We’re divorcing and for some reason I don’t want to. What do I do.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’ve spent four weeks away. I’ve been working on myself trying to become more independent and stronger. Today in therapy she told me she was done. And for the first time ever I actually believe her. I’m heartbroken. I want this to work so badly. I’ve fought for three years for this to work. How do I reverse this breakup? How to I get by in and commitment to get this relationship to a place where it’s healthy? Her therapist told her that going through a divorce would be less painful than the relationship we have. I want to call and text her but I feel desperate. Really unsure if this is a game but I feel like she’s really serious this time. How do I get things back?

[Spam591]

I’ve spent four weeks away. I’ve been working on myself trying to become more independent and stronger. Today in therapy she told me she was done. And for the first time ever I actually believe her. I’m heartbroken. I want this to work so badly. I’ve fought for three years for this to work. How do I reverse this breakup? How to I get by in and commitment to get this relationship to a place where it’s healthy? Her therapist told her that going through a divorce would be less painful than the relationship we have. I want to call and text her but I feel desperate. Really unsure if this is a game but I feel like she’s really serious this time. How do I get things back?

[Goosey]

No good advise.
Maybe do everything opposite what I did but somehow came through the fog.
Eat. Sleep. Be kind to yourself. 
Don’t chase. It will be what will be.
If bpd it’s beyond your control.
Realize it’s ok to blurt out negative statements to no one for a couple years.  I can say that in jest. It’s a war zone with no disrespect to actual war veterans.

[Spam591]

No good advise.
Maybe do everything opposite what I did but somehow came through the fog.
Eat. Sleep. Be kind to yourself. 
Don’t chase. It will be what will be.
If bpd it’s beyond your control.
Realize it’s ok to blurt out negative statements to no one for a couple years.  I can say that in jest. It’s a war zone with no disrespect to actual war veterans.

What did you do?

I’m so caught off guard. She told me in therapy a week before how committed she was. How she wants to change out toxic communication. I was excited. Super excited at that point. We got in a minor argument yesterday. She hung up and blocked me as always. I didn’t chase. Then today in therapy she told me we were done. I’ve never heard her like this. I’m confused if this is manipulation or genuine being done. I’ve been in my home out of state for a few weeks to take space and keep safe. We haven’t spoken much. She legit said in therapy today that “she doesn’t even know me anymore”

 does taking space make things worse?

Does no contact make the heart grow fonder with a BPD or do the opposite?

[Goosey]

I advise you to read “the book”. It was shockingly eerie when I finally had a copy mailed to me by a concerned sibling.
Phrases and actions I experienced are All in there.
“Stop walking on eggshells”. 
  Best advise I can give you.
I read it after it was “over” in my 20 plus year marriage.
But it made my me understand a lot.
And showed me the things I was doing to try to save us maybe made it worse.
Or maybe it just didn’t matter.
 I wish all involved the best. That’s I can do in my situation and it beats anger hands down.

[once removed]

the most important thing is not to over react...in a way that she sees.

as devastated as you are, cry, vent here, do whatever you need to do (seriously, lean as hard as you ever have on your support system). but you are wise not to chase, not to argue, not to cling.

take a deep breath, and fill us in a bit more.

what led up to you going away for four weeks? why did she hang up and block you? did she elaborate beyond "she doesnt even know you anymore"?

the more we have a clear sense of what she has said, the more we can help.

hang in there.

[Spam591]

the most important thing is not to over react...in a way that she sees.

as devastated as you are, cry, vent here, do whatever you need to do (seriously, lean as hard as you ever have on your support system). but you are wise not to chase, not to argue, not to cling.

take a deep breath, and fill us in a bit more.

what led up to you going away for four weeks? why did she hang up and block you? did she elaborate beyond "she doesnt even know you anymore"?

the more we have a clear sense of what she has said, the more we can help.

hang in there.

Thank you for the response. It means a tremendous amount.

I left for four weeks because she started to become violent again. She would scream and our building manager lives next door and sends her texts. She broke a door. I didn’t feel safe and I left. She will scream when she doesn’t want to hear me say anything. Quite manipulative.

I came back to LA to work as my business suffers every time I’m gone. I come home and she says she loves me. I’m assuming she doesn’t want a divorce now... We spent last night like nothing had happened. But I have a ton of trust issues now with her.

Is their a correlation between BPD and feeling loved with money? Or is this just another unique complex layer to my situation? Today  She was asking how much I give my ex wife per month. I said “Less than what I agreed to in court.” She demanded to see my accounts. I don’t trust her in any capacity with money. I said “absolutely not” this was all over the phone. I was upstairs in the bath. She hangs up, runs up stairs, kicks the door in. Completely ruins a custom $1k door. I don’t even say a word. I’m so numb to this behavior these days. I get dressed and spent all day at the beach just doing self care. Come home an hour ago. She is now giving me the silent treatment.

Why are they like this. Why can’t she say “I was really upset. I needed this. And I shouldn’t have gotten violent.” Just to hear one sentence of accountability would help me want to be with her.

[Cat Familiar]

For many reasons, it’s hard for a pwBPD to take responsibility for their behavior, and much easier to blame it on their partner.

One of the reasons is they have an unstable sense of self, as you’ve seen with the wanting the divorce/everything back to normal behavior.

Also there’s usually a tremendous amount of shame and self loathing that is easier to project outside of themselves than to come to acceptance.

Have you seen this short video? https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Spam591]

For many reasons, it’s hard for a pwBPD to take responsibility for their behavior, and much easier to blame it on their partner.

One of the reasons is they have an unstable sense of self, as you’ve seen with the wanting the divorce/everything back to normal behavior.

Also there’s usually a tremendous amount of shame and self loathing that is easier to project outside of themselves than to come to acceptance.

Have you seen this short video? https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I just watched that. Very informative. I came back home and have a very clear head and have been using I statements and being empathetic. Last night was extremely violent. I sleep on the couch upstairs because she will ambush me emotionally when I sleep. I was sleeping and our rooftop is accessed through the loft where my couch is. She was making a ton of noise. I asked her to please allow me to sleep. This set her off. She took my phone charger and I had just been woken up and needed to plug it in. I asked for it back and she said no. She brings it downstairs and plugs her phone in. I feel very violated and like my space isn’t respected. I come down ten minutes later and take my charger back. As I’m walking up the stairs she threw a glass at my head. It bounces off my head and hits the stairs and shatters. I am surprising calm. And state that behavior is completely bs and unacceptable. She starts walking towards me stating she is going to the rooftop. I state no and that I don’t feel safe and this is my safe spot and if she keeps advancing I’m going to defend myself. She grabs a knife and proceeds to swing it at me. I back off and just allow my boundaries to be crossed yet again while feeling insanely unsafe. I’ve always just left the house at the advice of my therapist.  She uses screaming and violence to get me to leave now as a manipulation tactic.anytime she doesn’t want to speak she screams at the top of her lungs. If I continue to try she gets violent. I’ve stopped pushing for talks.  I’ve been trying to stick my ground. She comes down and wakes me up once again being loud. I try to calmly state how I don’t feel safe and how it’s insanely inconsiderate. She screams bloody murder form the bottom of the stairs. Our building manager sends a text saying he’s had enough threatening eviction. I legitimately didn’t do a single thing this time.

This morning she texts me asking me to come down and be intimate. I text back saying after what happened I feel unsafe and I need some reassurance. She states “you’re
Safe”. I text back and say I don’t trust a two word response  and I need a deeper in person convo about how out of line last night was. She ignores me. I go downstairs 30 minutes later to leave. I again say “I need to have a deeper convo about saftey and what happened last night. She pushes me three times as I’m just standing there with a blank face showing no emotion and states “you’re in my space now. I don’t feel safe. See how do you like it”. She was stating I put my hands on her last night I didn’t even come close. I didn’t even yell. I was calm and skillful. At this point i think she’s a super sick girl and delusional. She then grabs a candle stick and try’s to hit me with it and I push her away from me. Quickly grab the keys and get out.

Later this morning I have her Instagram pass and noticed she logged into mine last night. So this morning I login to hers. I told myself I wouldn’t unless she crossed that line with me. Low and behold she had sent a text to her friend with a profile of a guy she went to highschool with. Then she states “I don’t know why I’m not sleeping with him Instead of my husband”. I feel like this is just the icing and every time over found anything like this there is always more. I call her out via phone and she gets immediately defensive and states how I do this and that. Which I haven’t. Recently she has become addicted to aderall and stopped taking her Derr’s soon/anxiety meds. She states constantly now how she’s blossoming into a woman and outgrowing us. And how amazing she is doing in school. In my opinion using school to ignore what’s happening.

My hands are tied. She seems to not care. I don’t want to continue to support this person financially. My boundaries are not respected. If I leave I’m accused of cheating. When I leave things tend to get more and more distant and makes things worse. If I attempt to reconcile  I’m unsafe. I’m so confused. No accountability. I’m always wrong. Feels like she just doesn’t care anymore but is sticking around for the financial support. 

[Cat Familiar]

You’re in a very dangerous position with her. Very often men are the ones who get blamed for violent behavior, even though they’re the victims, not the initiators.

The MOSAIC method is a risk assessment about domestic violence https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172  Please take it and report your score.

In the meantime, do you have any plan should she become violent with you again?

I’m going to move your thread to a different group, where there are more members who’ve dealt with these very difficult and complex issues.

[ForeverDad]

About your wishes for the marriage to recover... It's not grounded in reality.  Wishes and promises are intangibles, disappearing whenever the rants and rages flare up.  Even if she did seek and persist with meaningful therapy, no one can promise the future.

Here is some perspective on what the future may hold.  Her point was that it is not wise to promise too much, the future will take care of itself.

One of our most prolific posters some 5-10 years ago was JoannaK.  In a few of her posts she made an observation that meshes well with your comments.  She wrote that if persons do work to attain some recovery then they would not be the same persons as before and there was a real possibility the relationship would not survive, one or both had changed that much.

Cat Familiar is so right, you are at extreme risk of experiencing the wrong end of a police visit or a clueless domestic court hearing.  I myself have "been there, done that" — fortunately for me when I called the police I was holding my quietly whimpering 3yo preschooler when the officer instructed me to hand him over to his mother and "step away".  My son shrieked and clung tighter to me.  He unknowingly saved me from getting carted away, as my lawyer later told me when describing what happens to men when police handle domestic disputes.

Where are you in my own time line of events of my crumbling marriage back then?  In my final months before the marriage literally imploded.  It might get better, briefly, only if you acquiesce and retreat back to prior appeasing patterns.  It's not a solution, it will get worse again, sooner than later.

Accept "what is", not what you wish.  I know, we all know, you just can't give up.  Sadly, family court won't give you credit for "trying hard".  You can't fix her.  Court won't even try to fix her.  Court deals with people as they are, something you'll have to do too.  Meanwhile, a truism here is... The person who is behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.  Not fair but that's the reality, more or less.

By then I was recording because I was terrified she would claim (blame shifting) that I was the raging and aggressive person.  Some are fearful to record, worried about its legality.  Frankly, I don't recall any member here who got in trouble for recording during a domestic dispute.  Of course, don't egg on things by waving a recorder or phone in the person's face.  I did it quietly and on the down low.  My perspective is "I'm recording myself to document I'm not the one raging or aggressive.  If someone else is raging and gets recorded, oh well..."

[Spam591]

About your wishes for the marriage to recover... It's not grounded in reality.  Wishes and promises are intangibles, disappearing whenever the rants and rages flare up.  Even if she did seek and persist with meaningful therapy, no one can promise the future.


Cat Familiar is so right, you are at extreme risk of experiencing the wrong end of a police visit or a clueless domestic court hearing.  I myself have "been there, done that" — fortunately for me when I called the police I was holding my quietly whimpering 3yo preschooler when the officer instructed me to hand him over to his mother and "step away".  My son shrieked and clung tighter to me.  He unknowingly saved me from getting carted away, as my lawyer later told me when describing what happens to men when police handle domestic disputes.

Where are you in my own time line of events of my crumbling marriage back then?  In my final months before the marriage literally imploded.  It might get better, briefly, only if you acquiesce and retreat back to prior appeasing patterns.  It's not a solution, it will get worse again, sooner than later.

Accept "what is", not what you wish.  I know, we all know, you just can't give up.  Sadly, family court won't give you credit for "trying hard".  You can't fix her.  Court won't even try to fix her.  Court deals with people as they are, something you'll have to do too.  Meanwhile, a truism here is... The person who is behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.  Not fair but that's the reality, more or less.

By then I was recording because I was terrified she would claim (blame shifting) that I was the raging and aggressive person.  Some are fearful to record, worried about its legality.  Frankly, I don't recall any member here who got in trouble for recording during a domestic dispute.  Of course, don't egg on things by waving a recorder or phone in the person's face.  I did it quietly and on the down low.  My perspective is "I'm recording myself to document I'm not the one raging or aggressive.  If someone else is raging and gets recorded, oh well..."

Thank you all for the responses and concern. Things were violent again yesterday. I did absolutely nothing. And I got some clarity on what’s happening.

I had 150 aderall from a prescription I had a few years back in the house. 6 weeks ago I noticed she had moved the pill bottle into our medicine cabinet into a spot I had it sorta hidden. We both have never had any issues with drugs or alcohol addiction. Everything clicked this morning. When I saw her move them six weeks ago I moved them back to my spot and she called and asked why. About 3 weeks ago when i wasn’t home she called and said she was using them for school and asked if i could get more. I thought this was odd but didn’t think much of it. Then when I came home this last week I noticed she was staying up super late. Usually she wakes up early. She has been insanely violent as I’ve mentioned. I started sleeping at my office and this morning I snuck in the house and grabbed the bottle to dispose of them. There were only 13 left! That means she is taking 2-4 per day. These are 30mg! Holy cow! This all makes so much sense of why she has been so erratic and violent and staying up all night.

I spoke with my therapist and just consulted with a divorce attorney. I’m really really scared of making the move but I think for my physical and mental health safety I need to get out of this. Maybe we can date after. I just care for her so much. Part of my codependency is to take care of her which I’m trying to stop.

[MeandThee29]

I spoke with my therapist and just consulted with a divorce attorney. I’m really really scared of making the move but I think for my physical and mental health safety I need to get out of this. Maybe we can date after. I just care for her so much. Part of my codependency is to take care of her which I’m trying to stop.

There you go. Sad to say, you need to look out for yourself from here on out. That is a hard transition.

I was still sometimes in denial at the beginning of the divorce process. My ex initiated it, but I was half-in-half out, depending on the day. So I asked my attorney if people ever stopped the process or remarried afterwards. He had kind smile, but told me that a few of his clients had, but in cases similar to mine, most found out what their spouse truly was made of all along.

That was so very right. By the end, we took a few short-term things that cost me but would have tied me to him. It just wanted out (no custody issues). I still got a good settlement long-term.

[CoherentMoose]

Wow.  Find a way to stay away from the crazy for a while, especially since the meds are about to run out.  Practice self care.  Eat healthy, exercise, get good sleep.  Please read Stop Waking on Eggshells.  It was an eye-opener for me and helps frame some of the behaviors you're seeing.  Lean on the good folks in here as many of them have walked a similar path and provide good advice.  Finally, be very careful with any and all interactions with your spouse.  Especially physical interaction.  Assume anything you say or do will be used against you.  Good luck.  Como

[Spam591]

Wow.  Find a way to stay away from the crazy for a while, especially since the meds are about to run out.  Practice self care.  Eat healthy, exercise, get good sleep.  Please read Stop Waking on Eggshells.  It was an eye-opener for me and helps frame some of the behaviors you're seeing.  Lean on the good folks in here as many of them have walked a similar path and provide good advice.  Finally, be very careful with any and all interactions with your spouse.  Especially physical interaction.  Assume anything you say or do will be used against you.  Good luck.  Como

What about filling a divorce? My dream would be to build a healthy marriage and have a great life together. She shuts down and goes into survival mode if I have any issues with the marriage. That causes me to just hold a bunch in to keep the peace and I build resentment and get angry. I don’t blame her for acting out of survival because she doesn’t want to face her childhood trauma. However, I don’t see her having healthy relationships due to this. It sucks im always going to be the guy that “abused” her in her head and that’s the story the next guy is going to get when especially lately I’ve tried to be caring and gentle when she is behaving violently.

Have any of you actually filed and gone through with it. I’m curious how she is going to react? My intent is to actually leave and not use it as a control. But I’m super scared to leave this and I really don’t want to. Which makes me feel terrible inside because I’m allowing myself to be treated this way. Maybe a month or so from finalizing we can date. I don’t trust her and I have a lot on the line financially.

[Spam591]

There you go. Sad to say, you need to look out for yourself from here on out. That is a hard transition.

I was still sometimes in denial at the beginning of the divorce process. My ex initiated it, but I was half-in-half out, depending on the day. So I asked my attorney if people ever stopped the process or remarried afterwards. He had kind smile, but told me that a few of his clients had, but in cases similar to mine, most found out what their spouse truly was made of all along.

That was so very right. By the end, we took a few short-term things that cost me but would have tied me to him. It just wanted out (no custody issues). I still got a good settlement long-term.

How long did it take you to feel good about the decision? We’re you happy to get away? I feel like it might feel freeing to not have to deal with the daily fighting and trauma. Codependency aside, I have such a deep love for her and I understand her really terrible childhood trauma is causing this. She’s a good person and has so much love to give when she feels secure and not in survival mode.

[kells76]

Hey Spam591, member stolencrumbs has gone through some similar situations. You can search for his posts when you search by member.

These comments reminded me of aspects of his story:

I don’t blame her for acting out of survival because she doesn’t want to face her childhood trauma.

It sucks im always going to be the guy that “abused” her in her head and that’s the story the next guy is going to get when especially lately I’ve tried to be caring and gentle when she is behaving violently.

My intent is to actually leave and not use it as a control. But I’m super scared to leave this and I really don’t want to.

I understand her really terrible childhood trauma is causing this. She’s a good person and has so much love to give when she feels secure and not in survival mode.

Members here have walked this path before and are at all stages on it. You're truly not alone, and I encourage you to read some folks' stories to get a sense for what has happened, may happen, often happens, etc.

Cheers;

kells76

[CoherentMoose]

What about filling a divorce? My dream would be to build a healthy marriage and have a great life together.

Separation and divorce is a process.  The final decision doesn't have to be made immediately.  We all have that dream of building and maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.  Doing so with a BPD partner creates some significant, maybe even impossible, challenges to overcome.  Maybe you can be one of the fortunate ones where things work out.   

My suggestion is to find some space away from the crazy (and the FOG) to let your emotions settle out from the pressure cooker so you can honestly evaluate the situation you are in and at least develop a plan forward.  What concerns me the most is the physical violence.  That is not good.   There is more that one story in here of people who spent jail time for things they did not do.  It is impossible to relax and be yourself if you are always if fight or flight emotional condition.  Carve out some "me time" if you can manage it.  Eat well, exercise, get good sleep.  CoMo

[MeandThee29]

How long did it take you to feel good about the decision? We’re you happy to get away? I feel like it might feel freeing to not have to deal with the daily fighting and trauma. Codependency aside, I have such a deep love for her and I understand her really terrible childhood trauma is causing this. She’s a good person and has so much love to give when she feels secure and not in survival mode.

About 3/4 of the way into the divorce process, it was going all kinds of crazy. And I was done. A month later, I told my attorney "threaten court," and we did. They signed. It was final almost a year ago.

Do I still miss him? Of course. It's been a slow heal because he treated closeout like he treated the divorce. He tried to bully and manipulate and implement his own version of the law. But now I expect that. Hopefully it will be finished one of these days. Closeout should have taken 4-6 weeks. LOL. Nope.

[ForeverDad]

Have any of you actually filed and gone through with it. I’m curious how she is going to react? My intent is to actually leave and not use it as a control. But I’m super scared to leave this and I really don’t want to. Which makes me feel terrible inside because I’m allowing myself to be treated this way. Maybe a month or so from finalizing we can date. I don’t trust her and I have a lot on the line financially.

Do you see how active this Family Law board is?  While surely many members don't end up here, of those who do come here out of desperation or whatever, most do end up divorcing.  Just as people with BPD (pwBPD) have all-or-nothing perceptions, so are our choices... all-or-nothing typically means the relationship has to permanently end.  While you could soothe her that you might end up dating afterward, the reality is that you probably can't maintain a "sort of" dating relationship.

Maybe you don't understand our perspective now since you're in the thick of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) but for we who divorce a BPD, it typically can take a year or two.  By the time it's finished you'll very likely have modified your outlook.

Fortunately, you don't share children and so that immense realm of custody and parenting conflict doesn't apply in your case.

How might she react?  Like you and me and a myriad others, she is a person, and will have her own variety of responses.  She might rage that you disposed of the last of your pills and demand you fix it for her.  Or she might sweet talk you trying to convince you to request more drugs and illegally gift them to her.  Here is an observation I've repeated to many in your situation...  If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, then it WILL happen, given enough time.  She has already thrown items at you, kicked in doors, caused damage... it will only get worse.  Beware of Gifting her more opportunity to harm you.

Wow.  Find a way to stay away from the crazy for a while, especially since the meds are about to run out.  Practice self care.  Eat healthy, exercise, get good sleep.  Please read Stop Waking on Eggshells.  It was an eye-opener for me and helps frame some of the behaviors you're seeing.  Lean on the good folks in here as many of them have walked a similar path and provide good advice.  Finally, be very careful with any and all interactions with your spouse.  Especially physical interaction.  Assume anything you say or do will be used against you.

Your choice of a lawyer will be important.  Not just any lawyer will do.  You need more than a forms filer and a hand holder.  You need someone proactive and experienced.  Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?

[Spam591]

Do you see how active this Family Law board is?  While surely many members don't end up here, of those who do come here out of desperation or whatever, most do end up divorcing.  Just as people with BPD (pwBPD) have all-or-nothing perceptions, so are our choices... all-or-nothing typically means the relationship has to permanently end.  While you could soothe her that you might end up dating afterward, the reality is that you probably can't maintain a "sort of" dating relationship.

Maybe you don't understand our perspective now since you're in the thick of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) but for we who divorce a BPD, it typically can take a year or two.  By the time it's finished you'll very likely have modified your outlook.

Fortunately, you don't share children and so that immense realm of custody and parenting conflict doesn't apply in your case.

How might she react?  Like you and me and a myriad others, she is a person, and will have her own variety of responses.  She might rage that you disposed of the last of your pills and demand you fix it for her.  Or she might sweet talk you trying to convince you to request more drugs and illegally gift them to her.  Here is an observation I've repeated to many in your situation...  If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, then it WILL happen, given enough time.  She has already thrown items at you, kicked in doors, caused damage... it will only get worse.  Beware of Gifting her more opportunity to harm you.

Your choice of a lawyer will be important.  Not just any lawyer will do.  You need more than a forms filer and a hand holder.  You need someone proactive and experienced.  Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?

Umm hey guys! I am absolutely frightened!  Look at these texts she just sent me. We had sex the other day like I mentioned. I  asked her to delete and block a guy she was following that she said she wanted to have sex with. That’s when she got angry and threw a glass at me. And now she is saying I sexually assaulted her! Like what the!

Her texts just now:

If I'm being honest I feel like you sexually assaulted me yesterday
I told you not to f me yet because I didn't want to and had pain
And you f’d me anyway and it hurt really bad and then felt good physically
so I went along with it
But I said no
And you pushed me into the bed
And then afterword treated me like PLEASE READ
I’m still processing that.
I’m scared of you

I didn’t do a single thing and I’m so freaked out rn. Like so freaked out. I have never even come close to anything like this. What do I do?

[ForeverDad]

A few things...

Whatever else, don't apologize for what she claimed.  In other words, don't validate her claims.  Never ever.  Maybe she now knows you tossed your meds she's been taking and is striking out.  Who knows, perhaps you'll never be sure what triggered her?  However, we did warn you it would somehow get worse.

That doesn't mean you can't mollify her.  For example, you could address her texts with an approach like "I'm sorry you feel that way."  You can address her feelings while not actually validating her accusations.  As are most pwBPD, she is a feeling person.  It's just so hard for us reasonably normal people to effectively handle their (counter-intuitive for us) feelings.

Also, you could then ask, volunteer or offer to pause the relationship.  One thing I learned when I was divorcing was that my ex's lawyer tried to frame me as a nefarious controller.  He started by asking whether I was bigger than her.  Um, clearly I was, I was 10 inches taller than her too.  (Duh.  Typical lawyer tactic, imply size = abuse.  Did that mean our preschooler should have been afraid of his parents simply because they were larger than him?)  Anyway, he then asked, "Do you want her back?"  You and I and so many other "I'll never give up trying" spouses would want to say, Yes.  Fortunately I instead answered, "No, not the way she is."  Bam!  I crushed his attempt to paint her as a victim and me as a controller or controlling abuser.  Her lawyer moved on.

Let me be frank.  In your mind and heart you'll have to accept there will be No More Intimacy.  At least for the foreseeable future.  Her communication just nixed that.  Don't hint, suggest or try again.  The only alternative is for her to clearly withdraw her accusation.  PwBPD are predictably unpredictable, she might swing into an opposite mood.  However, a vague "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it.  She spelled out her claim.  She would have to unspell it out.  And not just in a text where your phone could break (or be broken/missing) or the text be deleted at some point in the future.

Others may see things differently or identify alternative ways to handle this.

[Spam591]

A few things...

Whatever else, don't apologize for what she claimed.  In other words, don't validate her claims.  Never ever.  Maybe she now knows you tossed your meds she's been taking and is striking out.  Who knows, perhaps you'll never be sure what triggered her?  However, we did warn you it would somehow get worse.

That doesn't mean you can't mollify her.  For example, you could address her texts with an approach like "I'm sorry you feel that way."  You can address her feelings while not actually validating her accusations.  As are most pwBPD, she is a feeling person.  It's just so hard for us reasonably normal people to effectively handle their (counter-intuitive for us) feelings.

Also, you could then ask, volunteer or offer to pause the relationship.  One thing I learned when I was divorcing was that my ex's lawyer tried to frame me as a nefarious controller.  He started by asking whether I was bigger than her.  Um, clearly I was, I was 10 inches taller than her too.  (Duh.  Typical lawyer tactic, imply size = abuse.  Did that mean our preschooler should have been afraid of his parents simply because they were larger than him?)  Anyway, he then asked, "Do you want her back?"  You and I and so many other "I'll never give up trying" spouses would want to say, Yes.  Fortunately I instead answered, "No, not the way she is."  Bam!  I crushed his attempt to paint her as a victim and me as a controller or controlling abuser.  Her lawyer moved on.

Let me be frank.  In your mind and heart you'll have to accept there will be No More Intimacy.  At least for the foreseeable future.  Her communication just nixed that.  Don't hint, suggest or try again.  The only alternative is for her to clearly withdraw her accusation.  PwBPD are predictably unpredictable, she might swing into an opposite mood.  However, a vague "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it.  She spelled out her claim.  She would have to unspell it out.  And not just in a text where your phone could break (or be broken/missing) or the text be deleted at some point in the future.

Others may see things differently or identify alternative ways to handle this.

I agree completely. It’s going to take a tremendous amount of unwinding for me to be able to trust her again after that accusation. I’m at a loss for words.

I just checked bumble and sure enough she is there. She’s also following a ton of new guys on Instagram. Sounds like she means it when she says she wants a divorce. I guess this might be an opportunity for me to escape this.

Her EX bf hit me up randomly last week and i decided to respond tonight because he said she sent him a text a few weeks back. We chatted for an hour. Eerily similar stories. Like actually pretty frightening and very sad. Sounds like if there is one little hint of me leaving it sends her into a tailspin. And then if I try to fix things she feels engulfed. Which leaves me with zero options. The only option I have is to accept this and just take it at face value and move along I guess.

[MeandThee29]

I agree completely. It’s going to take a tremendous amount of unwinding for me to be able to trust her again after that accusation. I’m at a loss for words.

I just checked bumble and sure enough she is there. She’s also following a ton of new guys on Instagram. Sounds like she means it when she says she wants a divorce. I guess this might be an opportunity for me to escape this.

Her EX bf hit me up randomly last week and i decided to respond tonight because he said she sent him a text a few weeks back. We chatted for an hour. Eerily similar stories. Like actually pretty frightening and very sad. Sounds like if there is one little hint of me leaving it sends her into a tailspin. And then if I try to fix things she feels engulfed. Which leaves me with zero options. The only option I have is to accept this and just take it at face value and move along I guess.

It's just what a friend of mine calls "stinkin thinkin." Of course you have your own problems, but some people's problems are just so deep and far-reaching that you can't be around them.

When I hit my "it's over" point, I gave up on trying to make sense of it and just focused on getting the divorce done. At signing, my attorney said that it was "memorable and unprecedented" in his long career. When closeout went all kinds of crazy, my attorney and I just shook our heads and kept going. A specialist we hired in closeout said she had never encountered anything like it in over forty years in the field. His attorney was emailing mine that he felt so sorry for me and couldn't believe how expensive it had gotten.

What can I say. It had to be.

[Spam591]

It's just what a friend of mine calls "stinkin thinkin." Of course you have your own problems, but some people's problems are just so deep and far-reaching that you can't be around them.

When I hit my "it's over" point, I gave up on trying to make sense of it and just focused on getting the divorce done. At signing, my attorney said that it was "memorable and unprecedented" in his long career. When closeout went all kinds of crazy, my attorney and I just shook our heads and kept going. A specialist we hired in closeout said she had never encountered anything like it in over forty years in the field. His attorney was emailing mine that he felt so sorry for me and couldn't believe how expensive it had gotten.

What can I say. It had to be.

That's wild! I am slightly worried with the new allegation that this is going to be a difficult road ahead. I'm hoping since we have been married less than 3 years and since I have a prenup (although not a very good one) that this goes by extremely quickly.

I feel hurt that EVERY move I make is wrong when I deeply care for this person and have no ill intentions and my intention is to see her have a happy and stable life. She thinks I was violent this weekend and that my behavior was unacceptable. I have the entire three-to-four incidents on tape,  standing there not even saying much, just watching her have a complete meltdown breaking everything. I thought maybe she doesn't want to admit it was her because she is pissed at me. It's just so wild that even with solid video of her having a complete meltdown and breaking everything, coming at me with a knife, throwing glasses and her huge glass bong at me while I'm standing there calm that I was the aggressor.

Her best gay male friend and her mom agree with everything that she says and now they won't even be cordial with me. Her best friend male friend has directly told me in the past that my wife has cut him off for months at a time and is afraid of that happening again. I have extreme frustration towards him and have voiced that to him which now he is peeping in her ear how "bad" I am. Ive straight up said to him that if you are truly her best friend then why are you not calling it for what it is instead of agreeing with everything she says. And if she cuts you off for months at a time then is she really your friend...From what I have picked up on he is jealous of me and her.

Meeting with an attorney at 10AM today. Please wish me a future filled with stability, sanity and a quick divorce!

[MeandThee29]

I am slightly worried with the new allegation that this is going to be a difficult road ahead. I'm hoping since we have been married less than 3 years and since I have a prenup (although not a very good one) that this goes by extremely quickly.

Meeting with an attorney at 10AM today. Please wish me a future filled with stability, sanity and a quick divorce!

Yes, I do wish you well.

The uncertainty was really hard to face because my finances were a mess, and I was only working part-time when it started. My ex assured me that it would be quick-and-easy. Ah, nope. The desire to manipulate and control was just too great, and he drove both legal teams crazy. His attorney talked about quitting in every phone call in those last months. I can only imagine what my ex spent because he picked one of the most expensive ones around with a reputation for running up the bills. My bills were painful, but about average for this area. Mine had an associate do the documents and wrote off a lot. Of late, most of the work has been done by my attorney's paralegal, so I went from thousands a month at times down to a few hundred. As far as we know, my ex dropped his attorney sometime over the summer, so he's representing himself now. That has been interesting.

[Spam591]

My meeting at 10 with my attorney went well. She said it should be really easy because of the prenup and the allegations are nothing to worry about.

I broke down and tried calling her about 6-8 times over the last four hours. She just ignored my calls. Why can’t we just talk for ten minutes. I need closure.

[Goosey]

The urge to “clear the air” is a powerful one. And one that will get you no relief. Most likely no reply.
I stopped doing it by just imagining the satisfaction it probably gave.
  But it is powerful. Still is.
My “ex” actually emailed me an innocent comment about the tv show she was watching.
 I typed a couple responses and erased.
“For who? For what? I kept telling myself.
It’s hard for me to fight off depression. I loved my wife and was satisfied being married. It was my “purpose”. And it went to crap swiftly and violently. I don’t know what the future holds... do we really ever.

[Goosey]

Ya I got word my “ex” was on a hook up site.
I just reminded myself what my therapist told me. Always assume everything is a lie.
I was of course accused of “cheating” and for added humiliation, of incest.
  But now I get innocuous comments about tv  shows!
Life never ceases to amaze.
 Good news is I met people on job sites everyday. And I guess as long as you don’t get to close they all seem very pleasant.
Guess the key is to use the one month per year trick I read here somewhere. I’ll be cured in about another year haha.

[MeandThee29]

I broke down and tried calling her about 6-8 times over the last four hours. She just ignored my calls. Why can’t we just talk for ten minutes. I need closure.

FWIW, you may never get closure, but you may get some clarity in the divorce process. I sure did.

[ForeverDad]

Closure.  Something else I forgot to mention.  My typical observation is...

In your first post you mentioned you sought closure.  Sadly, you probably can't get that from her.

What did we here in peer support do?  Gift yourself closure.  Let Go.  Move On.

True, it's horrendously difficult.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  There's a bright side.  Once you are through the process and out the other side, you will have all your future before you and life won't feel as troubling then as you feel now.

And beware of repeated calls.  What if she then claims you're harassing her?  In everyday usage harassment means you're bothering someone, in legal terminology with court looming harassment is huge.  You have to take a step back.  Gift yourself closure.  Let Go.  Move On.