Intro to my situation

[first_of_four]

First a bit of background. It's taking a lot of effort to write but here goes:

My Dad: Narcissistic, very schizoid and has aspergers traits, codependent, but breadwinner. Low confidence in social situations. Doesn't research into his son's issues. Highly judgemental, low empathy, doesn't take in criticism or believe he has any issues. Forgetful / in denial of own abusiveness. Doesn't believe in self-exploration.
My Mother: Highly anxious, codependent. Low IQ and lack of confidence. Also in denial and "forgets" abuse due to dissociation at the time and purposeful ignorance. Doesn't believe in self-exploration. Short and has knee problems. Vulnerable to abuse. Highly sensitive to accusations of neglectful parenting. Paranoid about being left alone if father leaves and being unable to care for herself.

4 Adult children (all male).

Me: Possibly aspergers, possibly codependent, possibly a bit narcissistic in teenage and young adult years, avoidant. Good stable job, but parentified and neglected due to stress on parents caused by brother's issues. Recently recovered from depression and anxiety caused by getting back in contact and overwhelming feelings of toxic guilt for problems I was not responsible for causing yet witnessed and was powerless to stop. Still have a therapist to work through any remaining issues as they arise.

My first Brother: Autism, ADHD, OCD. Seems to have BPD-like symptoms (not diagnosed to my knowedge), he did when he lived with me for a few months until I became a mess with the constant treading on eggshells. He becomes highly aggressive and anxious, and sometimes dissociates when abandoned or for anything he perceives as abandoning. Highly sensitive to noise and criticism and has knee problems which restricts his mobility. Passive-aggressive. Lacks adequate communication and persistence to assert his needs to state providers unless in a life or death situation, doesn't follow up. Very narcissistic as teenager. Still has narcissistic traits and codependent. Fired from every job he had. Was made homeless and now in shared house with others, but very isolated and impulsiveness makes this precarious. Lockdown means he has less support right now from charities. Has now got a regular therapist which I am paying for, to ensure that it continues as he is unemployed and reliant on financial support.
Minimal contact by email for both our sanity and I don't know how it is going. He says that communicating with family members that contributed to his trauma can cause him to dissociate so we don't hear much from him except to ask for things and explain occasionally his situation but doesn't stop me worrying and obsessing about how he is doing. Massive conflicts with my dad in teenage years. Been thrown out of parents house twice in the past. Didn't receive any psychological help as a child and inconsistently parented/scapegoated.

+ 2 other brothers. One seemingly neurotypical/golden child, the other quiet (possibly lost child). Were too young to really notice or process a lot that happened when first brother and myself were young.

My main problem is frustration and the resentment of having to try to clean up their mess so that it doesn't get worse in the future, and the burden psychologically trying to understanding what happened, working through the flashbacks and doing the research, and managing my parents emotional states and trying to educate them. Trying to practise lots of self care too. Having less contact with my parents seems to be helping as it has done before, but I'm having to go through a grieving process and that brings with it some guilt as my mother will have less support. Rejecting them seems to risk making them even more abusive to my brother and blame him even more but might be the only way for me to stay sane and find myself conflicted often. Has anyone been in a similar situation and come through it? Am I enabling my brother by paying for therapy for him, or is it the best that can be done given the covid situation?

[beatricex]

Hi firstoffour,
It sounds like you have done a lot of research, and are well in tune with dysfunctional families. 

Kind of curious.  You are "first of four" but dodged the hero role?  Are you the rebel or mascot then?

I am the third of six, classic Lost child.

I escaped into books a lot as a child, they forgot my birthday once, I ran away a lot...flash forward to now.  I think I may be healthier than my adult siblings since as far as I can tell, I am the only one to seek therapy.  My Mom is the Borderline.  I don't know any men that are...wonder how that works?

If you have escaped the drama mostly and are only co-dependent and possibly a bit narcissitic at times (who isn't situationally?), congratulations.  All else can be worked on.  I believe.  You have a therapist so are well on your way.

You might be enabling a little, but let's face it.  In our situation, who wouldn't?

((first of four)


B