What I've Learned...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

I have learned so much from this site. The posts that show similar circumstances have really illuminated so much and I am so thankful.

I'm at 2 1/2 months of no contact and it's been so difficult, but ultimately rewarding as I've founded a startup and am on my way to something special.

I think about her once or twice a day and that's pretty good:

However, I don't think about her the same way as when it was first over. I think of her and it immediately becomes me realizing that the person I thought she was and miss dearly never actually existed. She tried so hard to make it real, which does make me feel sorry for her, but her irrational mind made this person impossible to maintain. She told me as much early on and I never took it as meaning what it would turn out to mean.

She hated herself for not really being that special person I thought she was and instead of talking through it, she crushed me and what we had to avoid the shame.

All the love in the world can't help someone who feels ashamed of who they are or aren't. No matter how "good" you are or how much you're willing to sacrifice of yourself, you'll never be able to piece the other person together in a way that they accept. You just can't do this and trying to just leads to more suffering.

I'm thankful for this board because without it, I would not have realized any of this. Who knows where I'd be.

Thanks all,

GM

[LighthousePoint]

Hello all,

I have learned so much from this site. The posts that show similar circumstances have really illuminated so much and I am so thankful.

I'm at 2 1/2 months of no contact and it's been so difficult, but ultimately rewarding as I've founded a startup and am on my way to something special.

I think about her once or twice a day and that's pretty good:

However, I don't think about her the same way as when it was first over. I think of her and it immediately becomes me realizing that the person I thought she was and miss dearly never actually existed. She tried so hard to make it real, which does make me feel sorry for her, but her irrational mind made this person impossible to maintain. She told me as much early on and I never took it as meaning what it would turn out to mean.

She hated herself for not really being that special person I thought she was and instead of talking through it, she crushed me and what we had to avoid the shame.

All the love in the world can't help someone who feels ashamed of who they are or aren't. No matter how "good" you are or how much you're willing to sacrifice of yourself, you'll never be able to piece the other person together in a way that they accept. You just can't do this and trying to just leads to more suffering.

I'm thankful for this board because without it, I would not have realized any of this. Who knows where I'd be.

Thanks all,

GM

[Lucky Jim]

All the love in the world can't help someone who feels ashamed of who they are or aren't. No matter how "good" you are or how much you're willing to sacrifice of yourself, you'll never be able to piece the other person together in a way that they accept. You just can't do this and trying to just leads to more suffering.

Well said, GM.  Kingsley Amis, the late British Writer, once wrote that it is "no use trying to save those who fundamentally would rather not be saved."  I find this quotation an apt description of the dynamic in a BPD r/s.  We Nons try hard to make a BPD r/s work, yet lasting change is fleeting.

LJ

[Football2000]

All the love in the world can't help someone who feels ashamed of who they are or aren't. No matter how "good" you are or how much you're willing to sacrifice of yourself, you'll never be able to piece the other person together in a way that they accept. You just can't do this and trying to just leads to more suffering.

That was my mistake as well. I just thought over and over again - if I just loved enough, or met enough of the demands, then it would someone magically fix things...actually it just made things worse. So I totally agree here.

[LighthousePoint]

While this post was originally about what I've learned;

I still am in the process of learning how to let this whole thing go...

Same story as most others, where it was absolute bliss until it wasn't. Covid, the election, society becoming more fractured didn't help, but somehow we had something special that made the both of us feel good, even as things around us were not.

This ended in the midst of all those bad things and it was awful. I also said goodbye to my career around then. My own choice, which was a good one.

I haven't spoken to her since the beginning of May. I sent letters. That was something we always did and they were never responded to.

I wish things were different but they're not and I don't believe they're going to be ever.

Problem: I can't let it go.

I was really in love with whoever that person was. And I like to think there's a person out there that's really like that; but then at the same time I'm wondering if maybe I'm being unfair and with therapy and some honesty she may be who I thought she was. I wish things were different.

What a vicious cycle. I'm fine. I'm doing all the things I've ever wanted to, even during the pandemic and then I get brought back to this feeling of extreme sadness. I want to be better and I'm not sure how I can be. There's a voice inside me telling me to be better for her and that just seems so dumb, but it's so real.

Rough life.

[Lucky Jim]

Problem: I can't let it go.

Hey LP,  I would say you are going through withdrawal symptoms.  A BPD r/s is similar to an addiction in the sense that we know it's unhealthy, but still want to participate in it.

Detaching from a pwBPD is hard, which is why we're here.  I can confirm that it does get better.  There's no timetable for recovery, and everyone heals at his/her own pace.

I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  What is the right path for you?

LJ

[Ginainny]

I completely understand.  Although it's only been since September 15th since I've spoken to my pwBPD (ex fiancé).  He sent a cryptic text 3 weeks ago that I didn't respond to.  I have to say that makes me feel better that I didn't respond, however it has knocked me back down in my healing process.  I feel like my 2 best friends are sick of hearing about it and don't understand why I can't let this go, hence why I'm here spilling my guts.  I know it wasn't good, but it's so hard to accept that, that person that you love(d) so much wasn't real. 
I tell myself to just keep going and the thoughts of him will get less and less. 

[dishguy]

I just came out of a similar mess. My therapist told me that the best thing is that it ended. Count your lucky stars. My situtation was worse. Remember that this was a learning experience for you. In time you will be able to look back and this nightmare and will be
so much stronger. These BPD folks were wired wrong when they were born. So no reason to dwell on the past. Most of them move on very quickly and line up there next victim.
We were all dealing with someone who was ill, still ill, and most likely will always be ill.
Just keep on trucking and take care of YOU.

[B53]

Ginainng,
I so understand how you feel. He broke up with me so many times that I think my friends have had enough. There is only a few people I can talk to about it. I try to keep it short so I don't scare them away.
In my last post, I wrote about a meeting I had today with my exbp's  therapist, My ex was using paying for a hour of therapy, as a nice jester to check if I was ok. I think what he was hoping for, was that she would help us get back together. She only confirmed all the things I know about this disorder and the fact was, it wasn't real love. Real to us but not to him. I was just a host.

I hope you feel better, I know it will be a long night for me.