BPD Only BPD with Family Member ?

[MrHT]

For some background here is a link to my last post :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347334.0

While writing my past post I noticed something about my udBPD mother.  She only seems to "rage" against my sister and I.  My sister and I are now both grown adults.  Mother would "rage" against my sister when we were younger but not so much on me.  My sister would always talk about how mom would get physical with her.  I never saw this so I am not sure if my she was lying or not.  When I was younger mom would just FOG me.  She was never got physical with me.  But when mom "snapped" she would get super angry and would basically foam at the mouth.  I could imagine her easily getting physical with someone.  My sister and I would call it "snapping" because she would go from 0-60 in no time flat.  She would only "snap" for me if I defended myself against her FOG.  And if I did she would verbally rage.

I don't remember her ever BPDing or "snapping" on anyone other than her daughter and I.  Is it normal for BPD people to only BPD against their close family members?  Mom is NC with the rest of her family.  For most other people she seems to get along fine with them.  But I have scene her drop close friends very quickly without any reason.

[Notwendy]

BPD plays itself out with the most intimate of relationships. The most intimate one is with the romantic partner, but next to that is immediate family. Why it is like that is strange but it's a disorder of attachment. The ones closest to us are also more likely to trigger fears of abandonment and so there's a push pull- "I hate you don't leave me".

Have you noticed that after your BPD mother's worst behaviors she is then super- sweet? I think this is part of the push pull dynamics.

Children can also play different roles. There can be an all good one - golden child( in her eyes) and a scapegoat child, and sometimes they can change places. I think gender has an influence as well and a female may be treated differently than a male child. It seems as if your sister was her scapgoat child.

My BPD mother has a well rehearsed public persona. It is completely fake and strange to watch her "put it on" for people outside the family. She could be raging and yelling at us, but if a neighbor walked in, change to wonderful person in an instant and then back again. So her friends and neighbors and extended family have not ever seen her like we have.

We were the children nobody believed if we tried to tell anyone what was going on inside our home and also we were not allowed to do it. My mother's issues were not to be revealed to anyone. However, now that she is elderly and has help at home, she's played out the same dysfunctional dynamics with them, and so now they know, but nobody else does.

[zachira]

You are describing what many of us experience who have a close family member with BPD: the two faced aspect of their relationships. My mother with BPD died last summer, and I have a brother with BPD, in addition to some other relatives. It is indeed sad and frustrating to be mistreated for no apparent reasons by your mother. I would say that being a child is the most difficult, as people with BPD do not see their children as separate people from them.
It is also frustrating to see your mother be nice to others, and never allow the negative face she shows to you and your sister to emerge in public. My mother and brother also drop their friends when ther relationships become too close. People with BPD seem to live with a constant fear of being seen and often abandon people to avoid being abandonned first.

[beatricex]

agree with what NonWendy and zachira said

I have 5 siblings, so my mom projected different things onto all of us.  As the oldest girl, I got a lot of my mom's traits, which she did not want to own, projected onto me.  Not sure if there is a history of abuse in your mom's family, but my mom was abused.  She split a lot of it off onto me.

When I was very young she told me inappropriate things, that a child should not have to try to understand, as it is not age appropriate.

So I was also her confidant.

I felt sorry for her a lot, and felt like I was the "parent" not yer, from a young age.

Does any of this resonate Mr HT?

b

[Notwendy]

I was also placed in the adult role from a young age and told inappropriate things as well. She would treat me as a confidant as well.

Yet I also had to be completely submissive and obedient to whatever she wanted.

This was a part of my boundaries with my parents that started a lot of family conflict. I didn't leave my children alone with my BPD mother when they were small but she was relatively harmless around them supervised. As they became adolescents they also became useful to her, as potential "servants" and confidants. I would not let that happen.

She would also like to tell my kids stories about everything I ever did wrong as a child.

[MrHT]

Much of what everyone is saying I have experience. 

There are times when she is super sweet than "snaps"  She will go from nice to "snap" if you question her (0 - 60 mph in seconds).  But she is not sweet till the next day or two.

There was the golden child and the scapegoat child.  There was the one who grow up too fast and the one who took forever to grew up.  One that was projected the physical anger.  One that was told inappropriate things and one that was all this was hidden from all that.

There are times when she shared completely inappropriate stories with the wrong people.

When I was younger I would find reasons and things to do so I would not be around her.  Avoid the FOG.  When I got older and she moved I just wouldn't go visit (which caused it to get MUCH MUCH worse).  But I could not handle going to visit.  It was way too overwhelming.

[Methuen]

I am an only child and my mom's only family within 800 miles.  She always found me when I was alone, like the time I was trapped inside the car while I was chaffeuring her.  I was married 30 years before my H witnessed my mother in one of her insane rages at me.  After that incident (long story), my H had complete clarity.

To her friends, my mom is charming, zaney, fun to be with.  For me, the story is different.

When I was a child, my mom was raging at my father in the kitchen.  Completely irrational and insane.  There was a knock at the door (the company had arrived), and she "flipped the switch" and answered the door happy and enthusiastically as if nothing had ever happened. She can "flip the switch" as the need arises, effortlessly.

My mom has always been a very social person.  She likes to be the center of attention and gets a ton of it from the crazy things she says in a group.  Her friends love her for it.

On the other hand, my mom had a 10 year falling out with her closest sister.  They were essentially tied at the hip.  Then, in middle age, they had a 10 year falling out (NC) when the sister moved far away.  Now they will talk on the phone sometimes, but it's never been the same.  Mom also had a falling out (NC) for a few years with a best lifetime friend.  Mom showed up at her house one day with a batch of fresh baked buns (which the friend loved), and the friend refused them and closed the door.

Still, she has a ton of friends, and they are all really good people, who are good to her.  

It can be mind boggling.

[Notwendy]

My mom could charm a rock, literally.


 Growing up, she always had lots of friends, dates, and my father was just smitten with her.

Now, everyone thinks she's the sweetest little old lady. I am glad she has a supportive circle of friends. But yes, sometimes she will have a falling out with someone. There are people in her extended family who don't speak to each other.

I recall once she was mad at one of her friends and the friend kept calling and she refused to answer the phone. So I suspect there is some drama sometimes.

But I know to stay away from her circle of friends, and just smile and nod when I see them.