A hello and introduction.

[icxcnika]

Hello to everyone!  I stumbled across this message board, and I have been reading the threads and tips/tools.  Today, I have decided to post! 

My family believes that my mother has BPD.  While we have been aware of this possibility for years, I have only accepted it and have tried to come to terms with this within the past few years.  A healthy relationship with my long-term boyfriend coupled with a strengthening in my faith as an Orthodox Christian has allowed me to see the dysfunction in my family caused by my mother's BPD and our reaction to her outbursts. 

For so long, I was unaware that my mother's behavior was completely abnormal.  I am a rather shy and timid girl, sometimes paralyzed to make decisions for fear of my mother's judgment and rejection.  When I make healthy strides, it seems as if it sets her off.  One of my brothers is a recovering heroin addict and alcoholic.  She would provoke him to drink during his brief periods of sobriety.  Fortunately, he decided to move away, and he has limited his communication with her, maintaining his sobriety for over a year!  My other brother has not communicated with my mother for roughly 5 years.  Their cease in communication resulted from his marriage and her disapproval of his wife. 

I love my father, and I consider him one of my dearest friends.  We are very similar in nature.  Soft spoken, unconfrontational, etc.  My parents have had quite a turbulent relationship, however they have begun spending time together again after a brief period of separation.  I also love my mother, and my behavior during my college years caused her pain and suffering (as she loves to remind me).  As an Orthodox Christian, I do not believe that I can cut off all communication with her like my oldest brother chose to do.  However, as my relationship with my boyfriend is nearing engagement, I'm experiencing some outbursts from her expressing her disapproval of him.  When they are together, she is totally rude and dismissive of him.  She has dug in to his past, even to the point of contacting one of his high school ex-girlfriend's mother on Facebook.  I struggle with feeling the need to please everyone.  It is as if my interests, my friends, my boyfriend are totally irrelevant.

As I move in to this period of my life, I look forward to hearing from any of you with regard to your experiences with a BPD parent during an engagement and newly-wed period.  How do you properly love and respect your BPD parent while also properly loving and respecting your SO?  I'm also trying to prepare for seeing my mother during the forthcoming holiday season by reading relevant threads and resources on this website.  I hate conflict, and I'm not overly confident, so sticking with my independent values will be a challenge. 

Thank you for allowing me to join this community!

[zachira]

You have come to the right place as there are many people here who have a parent with BPD. My mother with BPD passed away a year ago. I understand your feelings about wanting to have a better relationship with your mother while feeling paralyzed by how she invalidates you. There are many people who  are struggling with dealing with an engagement and marriage who have posted on this board. Setting strong boundaries regarding the relationship with your mother will help even though it is challenging because she will continue to be the way she is. I found that the first boundary I had to enforce with my mother was telling her and others around her as little as possible about my life, especially about relationships whether romantic or friendships. My mother did not want any of her children to get married, and always had terrible things to say about anybody her children were dating or married to. You are taking the first steps and things will get better for you. Do read other threads on this board, particularly past ones, about challenges with engagements and marriages. You will soon hear from other members who understand about having a mother with BPD and here to help in any ways they can.

[icxcnika]

Thank you Zachira!  You mentioned, "I found that the first boundary I had to enforce with my mother was telling her and others around her as little as possible about my life, especially about relationships whether romantic or friendships."  Yes!  I have completely realized that I'm unable to share with her, as it will be used as ammunition later.  However, I'm constantly being asked, "is everything okay", "are you mad at me", "are you a robot... we always talk about the same list of things"  I try to guard myself and have cut back on the phone calls, but there isn't that much that I can talk about with her anymore, and she senses me withdrawing from her.

Thank you for the advice.  I will check out the specific threads about engagement and marriage!

[beatricex]

hi icxcnika,
My mom is also BPD'd.  We chose to elope.  Like zachira, I tell her as little as possible, to avoid the discomfort she brings me when she invalidates me.

Luckily, my husband's parents are both deceased, and so no in-laws around for my Mom to get jealous of, it works out.  My mom has interfered in all my sibling's marriages.  Two of my siblings moved to a different state early in their marriages because the non-relative spouse needed to get some distance from my Mom.

I am trying to say I know how your husband feels.  While you understand the "rules," unless he came from a similiar background he is going to be lost.  Have you explained to him what might happen?  Have you given him a chance to voice his concerns?

good luck, I hope you will post more and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

b

[Notwendy]

I struggle with feeling the need to please everyone.  It is as if my interests, my friends, my boyfriend are totally irrelevant.

I grew up feeling I had to please my mother ( and if mother wasn't happy with me neither was my father). For a pwBPD, it's hard to see their child as a separate person. They see them as extensions of themselves so you are expected to reflect this back to them. You having a mind of your own doesn't fit this picture.

I also feel it is ethically important to honor my parents. So how do you do this while still pursuing your own life goals. I suggest you speak to your pastor or minister about this as each religion, or denomination, takes its own interpretation of these Biblical principles. But here are some things to consider or ask about.

Honoring your parent may not be the same as making them happy all the time. In addition, what if your parent wants you to do something that is not ethical itself- like lie or harm someone? Are you bound to obey them regardless?

Each human being was created in the image of God. That includes you. And if you believe that God has a plan for you as an individual can you also believe that your plan is your plan, not your mother's plan?  

I ask you these questions because I also very much wanted to please my parents and gain their approval. But sometimes pleasing them meant not being my own authentic self. It also meant tolerating my mother's emotional abuse. But if I did that, then I enabled this behavior in her. Is it honoring your parent to enable them to be abusive people? Or is it honoring them to choose to not tolerate it, even if they aren't pleased about it?

I am not answering these questions as you need to work them out yourself with your religious views. This is part of you being your authentic self. You need to honor your values.

I am in contact with my mother but also keep an emotional distance. But I still speak to her, care about her and want her to be well. I would suggest you tread lightly with this as you want to maintain contact with your father who is likely enmeshed with her. But you have a future ahead of you and you have chosen who you wish to spend your life with. Your mother should not be going on social media and contacting his friends, or your friends IMHO.