Tighten up the communication agreement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello Everyone,
Sorry I haven't been actively lately, I know I have to respond to a lot of my old threads.  I do have a quick question for all the people who have communication problems.  Our custody order states that we need to communicate through OFW and phones for emergency use only.  Lately I've been getting "emergency" text messages just to state how bad of a parent I am.  Our custody order indicates that we need to check emails every 24 hours however my attorney wants to move this to 72 hours as we are planning to file a contempt for the non stop.  The emails/text messages are really getting to me emotionally especially ones at night and then I can't fall asleep.  We need to provide a solution to the contempt petition and my attorney stated having longer time periods between emails may work and it may trigger the exbpd.  Any ideas?

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
Sorry I haven't been actively lately, I know I have to respond to a lot of my old threads.  I do have a quick question for all the people who have communication problems.  Our custody order states that we need to communicate through OFW and phones for emergency use only.  Lately I've been getting "emergency" text messages just to state how bad of a parent I am.  Our custody order indicates that we need to check emails every 24 hours however my attorney wants to move this to 72 hours as we are planning to file a contempt for the non stop.  The emails/text messages are really getting to me emotionally especially ones at night and then I can't fall asleep.  We need to provide a solution to the contempt petition and my attorney stated having longer time periods between emails may work and it may trigger the exbpd.  Any ideas?

[CoherentMoose]

Is there anyone else who could monitor the phone in case a "real" emergency comes up?  Self care is important, and getting good sleep is one of the fundamentals of self care.  In my case, I have to get sleep or I make really bad decisions.  So I mitigate everything that impacts me getting good sleep.  The other option is to turn the phone off and take the chance you'll miss an emergency.  Getting good sleep is likely worth the risk of a missed emergency.  Good luck.  CoMo

[Newyoungfather]

I don't have anyone that can monitor my phone.  We are thinking that a contempt petition may scare her from doing things further.

[zachira]

Is it possible to define what constitutes an emergency and limit her contacting you only under the defined emergency situations? Also, I don't believe she has the right to harrass you with all kinds of blind accusations. Can you also get defined what is acceptable communication and what is forbidden?

[GaGrl]

I see the texts containing nothing but arrangements clearly to be in violation of your agreement. If she is to communicate only via OFW with phone only in case of emergency, texts are not considered enough on their own, and they are disruptive.

Can you have your lawyer talk to her lawyer about text usage, and that if it continues, you will file contempt charges to include new communication guidelines? Will she listen to her lawyer?

[Newyoungfather]

Actually we held her in contempt about 3 years ago for the non stop harassing text messages and we settled without going to trial on OFW.  This has been re occurring ever since our separation.  I stopped counting at almost 150 unwarranted emails and text messages.  I don't think contacting her attorney will do anything as her attorney is the bully type of attorney and thinks her clients are angels. We tried that route before and her attorney just blows us off. Quite frankly we have a good history of winning against OP when it comes down to a trial.  I don't mind texts that are in regards to my son, those I can handle, I can't take the text messages sent at almost midnight demanding if I don't do the dishes in my kitchen sink than she will file a report that my son is living in a uninhabitable house.  (I have a drying rack in my sink and I think my son told his mom my sink is overflowing with dishes)  She has a very sad way of twisting the facts, almost every week I get emails on OFW of how bad of a job parenting I am doing.  (I took my son to the supermarket to get food during covid and I am subjecting him to a deadly disease and said if I further my actions then she will have to contact her attorney)  I almost replied that if she wants to put together my shopping list and pay for my groceries to be delivered as well with everything else we buy in stores than she can pay for it,  I never sent her that reply I don't want to play her games.
I know I asked this so many times but why is she soo fixated on making my life miserable.

[zachira]

You are wondering why she is so fixated on making your life miserable. Are you familiar with Bill Eddy's work on dealing with high conflict people? I have found his books and info on the web very helpful in understanding why my disordered family members seem to always be looking for revenge when cooperating would just make so much more sense. It may help to think of her as being the opposite of you, whereas you are looking for peace and solutions, she is only interested in antagonizing you and others who don't do what she wants. I believe that high conflict people are very unhappy deep down inside and need a target to inflict their misery upon.

[GaGrl]

Oh, okay...if you've gone the contempt route before, then your position needs to stay strong.

As to why she does it, you are the target of displaced emotion. She doesn't know what to do with her emotions, and she can't endanger her current relationship, so she targets you.

Don't play that game.

[mart555]

Doesn't matter what you do she'll likely keep doing it, no?  What can family court punish her with? A slap on the wrist?

She's likely trying to keep controlling you.  Did you try simply ignoring the text messages?  Not easy at first but she may eventually stop when she realizes that it doesn't provoke anything.  Same for OFW, keep it to a minimum. Doesn't require a respond? I'd ignore it. 

One of her key goal on earth is to now make your life miserable and the only way you can win at that game is if you don't play,.

[defogging]

I would go one step further and call her bluff.  If my ex sent me messages like that I would reply with "Please go ahead and file a report that I have dirty dishes in my sink".  or "Please go ahead and file a report that I took my kid shopping".  You didn't violate any law with those actions, and if she filed a report it'd likely get dismissed as nonsense. 

My ex sent a fake restraining order to my family at the beginning of our divorce, there were a lot of crazy accusations in it.  My lawyer suspected she was told by her attorney that she doesn't have enough evidence to get a real one, so she resorted to sending something to other people.  It ended up looking bad for her instead of me.

I have called my ex's bluff on a few things over the last year.  She has tried to maintain control over my household in various ways, and a few times I told her that if she doesn't like something I'm doing she's free to contact her attorney about it.  The issue either goes away completely or I only hear about it through the kids.  And, she tries to control me less now.

[worriedStepmom]

Our parenting plan also requires the use of a parenting app.  When the barrage of phone calls and texts didn't stop, we blocked H's ex on both of our phones. 

We had to weigh knowing about an emergency immediately versus stopping the harassment, and stopping the harassment won.

You should follow through on the contempt count.  Then you can either make the parenting plan say that she can't ever contact you via text/phone OR specifically give guidance as to which situations are okay for text/phone...and then be prepared to file contempt charges every month after that when she doesn't abide by it.

And never ever ever ever respond to text messages from her.