Newbie tag - BPD long distance boyfriend

[WendyW]

Hi, I'm new over here 
I'm looking for a little help. I'm a 25-year-old female graduate student, 3 years into a repeatedly physically and emotionally abusive man my age. I moved countries to live with him just to find myself in a spinning abuse cycle. Some examples included his sudden anger outbursts and actively threatening he'd jump out of our 11th floor window.
Because of this, 1.5 years ago I chose a graduate program on a different continent just to stop the abuse without ending the relationship because I really believe we are meant o be together. The abuse hasn't stopped, and every time I'm on the verge of leaving him, I'm reminded of why I love him so much and why I can't leave the one I already have baby names with.
I'm on this forum because he's been ghosting me for the past 3 weeks. It's not the first time. I've found out from instagram stories that he was in a minor car crash, for example. He's okay, but he doesn't pick up my calls or return texts because apparently I always criticize him and make him feel like dying.
Can you relate? At what point do you finally give up hope of a happy ever after? Or how can I be stronger waiting for this happy ending?
Love, Wendy

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you found us.  We are a safe place where people "get it". 


https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

I'm curious to know more about what happens when you are "on the verge" of leaving him.

What started this round of ghosting?

Best,

FF

[WendyW]

Hi,
Thank you so much for your welcome and interest. I've only ever told one trusted friend about some of my boyfriend's behavior as I tend to lie and keep it secret. So I'm just grateful.

This round of ghosting started when I told my boyfriend that my elderly grandparents were diagnosed with Covid. He started blaming them for their lack of intelligence and carelessness, without any concern about their life or well being, which I pointed out. This was the trigger. He began screaming that he's done apologizing to me for everything and I make him feel like dying, throwing verbally abusive words at me. I was grateful for the long distance because when we lived together, this usually meant that he'd stand by our 11th floor window with half his body out, or otherwise hit me.

This was 3 weeks ago. I attempt calling to no avail. No questions about my grandparents. He did inform me by text about severe anxiety and panic. I also saw the insta story about his minor car accident and ER visit. When my family - who love him very much- ask whether we've spoken today and what he's up to, I lie.

This kind of abandonment might be worse than direct abuse because I don't know how to feel. My feelings and problems are never a concern in this relationship. I don't know when or if I'll hear back - though I always do eventually when this happens.

Thank you for listening and I'll appreciate any advice and encouragement.

[formflier]

One of the many benefits of an anonymous online place like BPDFamily is that we  can be completely transparent.

I know exactly what you mean about being hesitant about revealing the true nature of a relationship to those that are not in it and haven't experienced a relationship with a disordered person.

How many ghosting episodes have gone on before?  How do they normally resolve?

I certainly don't want to give specific advice without getting to know you better.  That being said, there is some broad advice that I would like you to consider.

When someone is telling you with their words and actions that they are not able to talk to you...should you believe them?

What would you imagine is the impact if you didn't believe them and pursued?

What would you imagine is the impact if you did believe them and gave them space?

 

Hmm...you know something else I'm curious about.  What is it like for you when you are ghosted? 

Best,

FF

[WendyW]

Thank you for the encouragement!

These are really good questions. I believe it would be completely different if my boyfriend said: / -listen Wendy, I love you very much but I've been really stressed lately, so much so that I'm experiencing panic attacks. I need to take some time for myself to get my anxiety in order. I'll talk to you when I'm ready./

However, we all know this is not how it goes with BPDs. There was an outburst of anger ending with verbal abuse (due to long distance) with ghosting. All this despite the fact that my closest family is at a legitimate risk of dying and I'm alone.

In previous 3 major cases of this over the past 1.5 years, the pattern is similar and usually goes on for about 3 weeks. It always ends with most sincere apologies and promises, followed by exemplary soulmate behavior, making me remember why I fell in love with him and came to believe he's the one.

If I had the knowledge that it might go on for the rest of my life, I would likely walk away. However, I always become convinced this was the last time and he would change and I'd be happy with the man I love.

[formflier]

If I had the knowledge that it might go on for the rest of my life, I would likely walk away. However, I always become convinced this was the last time and he would change and I'd be happy with the man I love.

Interesting...can you tell me more about this?

Best,

FF

[WendyW]

You know, if someone showed you a movie of your life at its end and you could see yourself suffering abuse from your partner week after week, you might regret staying. But if the movie shows a major improvement and the good parts of your relationship becoming better week after week despite the initial struggles, you'd be glad as hell you persisted.

That's how I feel. I can't imagine going straight back to the weekly physical abuse and watching my boyfriend at the verge of suicide by jumping - as when we lived together. But with so many wonderful things in our relationship which we promised to have in forever, I keep hope.

[formflier]

But with so many wonderful things in our relationship which we promised to have in forever, I keep hope.

I'm curious to know more about these wonderful things.  Whenever you feel ready to share.

Best,

FF

[WendyW]

Thank you for asking. First, I love him for the little things - the physical touch, intellectual understanding, feeling of safety and comfort when things are good, and the utterly consuming feeling of being in love with your soulmate. Then there is the future we have imagined for ourselves, including starting a family and baby names.

However, things get more complicated from here. He seems to be my only way back to the country I have studied the language, culture and history for many years, a countrty I call home while it has very strict visa policies. I can't imagine not having this country and people in my life, which is a likely situation if we were to split. He is a direct connection with this country, language and culture, all I associate with the happiest time of my life.
Aside from this, I'm also afraid I won't find someone as capable in terms of career, finances and intelligence.

Writing this, it occurs to me this sounds like I may also be codependent.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Wendy-

Welcome to our community.  I’m really sorry for what you’re experiencing. 

If you can put aside the ideas of your BF perhaps being your “only” connection back to a culture you admire, I’m thinking there may be more vital things to address.  Things that may deal with your actual physical safety and wellbeing.  Not to mention your emotional health.

You’re admittedly in a relationship that you lie about.  Would your parents “love” him if they knew he HIT you?  Let’s address this issue.  Please.  While you’re in a physically safe place.  The ghosting is emotional abuse.

When we hide details of our relationships, it’s generally for a very good reason.  Not for a valid reason, but for a good reason (that we Justify to ourselves), and often regret later.  Your thoughts?

Finally, you state that you “don’t know how to feel”.  Many people who have characteristics of codependency draw their feelings from the actions/moods of others.  Is this in you?  Maybe take a look at this?

We HOPE for “change” in our partners.  We dream of what those beautiful future families will look like... select babies’ names and the like.  And then look at your BF, exactly as he is right now.  That IS the man who will father your future children and be your husband.  If he doesn’t enter intensive therapy.  And no, his outbursts do NOT only take place because you’re separated by distance.  Have you had a chance yet to read posts of members who live WITH or are married to their partners?  Eye opening...

How does that sit with you?  Today?

This is a safe space for real, honest reflection.  Let’s talk more.  The ghosting seems sort of minor compared with where things are, and could potentially lead for you, my friend.

Warmly,
Gems