Suicide

Just spent the night with my BPD, ha ha a night, that doesn’t work, years but tonight was special. Told my spouse that he had to get a therapist that I was no longer willing to be that. Nor was I willing to be scared all the time. The night did not end well. I was shoved down on a bed with to hands pressed down on my face to the point of not being able to breathe. I kicked him off of me and tried to leave the house and was pounded up against the for and then held from behind until I told him I was going to start screaming as loud as I could. He let go and I went outside in the snow not to call the police like should have but to call his daughter for help. Herd noises from the house, went back in to my husband trying to cut his throat so grabbed the many knives he had and took them to my neighbors house who called 911. The kitchen was covered in blood.
I did not tell the police that he was physically and emotionally abusing me I still wanted to get him help. I knew that if he goes to jail he will not survive.
The point to telling this story is he had discovered an online support group and it was his new obsession, the commiserating with other BPD suffered sent him spiraling and now nothing will ever be us again. Support groups are supposed to help... they are not a substitute for a BPD therapist. I pray he gets one. Now at age 66 I have to figure out how to live a life. I have no idea how to do. It has been spent in 8 years of chaos and fear. My children are done they can not watch this anymore. I hope his kids really realize how serious this illness is. And yes he’s all of the good things too, generous, etc. but that doesn’t take away the abuse.



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