Wondering what can be done on my part to reverse a break-up

[abeliever27]

Hello everyone. Feels like this is one of the last options I have left to do and ask for some insights from people who have been through this already. I've been dating my significant other for a year, she immediately told me about the BPD, she was undergoing therapy, was hospitalized prior to that once and shortly before we started going out. I didn't think much of it and read only an article or two about BPD which, I know understand, was horrible mistake on my end. Thinking that love, and simply working through bad times like in a normal relationship would work. Over the period we split up several times for a day before I would come back confused and stating that whatever it was, we should work it through and that helped. Then a longer period followed of a really great relationship so what seemed to be. I did a couple of probably unforgiving mistakes, such as texting another girl without having any intentions of ever meeting her, but we had a huge fight over it, tho we made through that day and even had one of our best times afterwards. I also have an addiction for weed and she has a diagnosed alcoholism on which we both tried working on, however I know see that going to smoke it once a week or so probably hurt her really badly and these two factors started the splitting which I had not noticed. Even tho everything seemed to be great, I noticed that for a week she acted a bit strange and after she went out with friends one night, she texted me that she is going to get hospitalized again. I tried to talk with her or come to her place but she would refuse that. That month in a hospital was horrible for both of us, she asked for space and I tried all my best to give it to her. I also quit smoking weed. We met only a few times and I just wrote her a couple of hand written letters to show support and care. After hospitalization period was over she went through a stacionar treatment for another month during which we've met just a handful amount of times. We barely talked online either altho I would see her there quite active. Not knowing what the heck was going, I was awfully confused, tried talking with her about all of this, reason with her and she would only give me very vague answers and weak arguments and if I tried to debunk that, she'd only get mad. I almost went completely mad and would've never felt such pain is possible during those few months. It seems that during that period she push-pull me, giving me expectations that we might be together someday or hangout more but at the same time would refuse to talk about any of this and meet more often. Would only write me for emotional support, call me when she wanted to have sex after which I would get kicked out of the door. Of course this had a significant toll on my mental health, I was really frustrated and angry which led to snap, I wrote her a terrible message that she should look deeply into herself or she'll never be happy, blocked her which followed by her blocking me. After coping with all of this, working through my emotions and sorting other priorities with my therapist, close friends, reading   a lot of articles, forums, guides and even silly quora Q&A's, I realized that she wasn't doing this on purpose or wasn't just a bad person to try and hurt me/use me like that for which I have completely forgive her and myself for the way she and I reacted. I started reaching out to her again, writing letters with a bunch poems and things that I worked on to improve myself, showing that I truly care about her, validating her emotions, not playing a blame game, saying that all I want is to show her care. I tried really hard to show that I don't want to change the way she feels or force her to talk to me or do anything against her will and emtotions. Altho she unblocked me on Facebook, she would never respond and blatantly ignore me. I recently sent her flowers and the florist mentioned that she cried upon receiving them, thought it was a good sign. However, since we're still colleagues (I am moving to a higher position in a week) she responded over work chat that I would stop sending her letters and flowers again. Accused me of gaslighting her, some other things and after a brief conversation she started ignoring me again. I tried really hard to validate her feelings and tell her that I'm just gonna wait and show her the support, that I expect nothing in return and I understand she might not ever want to speak with me again. In hindsight, I understand I made a couple of almost unforgiving mistakes for BPD and might screwed completely by blocking her with that message. I have a meeting scheduled with the head doctor of BPD clinic as well as another specialist to seek for their guidance and information. But I was also wondering if anyone could give me any insights through their knowledge and experience on what should I do at this point. Should I proceed with letters and occasional flowers, perhaps showing some other grandioze act from my part?  Perhaps something else I could do not to be split black for the rest of our lives? I can be patient and wait for much longer, I understand this might last for more than few months, maybe forever. Should I stop contacting her altogether? Is there any hope left that she would split me white again? I feel confused and lost again. I don't want to hurt her or myself any more than needed... Thank you everyone in advance for your answers!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

if she asked you not to send letters or flowers, dont send letters or flowers.

if shes asking for space, give it. full stop.

[abeliever27]

I kinda promised her that I would always stick by and would always show my support and love. Me stopping that could be misinterpreted as capitulating or not willing to fight for our relationship anymore. Also, I've read that if I do get painted white, she might be afraid or have guilt to contact me again. Considering this, should I stop doing it anyway? Why?

[once removed]

I kinda promised her that I would always stick by and would always show my support and love. Me stopping that could be misinterpreted as capitulating or not willing to fight for our relationship anymore.

it may mean expanding your ideas on showing love and support, especially with a difficult person.

if you were dating me, and i said "leave me alone", and you didnt, because you believed showing me love meant do the opposite of what im telling you, i wouldnt feel respected, and i wouldnt feel loved.

the simplest way to navigate this is to take some of these things at face value, and not second guess what she says or does.

[abeliever27]

it may mean expanding your ideas on showing love and support, especially with a difficult person.

if you were dating me, and i said "leave me alone", and you didnt, because you believed showing me love meant do the opposite of what im telling you, i wouldnt feel respected, and i wouldnt feel loved.

the simplest way to navigate this is to take some of these things at face value, and not second guess what she says or does.

Thank you so much for this answer. She expressed the exact same feeling and well after thinking for a while I wrote her a message that I will not contact her through letters or work Skype. However, I was thinking about this through a different perspective - if a suicidal person wants to die, we shouldn't let him. Despite the way he feels right now, right? Why shouldn't I apply the same logic to a BPD person? I don't want to leave a person in such pain and destroying relationships, it goes against all my beliefs.

Also, another thing happened - I wrote her an sms yesterday telling her that I will be by the cities Christmas tree during certain time. Today she reported me to HR (since we're colleagues). I don't know what has been said to them but from legal and moral perspective I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not afraid of anything bad she could throw at me, even if it's a restraining order. There's no legal ground to restrain me from sending a letter. I don't threaten her, I don't ask her for anything, I'm not calling her names. All I do is write silly poems, aphorizms, metaphors and whatnot. I am planning on resuming sending postal letters. From what I've read, all of this will probably just continue to push her away from me I probably reached a no return point. Perhaps not.. I am also recording a song for her in a studio (I'm somewhat of a musician). Hopefully it will be good enough to be shown on her favorite show or radio. I really don't want her to feel bad or guilty and not to write me if she does turn me white for whatever reason. Even moreso, this is something I have to do because of my beliefs and values - not to give up and fight. Once I've done everything I can, only then could I move on, I suppose... What would be your take on this? I'm honestly trying to look for answers too and the best approach to all of this.

[Skip]

OK. So the goal is to do everything possible to salvage the relationship. Got it.

There are two big items to consider first (starting point)

Even tho everything seemed to be great, I noticed that for a week she acted a bit strange and after she went out with friends one night, she texted me that she is going to get hospitalized again. I tried to talk with her or come to her place but she would refuse that. That month in a hospital was horrible for both of us, she asked for space and I tried all my best to give it to her. I also quit smoking weed. We met only a few times and I just wrote her a couple of hand written letters to show support and care. After hospitalization period was over she went through a stacionar treatment for another month during which we've met just a handful amount of times. We barely talked online either altho I would see her there quite active.

She went through (is going through) a severe mental health crisis. Her focus is on her dealing with her sanity. Think about a footballer laying on the field with a compound fracture - his focus is on himself and is well-being. Patients are takers (not givers). She may not have anything to give you right now. You wanting her affection may be asking too much. It may be pressure that she doesn't feel comfortable with.

Being in a mental health hospital is a highly vulnerable - there is often shame. Embarrassment. That may also be a factor.

What's types of different things she going through would be a good question to ask the doctor you are seeing.

She is clearly not in the "help me with my journey" mode.

Is she in the "you are part of my mental health problem" mode? Are you seeing any signs of that?

Or is she in the "I need my space" mode? Are you seeing any signs of that?

Think about this carefully.

Today she reported me to HR (since we're colleagues). I don't know what has been said to them but from legal and moral perspective I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not afraid...

This is a really big deal. She has asked a third party with authority to regulate your contact with her. Not only does this mean you sholdn't contact her, but she will look bad if she contacts you.

This is a tough dynamic and the only thing you can do is give it time to cool.

As once removed suggested, cease all contact, 100%, immediately, no exception, no last little note, nothing.  Zero.

Any advance at this point from you is just burning bridges. Any advance from her look like she raised a false alarm.

You're only good tactic right now is to wait this out. Set your calendar for six weeks to re-evaluate.

In the meantime, talk this out with members here to better understand what is up. Most likely she told you, but in a sea of conflicting messages, so you may have a hard time reading this.

You can also record your song, write more poetry - but don't send it. Do push it into a hostile environment.

If contact is going to be re-established, it is going to be baby steps. Nothing grandiose or heavy or emotional.

Make sense?

[abeliever27]

OK. So the goal is to do everything possible to salvage the relationship. Got it.

This has crossed my mind several times. Feels like me wanting to resume letters is just pouring gasoline into the fire and waiting for everything to completely burn so I can start anew.

Or is she in the "I need my space" mode? Are you seeing any signs of that?

It was this one, but it feels like after I block/unblocked her it shifted to me being a problem, the manipulator, etc. I have completely fallen in her eyes, but I could not bare all the lying at that point and her using me emotionally and physically. At that point I should've read a lot  more about BPD but I was very naive.

This is a tough dynamic and the only thing you can do is give it time to cool.

I just don't get how much more time is appropriate. I've waited for longer than 6 weeks to cool off. It's been 3 months now since that happened. Is it normal to wait for such a long period of time for her to deal with her inner self? Half a year? A year..?

I kind of understand what is up. She did indeed told me and with time things are getting back to me. All in all, it's all those irrational fears and black/white thinking. We'd be the happiest couple on this planet if it wasn't for her BPD symptoms. I feel absolutely helpless.
I understand that if I do something grandiose, we'll have to do it very slowly and whatnot, I wasn't expecting her to jump right back in.

Makes sense.. sort of. Not really. I will wait some time, those 6 weeks you've mentioned but after that I will most likely try to contact her again. One way or another. Feels like me not responding after HR would mean that she's right, I'm the baddie here. Thus she would never contact me again. I'm really lost... I'll wait it out a bit and in the meantime, read more material about this.

[abeliever27]

This is all beyond my belief. She reports me to HR, altho there is a guy who, according to her, drugged and used her. I even talked Team Leads out of transfering him to her team at some point as she mentioned she'd leave the work. She was so happy she had a job for more than year for once in her life... And she didn't report the alleged rapist, but ME. The one who did nothing but tried to show love and respect. I gave her breathing space, I gave her all my heart. Everything. And this is the way she acts... I cannot comprehend anything she does. I cannot wrap my head at all even reading through so many forums, articles and a freaking book about BPD. I just don't understand how can this be... This illness is a tragedy. Seems like she doesn't even understand what the heck is going on. I am just left to watch my loved one's life burning, watching.. helplessly. This is just horrible...

[Skip]

And she didn't report the alleged rapist, but ME. The one who did nothing but tried to show love and respect. I gave her breathing space, I gave her all my heart. Everything.

That's not the way she see's it right now.

It you want to reach her, you have to understand where she is coming from. She has told you, but as I said before, there are many mixed signals and you may need to dig down to piece it together.

It's not that you are worse than a rapist. (A) "the rapist" is probably exaggerated a bit and (B) her action was likely impulsive and based on her immediate mood. She reached for the easiest/biggest stick she could find to stop whatever discomfort she feels you are causing.

Remember. Mental health crisis. Life is distorted.

It would be a mistake to read this as a thought out action on her part. Most likely she is overreacting.

You have to let her reach baseline and that could be weeks or months away.

I understand that if I do something grandiose, we'll have to do it very slowly and whatnot, I wasn't expecting her to jump right back in.

Forget about grandiose. When your gf is high on you, grandiose is awesome. When your gf is down on you, grandiose is clingy, weak, appalling. Telling her you love her, writing poems, etc. are likely to do more harm then good right now. Save it for a time after you have reconnected and she will appreciate it.

Feels like me not responding after HR would mean that she's right, I'm the baddie here. Thus she would never contact me again. I'm really lost... I'll wait it out a bit and in the meantime, read more material about this.

Contacting HR is a checkmate move. She may have not intended that, but that is where you are.

Try it. Sit down and write 10 responses and post them. People will point out how each makes matters worse.

My suggestion would be to do some fun interesting things and talk about it and how happy you are at work. Some of this will get back to her and the message will be that you arer strong, healthy, mentally balanced.  

That will be the most attractive thing you can do (in my opinion).

Right now, space is healing.

Have you heard from HR?