Intense anxiety, difficulty focusing after setting boundaries

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Has anyone experienced anxiety, insomnia, trouble concentrating at work, intense urges to research BPD to make sense of your world, etc. as a result of having a relationship with someone with BPD.  He is diagnosed BPD, bipolar, and depressed. Although I believe he loves me, I have also been his supply of affirmation, have jumped through every control hoop there is and have compromised many of my own values/needs so that he could continue to have his needs met exclusively. The list is endless. Idealization followed by devaluation in the most verbally and emotionally abusive ways. Ghosting, but never breaking up really. Threats of suicide, cutting, every doctors appointment and every evaluation in his quest to find something (else) wrong with him.  This rollercoaster has left me a wreck.  I don't know how to get out, but it is seriously taking a toll.  I am in in therapy and now am looking at antidepressants.  I can't stay, but I can't block and leave this. Help. Just to hear someone else tell me that they have been where I am would help.

[rlbebr]

Has anyone experienced anxiety, insomnia, trouble concentrating at work, intense urges to research BPD to make sense of your world, etc. as a result of having a relationship with someone with BPD.  He is diagnosed BPD, bipolar, and depressed. Although I believe he loves me, I have also been his supply of affirmation, have jumped through every control hoop there is and have compromised many of my own values/needs so that he could continue to have his needs met exclusively. The list is endless. Idealization followed by devaluation in the most verbally and emotionally abusive ways. Ghosting, but never breaking up really. Threats of suicide, cutting, every doctors appointment and every evaluation in his quest to find something (else) wrong with him.  This rollercoaster has left me a wreck.  I don't know how to get out, but it is seriously taking a toll.  I am in in therapy and now am looking at antidepressants.  I can't stay, but I can't block and leave this. Help. Just to hear someone else tell me that they have been where I am would help.

[pursuingJoy]

rlbebr, it sounds overwhelming. I've felt a lot of the things you're describing. Therapy is a HUGE step in the right direction, so kudos for pursuing that.  Does your therapist have any recommendations for how to navigate your relationship?

Space helped me a lot - space to just breathe, to think, to feel a little relief. It's like my vision was foggy and I couldn't see where to go, but space lifted the fog a little. I felt guilty for taking space - super common but not necessary, because everyone needs space sometimes. 

Talking to other people probably helped the most. I had been gaslighted and felt upside down, didn't know which end was up anymore. When I opened up to other people I realized I was ok and normal and upright, but I was dealing with difficult people.

Check out the site, there are so many stories like ours. You're not alone, and things will get better from here. Big hug to you.

pj

[once removed]

i think we can all relate. youre not alone 

I don't know how to get out, but it is seriously taking a toll.  I am in in therapy and now am looking at antidepressants.  I can't stay, but I can't block and leave this. Help. Just to hear someone else tell me that they have been where I am would help.

whats going on?

[DreamPocket]

 

 

Has anyone experienced anxiety, insomnia, trouble concentrating at work, intense urges to research BPD to make sense of your world, etc. as a result of having a relationship with someone with BPD

Yes.
And I still get worked up into research & venting mode (with safe, trustworthy people) after every attempt he's made to contact me after our break-up. It's been 5 weeks since I broke up with him, but he e-mailed me last night about how he tested positive for Covid and wanted me to know in case of rumors at work--we work in separate areas of the same building. That was very hard not to reply to, but I think I've been pretty clear that I don't want to talk to him, let alone try to be friends.

I just keep reminding myself that nothing would change, and that NC is to keep the cycle from repeating. I've had one bad relationship before, but it never got as dangerous as this one. (Drinking, guns in the house, pressure into doing & saying things I didn't want to, verbal and emotional abuse). It was the most confusing experience b/c of the random intense idealization. "I'll do whatever it takes. I don't want to lose you."

I don't even know if he has BPD as I don't always relate to other stories on these forums. But I can relate to enough, and I know him enough. I had a hole in my heart that I was trying to fill with him, but now I'm looking to God for that.

I don't know if any of this helped, but I hope you don't forget that your feelings matter... At one point I had to have 2 therapists tell me that I was definitely putting his feelings before my own.

Big hugs, and I hope you find the solution that makes you happy.