How to approach Romantic partner about their BPD.

[Bay Area]

So I'm new here.  I've read "Stop walking on eggshells" 4 x per the recommendation of a therapist.  My wife has 8 of the 9 BP traits.  She is intensely defensive and attacks.  Defend attack defend attack is the daily cycle.  It is nauseating.  I'm scared to death to approach the topic of BP with her.  I'm curious if there is a soft landing approach anyone has used with a spouse/romantic partner that was successful in getting them to look internally at themselves without having to threaten divorce or leaving them.  The financial cost of divorcing is too much for me to bear.  Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

in general, it is advised not to confront a romantic partner or family member with the notion that you think they have bpd.

there are members here, for whom it has worked initially, with mixed results thereafter.

its likely really a matter of "you know her best", in terms of how the message would be received, but if the two of you are in daily conflict...

what is she defensive and attacking about?