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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: my ex lives across the hall and is becoming incredibly toxic with BPD traits  (Read 380 times)
bookworm18
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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 1


« on: November 12, 2020, 11:27:44 PM »

Hi, first of all thank you so much for your support. Disclaimer: this person has not been diagnosed with BPD but I have done my research and he is exhibiting clear traits of the disorder. I am not assuming he has BPD because of his toxic traits (that's problematic) but his emotional dysregulation and cycle of idealization and devaluation is consistent with the research I did. He also has shared a lot of baggage with me about past relationships that mirror his fixation on me so I know this is a pattern for him.

I am in college, and I met this guy who lives across the hall from me. We quickly became friends and he started developing feelings for me. We both became very anxious about ruining the friendship, but eventually decided to try dating. Over the course of the two weeks we were "together", he would constantly doubt himself and his feelings for me while also being excessively clingy and obsessive. He had similar moments of stress during our friendship but never this intense, so I assumed it was normal teenage hormones and cognitive dissonance. But when we dated it became much worse. He broke up with me in what seemed like the culmination of stress and build-up, but proceeded to try and get me back almost immediately after. This resulted in what has now been a few weeks of incessant messaging (to both me and my roommates) and oscillating between full withdrawal/isolation and reaching out. It reached a point where it was becoming detrimental to me and my roommates' mental health.

I am very concerned that I am doing the wrong thing and that I am hurting him more. I have always been overly empathetic and people-pleasing, which makes me vulnerable to his unintentional manipulation. He is clearly in pain, and it hurts to see that. I have tried to talk to him, and our first conversation felt more productive. It seemed like we could stay friends and he wouldn't be alone. For the vast majority of the time we have been dealing with this issue, the goal is to show him that we care about him and that we want him to seek help (he is seeing a psychiatrist currently but he told my roommate his goal was to get me back). However, I reached the end of my patience and told him to stop contacting me over the weekend. He continued to cross my boundaries and I talked to him today, and was very direct and firm about trying to end his idealization of me. The goal was to try and get him to let go and move on, because he is becoming fixated on me. During our conversation, I told him that I was going to block him on everything and that I needed him to stop contacting me. However, it didn't seem to work (he knocked on my suite's door asking for me) and I am now getting quite concerned for his mental health and my safety... which prompted the BPD research.

I am really scared that I've done the wrong thing, and that I've made everything worse. I don't want to hurt him but I feel like I let my emotions run away from me and get frustrated and angry. I did my best to keep my cool during the conversations, but he still reacted very intensely and anxiously. The article I read on this website said that I have to prioritize my health and sanity, as well as remove myself as a trigger for him. However, I live across the hall and regularly bump into him in the building (which causes me a lot of stress but probably causes him more). Is there anything I can do for him? I care about him as a friend and it really hurts to see him in pain. The problem is that I can't give him any attention or he won't get the point, but he is doing really badly. I also am feeling very guilty about the way I've handled this situation, and I feel like I should've been more patient, but my roommates and I have been very patient and tried to help him throughout this whole time ... we aren't professionals and I know that but it's difficult to not feel guilty. I'm scared that he is going to go back to SH or s*icid*al ideation... I'm way out of my depth here. I'd really appreciate any input you have and thank you so much for taking the time to read this Smiling (click to insert in post) <3
« Last Edit: November 12, 2020, 11:36:08 PM by bookworm18 » Logged
Inside
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2020, 09:37:47 AM »

I have not posted for some time, and decided to check in.  Part of growing up is realizing there will be people you cannot help.  If he is receiving psychiatric help, as described, that should be where any help comes from.  Not you, or your roommates. 

As you’ve stated your boundaries, you must enforce them.  If the college experience is beyond his capability, he must determine and acknowledge that.  Unfortunately, empathy feeds those with BPD, and is no doubt a trait that attracts them.  You must convince him that yours is limited, and that you are concentrating on academics.
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 277


« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2020, 10:17:45 AM »

I tend to agree with Inside on this one. The only thing I would think that you and your roommates would be obligated to do is reporting suicidal behavior to qualified individuals so they can help your ex if he tries to harm himself.

This is a very difficult spot to be in, and I wish you and all involved in this situation the best in the coming weeks.
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