I knew it was going to happen, but I feel numb seeing it...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I was with my ex bpd girlfriend for 6 years, not consecutively as we recycled 7 or 8 times as is common sadly and I wish I had never have tried so hard to make something work that obviously never would. 

We have been broken up for the last time for 6 months now, I don't know how many people she has "dated" during this time.  We have seen each other or spoken on the phone or texted a little here and there and we have hooked up, or been intimate again 3 or 4 times, the last 3 times within the last 2-3 weeks, during this time she said she was "dating" a guy from out of state, for some reason it makes no sense, as there are plenty of guys in the cities around us within 30 minutes.  She had been seeing him and hooked up with me 3 times while she was seeing him.  She said he was stupid and short and a long distance relationship wouldn't work and she was going to just date other people instead.  He has 3 kids, which she doesn't like kids, has been divorced once or twice, at 35, and he lives with his mom...I don't get it.

She posted a picture of them on instagram tonight saying how happy she was...how is she happy after she was so derogatory towards him and had sex with me 3 times, 1 time being on his birthday apparently?  What is going on?  It was quite jarring to see the picture I guess through all the recycles this is the first one I have seen, and it felt like we were okay, she wasn't hating me anymore she was texting, flirting, seeing me, and of course we were being "intimate" or whatever bpd people are.

This picture was even posed like some of our first pictures we ever posted which is creepy to say the least.  She is also, from what she said to me, still hooking up with her ex husband, some women, and probably other guys too, who knows. I guess I am having cognitive dissonance because all of these actions do not vibe with one another.  And yes I know I should be happy to be in the clear from her, and I am, but for my own sanity I need some feedback on what the heck you all make of this, it is just confounding.   Sorry if this was a little scattered I am still in a bit of a fog from all of this. 

Appreciate all the kindness and support, more than you know.

[KarmasReal]

Hi all,

I was with my ex bpd girlfriend for 6 years, not consecutively as we recycled 7 or 8 times as is common sadly and I wish I had never have tried so hard to make something work that obviously never would. 

We have been broken up for the last time for 6 months now, I don't know how many people she has "dated" during this time.  We have seen each other or spoken on the phone or texted a little here and there and we have hooked up, or been intimate again 3 or 4 times, the last 3 times within the last 2-3 weeks, during this time she said she was "dating" a guy from out of state, for some reason it makes no sense, as there are plenty of guys in the cities around us within 30 minutes.  She had been seeing him and hooked up with me 3 times while she was seeing him.  She said he was stupid and short and a long distance relationship wouldn't work and she was going to just date other people instead.  He has 3 kids, which she doesn't like kids, has been divorced once or twice, at 35, and he lives with his mom...I don't get it.

She posted a picture of them on instagram tonight saying how happy she was...how is she happy after she was so derogatory towards him and had sex with me 3 times, 1 time being on his birthday apparently?  What is going on?  It was quite jarring to see the picture I guess through all the recycles this is the first one I have seen, and it felt like we were okay, she wasn't hating me anymore she was texting, flirting, seeing me, and of course we were being "intimate" or whatever bpd people are.

This picture was even posed like some of our first pictures we ever posted which is creepy to say the least.  She is also, from what she said to me, still hooking up with her ex husband, some women, and probably other guys too, who knows. I guess I am having cognitive dissonance because all of these actions do not vibe with one another.  And yes I know I should be happy to be in the clear from her, and I am, but for my own sanity I need some feedback on what the heck you all make of this, it is just confounding.   Sorry if this was a little scattered I am still in a bit of a fog from all of this. 

Appreciate all the kindness and support, more than you know.

[Rev]

Hi all,

I was with my ex bpd girlfriend for 6 years, not consecutively as we recycled 7 or 8 times as is common sadly and I wish I had never have tried so hard to make something work that obviously never would. 


Appreciate all the kindness and support, more than you know.

Hey Karma,

With all the love and kindness I can offer, because your story, our stories, are always full of regret, I'd like to offer this vision for you.

You see the part of your post that I quoted?  And to do you see the part that I omitted?

What would it mean for you to move from your regret (we all have it and yes, it can be full of hurt), and replace the middle portion with self-forgiveness and self-compassion?

If I were in your situation (and I was - and still am by times) that's where I would focus my efforts. You won't heal by figuring herself out.  You won't heal by figuring yourself out even. You will heal when you stop doing those things for a while.  And then... in time... you'll get to a place where you'll figure out how great you are (because people with BPD never stay with the good ones) and you'll stop even wondering about her in the same way. 

Give in time so you can offer yourself the gift of time.

Rev 

[HopelessBroken]

Hi Karma!

It feels like you’ve been kicked in the stomach.  Not that you didn’t know she was dating, but seeing what appears to be a lovey/happy picture makes you feel hurt and angry at the same time.

Talking to/dating/sleeping with multiple people at the same time is so common with BPD. As is talking crap about the people they are involved with.  I experienced both with my expwBPD.  I was so in love with him and I thought he was with me so I was clueless to what was going on behind my back (while I was constantly wrongly being accused of being unfaithful).  Since you are broken up she’s not hiding it. But this most likely was going on during your relationship. Also, I frequently received criticism that I did not talk negatively enough about my ex husband.  I was always thinking, why would I trash him, he’s a good person?

What my expwBPD explained was that he needed me to trash the other guy for him to feel good. And it’s ALL about them feeling good. They will do anything, at all costs to get that feeling. And in this situation I believe she’s wanting to make you feel good by trashing the other guy. It’s got nothing to do with how she actually feels. And they are also big on promoting how happy they are in relationships on social media. That too has nothing to do with how they actually feel.

So where do you go from here? Are you wanting to get back together? Or do you want to fully detach?

[Mutt]

As you probably already know a pwBPD have maladaptive coping mechanisms and are dysfunctional - seeking gratification from multiple sources soothes their needs.

2010 has good knowledge about BPD and can be pretty granular if you’re looking to learn more about BPD.

When a person needs perfect mirroring and must have it from multiple sources; moving on to recycle old flames or search on-line for new ones, or have one-night stands- this is a sign of insecurity. Never to be alone, unable to delay gratification. Always needy. Multiple relationships overlapping during the BPD relationship eliminate trust, safety, and security for a Borderline. This isn't a discard and devaluation- this is an extreme valuation that once temporarily soothed the developmental deficit and need for value. Sometimes, for both parties. One person is doing the necessary stepping back to detach and protect, and yes it involves hurt and mistrust.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Karma,

I agree with Rev: you won't heal by figuring her out.  In fact, I doubt you will ever get to the bottom of BPD, which I find incredibly complex.  When you let go is when you will make progress, which brings me to another point: why are you hooking up with her if you are trying to detach?  You're only hurting yourself and your self-esteem, in my view.  You call the shots, my friend, not her, so do what you need to do.

LJ