I've come so far with understanding - yet I continue to struggle

[bpdmom99]

Hey - it's been a few years since I've posted.  My 19 yr old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD since she was 15.  We have definitely gone through many horrific experiences together (which I don't have to have to name), and she has been in DBT treatment for a few years now. DBT treatment is so valuable!

As much as I understand, validate her and have learned to not take attacks personally ... I have realized that the trauma of our relationship together still effects me on a regular basis. 

The thing that is most difficult is that she is fully aware of how 'abusive' (her term) she has been to me.  That it is 'because of her' (her wording) that I need to seek out support and guidance.  And I witness that all of that understanding just heaps on to her already negative self-talk and self-worth.  That she sees how much I struggle, and that makes her feel worse about herself.  And when I take care of my self (which I actively focus on, since I know it's vital) - it causes her additional pain because she sees that I wouldn't have to be focusing on this the same way if it 'wasn't for how abusive she has been and is to me' (once again, her words).

This is one of the most difficult cycles to interrupt in this whole journey, I feel.  I am pained watching the added pain that my daughter feels watching me in pain... and the cycle continues.

How have you worked with this phenomenon?  I have come to accept that this is a factor of supporting someone with BPD whom you love.  And in reality it is a factor for those with BPD that they are confronted with the effect of their mental illness on those around them as well.

Does this make sense?  How have you come to live with this challenge?  Is there anyway to make it more helpful for everyone instead of so hurtful?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi bpdmom99,
hi, and welcome back

I think a lot of us struggle and flail around with this.  I do this with my Mom.  I don't want to make a big statement and "disown" her.  I also don't feel at times it is healthy for us to continue to interact, and in partciular, she still has the ability to hurt me.  I want the relationship to kind of drift away, sort of like with a friend who you find you have not very much in common.

She tries so hard to connect and to connect regularly with me, and I don't always feel like responding.  I have to honor my feelings in this.  However, I need to maintain enough contact that I don't set off the abandonment alarm bells in her head.  It's tricky.

I do always have in the back of my mind that I don't trust her.  It's a fact, I don't she's Borderline and doesn't deserve my trust, she's broken it so many times I can't count.  Somtimes I think of the saying "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer"  when I find myself responding but it doesn't really feel genuiune.

All of this to say...it's OK to take a break.

 

b

[Lollypop]

Hi there bpdmom!

I feel for you, I really do. Marvellous news your daughter is engaging with Dbt!

The thing that is most difficult is that she is fully aware of how 'abusive' (her term) she has been to me.  

It seems she is feeling very guilty. She loves you and she hurts when you hurt.

That it is 'because of her' (her wording) that I need to seek out support and guidance

Yes, you are hurting and you sensibly seek out support. This is demonstrating to her how a responsible adult takes care of themselves. I think this  is a valuable lesson for her to see.

Her view is that she’s the cause. The truth is that she isn’t responsible for how you react to her. The problem is yours and you are “owning” it and seeking help. Getting the balance right between showing confidence and strength whilst opening ourselves by showing we are vulnerable is a tricky thing. I think this is where the problem lies right now. At 19, my DS just wouldn’t have had the emotional maturity and what he needed most (and what I didn’t provide...can you feel my guilt here?) is steadying. When I wobbled, he wobbled.

This is one of the most difficult cycles to interrupt in this whole journey, I feel.  I am pained watching the added pain that my daughter feels watching me in pain... and the cycle continues.

One day your daughter hopefully will feel a lot less guilty as she matures and accepts her limitations. Right now, she’s really judging herself and giving herself a hard time. I wonder if you can nudge her thinking along by demonstrating behaviours you would like to see in her. She can be more gentle with herself...a good lesson to learn? That she can be confident that, whilst you do have problems (and that’s life!), you’ll be OK because you’re working them out...that the bpd situation has been a catalyst to change for the better. Trying to become more stoic, I don’t mean less emotional, but I do mean stronger and more resilient in the face of problems and, yes, it can be done with a smile and good humour.

Remembering, we can’t change others but we can change how we react to them in the hope they “warm” to other ways of thinking. You can re-write this situation through humour to lighten things.

How’s your support going...are you seeing progress and feeling better about yourself?  I mention this to perhaps widen you’re reflection of your current situation. Perhaps your daughter can see but not verbalise her concerns; her feelings = truth.

LP

[PearlsBefore]

The self-loathing is one of the most difficult things to handle; how to be stern yet not throw them over the edge. I've certainly had successes, but I've also had failures.

One thing that might help her shift her focus on the fact you're in counselling on how to deal with her is if you referenced some unrelated chatter from your therapy/support that it felt so good to get off your chest. "Today he asked me about Grandma and whether she was neurotic, and I realized, wow, do you remember the way she...I never realized I needed to tell a professional about that, but I feel so much better now". It lets her think that some portion of the "good" that comes to you from these supports is not necessarily "because of her wrongdoing", but that now you just coincidentally get help from those people on unrelated issues.

I've tried DBT/CBT tactics to little effect (most people on here rave about how excellent they are, so you're in good company and I'm the outlying factor) - but it's definitely a great sign that they're helping. From other caregivers with other dBPDs I know in reality, it's not short-term; the benefits remain and the "tricks" continue to work