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Author Topic: Moving on to a new relationship  (Read 480 times)
14

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« on: December 09, 2020, 04:31:15 PM »

Hi all,
I'm in the final stages of a divorce after a 18 year marriage to a woman with probable BPD. I'm moving on with my life and becoming involved in a new relationship and I'm finding it challenging to let go of all of the patterns that I developed to avoid conflict with my BPD ex-wife. I'm finding it difficult to find trust and avoid feeling anxious in the new relationship. Wondering if this is a common experience.
Thanks in advance!
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Goosey
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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2020, 06:01:31 PM »

Lot of self reflection on our behavior may be a good thing.
And of course that allows us to observe calmly how ourselves are being treated.
And if it’s clear truth then it’s a go.
Good for you. I ain’t close to that level yet and in no rush but happiness is a good thing.
Trust is earned but we have to allow others to earn it.
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2020, 06:36:36 PM »

Hi 14!

Definitely. Definitely. Definitely.

You spent over 18 years of your life with someone who made a relationship difficult. That became your normal. You adapted your communication style. Your brain still thinks it’s in the old relationship.

I spent only 3.5 years with my exPWBPD and 1.5 years out of the relationship I still struggle with this. Our brains will rewire.
 
Have you had conversations with your current partner about what you have been experiencing?
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
14

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2020, 12:32:30 AM »

Thank you all for your thoughts. Yes, I have started discussing my experiences of living with a BPD spouse with my new partner. I think it has helped her to understand my range of emotions. It has been very surprising to me to find that I’m the excessively emotional person so far in my new relationship. While I have started sharing the details of my past experiences and trauma, I feel like I need to be careful how much I share all at once since it seems like it could be an overwhelming amount of information for my new partner to take in. How have others worked through sharing their past experiences with new partners?
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Rev
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2020, 02:53:17 AM »

Thank you all for your thoughts. Yes, I have started discussing my experiences of living with a BPD spouse with my new partner. I think it has helped her to understand my range of emotions. It has been very surprising to me to find that I’m the excessively emotional person so far in my new relationship. While I have started sharing the details of my past experiences and trauma, I feel like I need to be careful how much I share all at once since it seems like it could be an overwhelming amount of information for my new partner to take in. How have others worked through sharing their past experiences with new partners?

Hey 14

So yeah... I've had experience and my current partner knows my ex as well.  I was with my ex for a total of five years.  It's been said somewhere that a rule of thumb is one month for every year to grieve and to deprogram. I can't remember where I heard this - but somehow it seems like a good barometer.

The particular challenge in changing patterns is that it's one thing to develop new habits, but there is also the lag time for them to take root. A life coach I know believes that it takes 100 days of concerted effort for a new habit that changes the course of your life to really take root.

So what experience do I have to share?

You will need strategies to identify moments of tension when they arise. And when something does come up that feels like PTSD (and it will happen), take the time to "mark it and park it" so that when the moment passes, take time un-pack what happened in you and seek her help in clarifying her intentions so that you can rationally understand that your emotional reaction was related to something in the past so the you can begin to respond differently in the present.  There's a element of "fake it until you make it" in this - in that your behavioral response may not immediately match up with your emotional response, but eventually you get there.

There are other things of course, but that's a start.

Let me know about how this lands for you and if it makes sense and if you want, I have other things.

Hang in there.  It gets easier as you put the effort in.

Rev
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14

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 5


« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2020, 08:16:20 AM »

Hey Rev,
That’s excellent advice, and exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to get from this group. From reading other posts, I see lots of folks commenting about how incredibly helpful it is to have found this community. I feel the same way. I’m making notes of all of the recommendations along the way and will continue to do so. So... if you have other thoughts, I’d definitely be interested to hear them.
Thanks again!
« Last Edit: February 16, 2021, 06:28:11 PM by Cat Familiar, Reason: Edited for confidentiality » Logged
Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2020, 09:09:01 AM »

Hey Rev,
That’s excellent advice, and exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to get from this group. From reading other posts, I see lots of folks commenting about how incredibly helpful it is to have found this community. I feel the same way. I’m making notes of all of the recommendations along the way and will continue to do so. So... if you have other thoughts, I’d definitely be interested to hear them.
Thanks again!
Kier

K - so here is one guiding principle and one technique that my current partner and I employ.   

1) Here is a paradox about human communication that becomes problematic during times of high stress and PTSD type symptoms.    A)  I will most likely judge the quality of my communication by my intentions, not how it lands with the other person. In other words, if my timing is off, lets say, and I say something out of love but it comes out wrong because the other person heard it differently (because my timing was off), under stress or PTSD I will be more likely to think there is something wrong with the other person - that or I will simply recoil in self defense. Because of the stress, I have trouble sitting in the ambiguous place where clarity is found (ummm... okay... that didn't land... I didn't mean it...can we try again?"  B) I will most likely judge the intentions of someone else by the way what they say makes me feel.  Again, the same issues around seeking clarity apply.

2)  The technique that joins up with that is this - when this would arise (18 months later, it happens far, far less) we sit in the same place in the apartment to unpack the conversation.  Same chairs every time.  This is not a place of debate. This is a place of clarity. We anticipate that this will be a good experience for us - but that like going to the gym, there might be some heavy lifting and so we go slow so that no one pulls a muscle.  We know that going in, what we are looking to do is learn to love each other better, not through transactions (I do this, you do that) but by being sincerely interested in making our intentions known AND appreciating the intentions of the other. We NEVER do this in the bedroom. In fact, there have been a couple of occasions where we've actually gotten out of bed to finish conversations.

In 18 months we've had plenty of differences of opinion, we've hurt each other's feelings even.  But we've only had 1 real fight and we've never had to have make up sex - which I now understand is not all it's cracked up to be (make up sex, that is).  My lord did I ever have lots of make up sex with my BPD ex.

In the end, for men in particular I would say, it's not a question of developing new communication skills, so much as deepening the ones we already have. Chances are you will discover that you have more than you think, only that they don't run so deep - that or they got shut down because of the difficulty in living in a disordered relationship.  I know that this last sentence is a bit of a leap in interpretation and that your story is unique in itself (because people and relationships are like snowflakes - generally the same, but the details... they're unique and so important)  So take all of this and make it your own.

Hope this helps.

Rev

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« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2020, 04:50:35 AM »

when youve been in a marriage for 18 years, rest assured, the dating world around you has changed.

thats over half my life, ive never been married, and ive seen the dating world change significantly in just the last decade.

it will be an adjustment, for sure.

Excerpt
While I have started sharing the details of my past experiences and trauma, I feel like I need to be careful how much I share all at once since it seems like it could be an overwhelming amount of information for my new partner to take in.

i think that this is a reasonable concern.

thinking tends to be that sharing can be a part of openness and honesty, as well as a part of bonding.

i find that people, in general, do not like to feel like they are involved in or competing with a previous relationship. it comes up here, frequently. at the same time, there is something to be said for not moving too quickly, communicating "i like you, but i need a slow pace/im not ready".

how long have the two of you been seeing each other? tell us more about how these things have come up.

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
14

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 5


« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2020, 08:48:45 AM »

This group is really amazing. As I’m sure all of our are, my story is long and complex. One of the core issues in my relationship with my BPD ex was that she perceived me as having time and ambition to have career success and success and joy in friendships and activities outside of work while she was stifled in life being a mother to our children. In my perspective, I’ve been a very heavily involved father (which our teenage daughter’s confirm) and pretty much nothing I ever did outside of the marriage (work, hobbies, etc) were done without huge anxiety about how she would react to me doing my own thing. It just became the norm to only halfway enjoy personal activities because I was always worried about how things would go when I got home. I always felt rushed and would even fly home from trips early for that reason. Anything I did outside of the marriage would eventually be used against me (going to a few concerts a year, taking time to exercise outside of the house, etc).

There’s a lot more to the story and I can elaborate in future posts, but that anxiety about being separate seems to be my biggest current issue in my new relationship. I have now been dating my new GF for 9 months and it has been fantastic overall. This relationship began immediately after I moved out from the family home, but the marriage had been over for over a year and my BPD ex was already dating too. My new GF has been very understanding and I have gradually opened up to her about my experience (even though I’m holding back a bit, she routinely tells me that I’m the best communicator that she’s ever dated). I find myself stressed when we are apart. I really enjoy my alone time, but I’m not used to being alone without feeling stressed about it. I also find myself feeling anxious when she is with friends. She has given me no reason to feel this way. I think it’s rooted in infidelity from my BPD ex (a story that I can tell in a future post). This is slowly getting better and is important work for me to do, since I definitely know that it’s important for each partner in a relationship to have independence and independent time and relationships.
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« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2020, 12:46:03 PM »

14,

I can identify with how you're feeling and the things you're currently struggling with. I was married to a woman diagnosed with BPD (and a whole host of other disorders) for 6 years, and we have a child together. Even though our divorce occurred nearly 6 years ago, I have to deal with my ex-wife frequently because of our child (I have primary custody). She is very difficult to deal with and still causes a lot of stress in my life due to her disorders. I did not find out about her BPD diagnosis until after we had been divorced for over 2 years. It was revealed to me by a forensic psychologist in a very lengthy report. Her mental health issues dated all the way back to early childhood. When our child was born, these issues and disorders came out in full force, and it was very frightening.

Just over 3.5 years after my divorce, I started dating my neighbor's daughter who I have known for over 20 years. We never really knew each other well, but there was always a mutual attraction there between us, which was revealed in the very early stages of our relationship. She was in the final stages of a divorce at the time and was very open and upfront about her personal and emotional issues. I sympathized with her and felt more comfortable with that because my ex-wife hid all of her mental health issues from me until after we were married. I thought this relationship would be different than it was with my ex-wife. I was wrong. There was lots of push/pull behavior with her throughout the relationship, but she always told me that it was due to her issues and had nothing to do with me. She rarely followed through with anything she started, has considerable debt, and an unstable work history.   Long story short, after about 5 months of her pressuring me to marry her, she abruptly discarded me. I explained that I loved her dearly but stated that she needed to address her emotional issues first (even admitted that I had things I needed to work on myself).  In a matter of days, she was right back with the rebound guy she was sleeping with right after she left her husband. She dumped this guy to start dating me, and I didn't find out about him until after she and I had been together for close to 2 months.  I went no contact with her shortly after and didn't speak to her for 5 months. Then I started getting blips from her over social media in September even though I had unfriended her, followed by a couple of phone text messages in October, and even a quick  in person visit last month when she was at her parent's house visiting. I never really gave her the time of day either time hoping she'd get the message. During our relationship, I always thought that the love and support that I gave her would aid her in fixing her issues. I was wrong on that one as well.

I don't mean to highjack your thread, but I told you all of that above to tell you this. I got so severely depressed following the breakup with my ex-g/f that I entered therapy. Like my ex-wife, my therapist believes my ex-g/f also suffers from BPD but probably not as severe as my ex-wife. These two relationships have taken their toll on me, but I am becoming more self-aware, and I'm working on not being so much of a rescuer going forward (codependency). While I was in the relationship with my ex-g/f, I had issues of my own due to my marriage with my ex-wife sort of like what you're experiencing. It really took a toll on my self-confidence, and I was (and still am to a degree) hypervigilant waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. So, all of the issues in my new relationship with my ex-g/f weren't all because of her. I had/have issues as well and did not set appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

I've been out of the relationship with my ex-g/f for nearly 8 months now. I realize everyone progresses at different paces, but I still don't feel like I'm ready to date at this time until I do more work on myself. Through my own therapy and self-reflection, one of the things I've learned is this: You can't move forward with a new relationship and be successful at it unless you completely close the door on any past relationships and address issues within yourself. I'm gently offering that as a suggestion to you. I wish you all of the best on your journey.
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Goosey
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 375


« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2020, 05:40:58 AM »

One of these threads had the statement of the theory that it takes a month of deprograming/rewiring for every year of being in a high conflict relationship.
  So true it seems.
I was scrambled eggs just a few months ago. Still a bit mental (haha) but I haven’t googled “suicide” in a long time.
  I am out of the woods and I don’t “pine” over the loss. I bat down my occasional internal lies of how “good” we had it. We didn’t. 
  Yesterday out of the blue my “ex” emailed one line. 
“Lol happy anniversary”. 
I actually laughed. I emailed back “lol ditto” and wished her well and safety.  It felt normal, it felt ok. 
 Passing time is the best medicine. 
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14

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 5


« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2021, 06:13:01 PM »

Hey Rev,
That’s excellent advice, and exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to get from this group. From reading other posts, I see lots of folks commenting about how incredibly helpful it is to have found this community. I feel the same way. I’m making notes of all of the recommendations along the way and will continue to do so. So... if you have other thoughts, I’d definitely be interested to hear them.
Thanks again!
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