I start to feel defensive and blamed falsely

[Depression = 72% of members]

I suppose if I was able to cut in and validate her we may not have gotten to the point where my boundary was crossed.

"nipping it in the bud"...or "handling it before the monster grows too big" (you get the analogy) is preferable.

That being said...always keep in the back of your mind your boundaries and protecting yourself.  If you get to the point where you are going to "boundary her", it is wise to state the issue without blaming her

Babe...I'm going outside to calm down.  I can't have a conversation with interruptions."

That is so much better than "with you interrupting me". 

Back to the real point we are teaching. 

The "fact of the matter" that the physics of soundwaves getting to your eardrums is not what she is interested in

Perhaps she believes that you are ignoring her... (and that sucks)  But FF thinks it is perhaps worse...most likely worse.

She likely believes that she doesn't matter to you (or whoever's attention the is trying to get)...then she gets in a "oh yeah...I'll make sure I matter to him" kinda mindset (regardless of positive or negative mattering)

 

This is tough stuff...and doesn't "come naturally"...so...re-read often.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

I suppose if I was able to cut in and validate her we may not have gotten to the point where my boundary was crossed.

"nipping it in the bud"...or "handling it before the monster grows too big" (you get the analogy) is preferable.

That being said...always keep in the back of your mind your boundaries and protecting yourself.  If you get to the point where you are going to "boundary her", it is wise to state the issue without blaming her

Babe...I'm going outside to calm down.  I can't have a conversation with interruptions."

That is so much better than "with you interrupting me". 

Back to the real point we are teaching. 

The "fact of the matter" that the physics of soundwaves getting to your eardrums is not what she is interested in

Perhaps she believes that you are ignoring her... (and that sucks)  But FF thinks it is perhaps worse...most likely worse.

She likely believes that she doesn't matter to you (or whoever's attention the is trying to get)...then she gets in a "oh yeah...I'll make sure I matter to him" kinda mindset (regardless of positive or negative mattering)

 

This is tough stuff...and doesn't "come naturally"...so...re-read often.

Best,

FF

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Any tips for shielding my emotions as she’s throwing hurtful accusations so I can avoid focusing in on that and thus keeping myself from wanting to just walk away?
Hindsight makes it easy to break down the situation, but in the moment I need to learn to deflect the missiles and see what is urging her to pull the trigger.

Deep breath...seriously.

And...might not be a bad idea to state that.

"oh babe...this is so sudden, let me catch my breath and then really listen."

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

I have been practicing and applying mindfulness over the last couple of years. I have been able to recognize when my emotions are under attack and can feel the physiological response. I will have to work harder at recognizing that and taking a deep breath or two and try to use this as a cue to insert a statement that will hopefully hit the pause button.

Then use this to try to ID what she is feeling and formulate a validating response.

Am I on the right track?

Any tips for filtering out the root of what she is feeling?

[formflier]

Taking a deep breath is always good and clearing.  Plus..it gives you time to think 

Basically..don't wait to "feel" you need a clearing breath.  Just do it.

As far as what she is "feeling"..stay broad. 

Might be safer to say "frustrated" rather than "mad" or "angry".  My wife will many times get upset at a suggestion she is mad...might not be a big deal for yours.

Trial and error. 

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

I will be cautious of how I label her being upset. I guess I’m used to it escalating so fast.

[Cat Familiar]

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