Need a support group

[Reree]

Our daughter is in her mid 30s and she lives with my husband and me. She is a single mom with a 3 year old daughter. She split up with her daughter's father in March after a 7-year abusive relationship. I need to learn how to respond to her frequent criticisms and hateful language. She is unhappy because she has had a series of bad relationships, most of them abusive, she has few friends, and she is living with her parents. She will not seek therapy and she will not take anti depressants. She says we need the therapy, not her. I stopped reacting to her hurtful comments and accusations but it still hurts me even though I know it is about her and not about me. I can't stand living like this but my husband and I want to be here for our granddaughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcoming you, Reree

One always has to be very careful if saying the words..."I know how you feel."  As another Grandmother, though, I can.  During all the drama we have lived through with our troubled daughter, all changed when she had her first child...a couple of years later another was born.  As we tried to deal with her BPD behaviours there was always the threat that, if she got mad enough, we could well lose contact with those little loves of our lives.  Sadly, those fears came true for us.  No matter how hard one tries, life has a way of turning out the way it turns out and so much easier to go with the flow than fight it.  I speak from years of experience.

I agree that it is YOU who has to start work on making changes and you have certainly come to the right place to get that started.  Too many times we "react" instead of responding in a way that can help in de-escalating an interaction.  Oh boy, does that take work!   How difficult to keep calm if insults, false accusations are hurled in our direction.

Actually, your daughter's suggestion that you and your husband seek therapy is not such a bad idea.  My husband and I did that a couple of times when life was getting extremely rough.  What a relief it was to talk to a professional...someone who was educated in BPD...knew where we were coming from...acted like a sounding board...inched us along towards making changes.

There is a long, hard road ahead for you but keep your eye on that precious, little grandchild.  She needs to see stability and seems she will have to see it in you.  You will be her role-model.

So now that you are here, explore all that is offered on this website.  Time-consuming?  Yes...but time-consuming in a good way.  Use this forum as a sounding board...get those hurtful feelings of yours down in print.  Won't be long before someone comes to give you a hug...let you know your story is not unique and that they share similar lives as they, too, walk on eggshells.  Keep in mind that, in return, part of our healing comes from reaching out to others to give them hugs and encouragement.

Start doing your homework then gradually put something of what you have learned into practice.  Change does not happen over-night...so don't expect it.

Glad you found us, Reree.  Hang on...and keep sharing!

Huat