Recently discarded - nasty break-up

[Hurtingbad88]

So I have recently been discarded by my bpd ex. Our whole relationship I have believed he is narcissistic. After our break-up, I have been taking to my therapist and lawyer and they've mentioned he shows more symptoms of borderline. Our break-up is nasty. He has a serious substance abuse problem and I had to put a restraining order on him to prevent him for trying to take our infant daughter. I'm in a really bad place right now. I miss him (even though he had a new gf 3 days after our breakup) and I'm still in protective mode over him and I don't want him to get in trouble but at the same time I have to protect my baby. I'm really going thru it and i'd love to talk to anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[once removed]

I'm really going thru it and i'd love to talk to anyone who has been in a similar situation.

youve come to the right place.

it sounds like things are really volatile right now, and youre going to need a lot of support.

it may be a good starting point to tell us more about what has happened between the two of you. what led to your breakup?

[Hurtingbad88]

So we've been friends for 10+ years. We dated the last two. The first two months we were together he was sober. He was living in a rehab bc he got a 4th dui and it was an alternative to prison. I moved him and his daughter in with me after a month. We had external factors that were an issue -- I have a crazy ex and I was in the middle of renovating a fixer upper I had bought-- so I know he wasn't the total issue. But I always knew something was off with him. I'd catch him talking to other girls and instead of him apologizing or having a conversation he would just say I'm insecure and then not talk to me for three days... AND WE LIVED TOGETHER. He rarely apologized. You couldn't call him out on anything or he'd just go crazy. Flash fwd May 2020. We have our daughter. Two weeks later he gets arrested for being drunk and trashing our house. He has to go to another rehab. 2 days after he gets released from that program he relapses. That was sept 2020. I am confident with my diagnosis that he has BPD. He has extreme childhood trauma that he's never dealt with and it's why he has a substance abuse problem-- he'll admit that much. So sept 2020 he relapses. Starts taking pills again. Well on a Xanax binge he buys his little brother a plane ticket (lil bro lives in Cali). He hadn't seen his lil bro I'm 5 years. His brothers visit triggered something. Since sept he's been on a manic episode. We broke up, he moved into a hotel, we got back together, soo many frivolous purchases, we break up, he got his own apt, we got back together, he proposed, begged me to go to the courthouse and marry him, things are great, I catch him looking at a Snapchat of a naked girl so I called him out-- not even in a wtf is that but I was calm-- whatcha looking at? He went POSTAL. said I was accusing him of cheating etc. we broke up. That was three weeks ago. I haven't spoke to him. He has a new girlfriend and is playing dad to her 4 kids and hasn't seen his own. He is in a really dark place right now. He got an attorney to get visitations with our daughter and I filed an epo on him to prevent it. His substance abuse problem is way too serious for him to seriously think he is in a good place to raise an infant. So with his prior arrest record he's looking at potentially going to prison. I'm just sick about all of it. I always thought he was a narcissist but since our most recent breakup my lawyer actually told me he sounds borderline and I've done my research and he totally is. I can't lie I I miss him. Even with everything going on I find myself still devastated that it's over, wanting him back, but I also know he doesn't need our daughter right now and I have to protect her. He has a kid from a previous relationship and her mom isn't letting him see their kid either because she knows he's going thru it. I am seeing a therapist but I refuse to give up hope that maybe all of this will force him to get help and be a happy healthy adult. Maybe down the toad we'd be able to have a relationship again but I also know I deserve to be treated with respect etc. I'm so mind f'd right now

[once removed]

theres a real substance abuse problem, for sure.

i imagine that would inhibit parenting, let alone a relationship.

you are trying to balance a number of difficult things...you are open to getting back together, but committed to the breakup, for now at least, and the two of you also share a child. i encourage you to get ongoing support in navigating this rocky road...theres a lot of hurt right now, and you want to think in long terms about navigating it all.

did the restraining order go through?

[Hurtingbad88]

Yes, the restraining order went thru. We have court next week my attorney wants to push for a domestic violence ordinance. If that goes thru, me ex who will be in violation of his terms of probation for an old burglary charge and is looking at prison. I didn't file the EPO to get back on him for getting a new girlfriend. I did it to keep my daughter away from him. I go thru a range of motions everyday. I know I am doing the right thing for my daughter. Right now I'm not missing him and I have peace in our breakup. But I can bet 6 hours from now I'll be crying in my bedroom thinking about how bad I miss him.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar with my ex. He also has a severe substance abuse problem with periods of sobriety followed by relapses. Mine was violent towards me and I initially had to get a PO and keep my son away from him.

Just because you made the (good) choice to protect yourself and your daughter from his behavior doesn't mean you won't grieve the relationship, and that is okay.

I found that I had to grieve for the relationship that I had hoped we would have. I really wanted him to get help and for us to be able to be a family, but in my case, he didn't. It would take serious commitment to address his substance abuse, his unresolved trauma, and his mental health issues, and my ex refuses to accept that.

I know you hope for the best for your ex, especially since he is your daughter's father. Just know that any consequences he is facing now are results of his own choices, and any changes in him will also have to be his own choices. You are doing the right thing by setting boundaries that protect you and your child.

Therapy was instrumental in helping me through the breakup. I found out that I can be okay regardless of what my ex does or doesn't do. It does get easier, hang in there.

[Hurtingbad88]

Thank you so much. I really struggle with knowing I'm doing the right thing versus still feeling the need to protect him. You're right, the choice to get better is his and like your ex, it's not one he is choosing. Letting go of the future idea that he will get better and someone else will get that healthy and healed version of him is hard. It's also hard because I know I will have to see him again someday and we will have to talk. It really does help having the support of my family and friends but I have found talking to strangers like you all is more helpful because you have insight that a lot of my internal support group do not, as they have not lived it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[B53]

I’m sorry you are going through all this. Use your support systems, there are people who are there for you.