a part. I couldn't be her person anymore. I couldn't have us both win. She competed with like I said the time spent with family friends pets and work and although lived with me it was never enough time and proving I loved her. She always wanted to be together at all times and despised people who robbed her of my time with me.
I've kept the list she made to promise me what she's change and she expected one from me too. She was angry I haven't completed mine yet, saying it takes two and that I do have flaws and yet gets angry when I ask her to help me out with what I could have done better..
Mine was - spend more quality time with her and give her a lot of verbal affirmation
To try and not walk away when I'm anxious (I still do)
Hers: promise to not threaten to break up,
To never yell and become violent, to remember that there is mutual love and care, to remember the love we had early in the relationship is still there, good memories and good intentions for each other, to be understanding of your needs and feelings and not overreact to "everything", to give space and questioning your every move, and thinking the worst of every situation, to analyse negative thinking and ask if it's true (I recommended this one to her), redo DBT, get professional appointments sorted and medications sorted again.
My own mother has told me to stop being a hero and that has stuck with me. My excuse for awhile now has been that this is the last time. I Wanted a stable and healthy relationship but then I still wanted to try and make things better with her. I believed in her but in her eyes I haven't been trying hard enough and that I didn't change because that night I walked away hurt and didn't want to talk.