First time here

[rockdoggz]

Hi all,
This is my first time here, so thanks for reading and letting me join the community. My background is I am 40 yo male, married to a woman whom I think has BPD. I never even considered it was BPD up until two years ago when she finally agreed to marriage counselling, and told the counsellor her mother had severe BPD. It sparked interest and I have been researching ever since. Unfortunately I cant say i have been perfect either. Recenly my drug use spiralled out of control forcing me into rehab at the start of the year. I am no clean and sober but having a far greater time tolerating my wifes flippant personality. My psychologist admitted to me recently she thought my wife had BPD from the second or third session decribing her behaviour. Now its to the point it has to change or I have to leave for myself and the kids sake. She used to hit me regularly in rage, but i put a boundary on that, but then the passive aggressive manipulative behaivour really ramped up. Anyway I do love my wife but its just such hard work being with her. I have separated on the provision she actually gets therapy. In the past she has just gone and complained about me, coming back to tell me I am a drug addict abusive narcissist and nothing is wrong with her. Well now I have addressed my problems but she is still the same and I cant take it any longer. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Apologies for the rant.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rockdoggz]

Wow such empty. Hopefully I didnt offend anyone or violate any rules.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey rockdoggz - Welcome!
Sorry you didn't get any responses.  I think Covid has had an impact in regard to volunteer participation.

Congrats on getting clean & sober!  It's understandable that dealing with BPD, from a sober perspective can be more challenging for you.  The better you take care of yourself, and manage your own emotions and health, the more equipped you will be to deal with your partner.

What are you doing to manage your own demons and stay clean & sober?  Do you have healthy ways to do that?  

Venting here was a good move.  It can feel more powerful to write things down and post them somewhere.  It's, also, good to just do some frequent personal journaling offline.  Make it private and perhaps use some word processing software that you can password protect.

My psychologist admitted to me recently she thought my wife had BPD from the second or third session describing her behavior. Now its to the point it has to change or I have to leave for myself and the kids sake. She used to hit me regularly in rage, but i put a boundary on that, but then the passive aggressive manipulative behavior really ramped up.  

Did she physically hit you, during her rages?  How did you apply a boundary?  Many times, when boundaries are enforced, a BPD person will act out more for a period of time.  The important thing is to be consistent in enforcing the boundary.

All you can do is focus on your behaviors, enforcing boundaries and managing the ways you interact and react.  There are a lot of great communication strategies that can help you.  A good place to start is with reinforcing your strategy on boundaries and perhaps on Validation/Don't Invalidate (which relates to validating feelings and never false information).  You can go to the large green band towards the top of the page and then go to the "Tools" menu.

Give some of the communication strategies a try and explore the "Workshops".  I can certainly understand that you want to do what's best for your children.  Are they exhibiting some problem behaviors?

[veganman]

  BPD is a serious and concerning mental health issue.   I hold a Master's Degree in Education and I have not even heard of this insidious behavior.   I believe that you can help you wife correct her disorder but she is needing to do much of the work as well in order to heal herself.   It must be a living hell for those who suffer from this issue.   

[rockdoggz]

Thank you all for the replies. So update. My wife has gone to see a psychologist and psychiatrist and has been diagnosed with ADHD. But theyve put her on an anti psychotic also. Will see how it pans out. I cant see ADHD at all but at least she is now getting help.

In regards to rages yes she has hit me many times. Usually when I am too drunk or unconscious to prevent her from hitting me. She used to threaten it alot but Ive been in lots of fights and no how to get out of the way. But I put a boundary on it years ago after she did it two nights in a row, in the back of the head, once while asleep the other when drunk walking away from her at her sisters wedding.

Recently though she hit my child and that was a big red flag for me. I talked to him about it and he said its happened many times before. She denies it all and minimises it. Anyway thanks for the replies. I will check out the communication stuff as I definitely need to work on that.

In regards to me staying sober I am doing NA, have a sponsor and am working the steps. I see a psychologist fornightly and a psychiatrist monthly, and did 2 months inpatient program at the start of the year. I am doing really well at the moment. My relationship is my only real stress and I run my own engineering consultancy and study a PhD full time also. Thats me in a nutshell.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Rockdoggz:
I'm glad you are continuing to work on yourself and stay sober.  That should set you up for the best outcome with your relationship with your wife and to support your son.

My wife has gone to see a psychologist and psychiatrist and has been diagnosed with ADHD. But they have put her on an anti psychotic also. Will see how it pans out. I cant see ADHD at all but at least she is now getting help. 

I'm glad she is getting treatment & I hope she continues. I have read when people have uncontrolled ADHD, they can evolve to BPD.  A diagnosis is subjective and is made by what they observe and what is shared.  If they don't observe a given behavior, and the patient keeps some issue hidden or can't admit to them, you may not get an accurate diagnosis.

Perhaps an anti-psychotic is a better drug than a stimulant.  Thinking you would hate to have her on stimulants, if they didn't give her the opposite result (agitated her instead of calmed her down)

In regards to rages yes she has hit me many times. Usually when I am too drunk or unconscious to prevent her from hitting me. . . But I put a boundary on it years ago'

Recently though she hit my child and that was a big red flag for me. I talked to him about it and he said its happened many times before. She denies it all and minimizes it.   

Her getting physically abusive is probably something you want to be diligent in managing.  You say you now have a boundary, in regard to yourself.  You might want to talk to your therapist about a plan/strategy in regard to your partner hitting your son.  You may need to check with you son periodically & keep in touch with a problem that could escalate. 

Don't get discouraged.  Change for the good takes time.  Whatever happens, it can feel good to know you did your best.