Feeling lost

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband has always suffered from depression. He had multiple childhood traumas and I was the first person he confided in over 20 yrs ago when we started dating right out of high school. He is a fun, outgoing, handsome man and a wonderful father to our 3 small kids. Over the last 2 yrs things have changed and we started marriage counseling almost 2yrs ago after returning home from a romantic get away gone bad. The best I can describe is feeling like I'm on a roller-coaster and when we are up it's good and when we are down it's terrible. That's when I feel like I'm in a purgatory of criticism and he feels horrible and it's my fault. Logically, outside of these "episodes " or valleys as I call them I can rationalize and know that what he says isn't true but in the moment I question if I am contributing to his despair. Only recently did our therapist share that she feels he has BPD. He has not acknowledged it. He refuses medication and I am tired. I love him and don't want to quit but also I do not want to live this life as it is anymore, for my own happiness and our kids! He is not physically abusive, it's hard to even say he is emotionally abusive bc I don't feel he intentionally hurts me, but I am hurt and tired. I wish we could work toward resolution. I look forward to hearing others stories and not feeling so confused all the time.

[Hopeful and Tire]

My husband has always suffered from depression. He had multiple childhood traumas and I was the first person he confided in over 20 yrs ago when we started dating right out of high school. He is a fun, outgoing, handsome man and a wonderful father to our 3 small kids. Over the last 2 yrs things have changed and we started marriage counseling almost 2yrs ago after returning home from a romantic get away gone bad. The best I can describe is feeling like I'm on a roller-coaster and when we are up it's good and when we are down it's terrible. That's when I feel like I'm in a purgatory of criticism and he feels horrible and it's my fault. Logically, outside of these "episodes " or valleys as I call them I can rationalize and know that what he says isn't true but in the moment I question if I am contributing to his despair. Only recently did our therapist share that she feels he has BPD. He has not acknowledged it. He refuses medication and I am tired. I love him and don't want to quit but also I do not want to live this life as it is anymore, for my own happiness and our kids! He is not physically abusive, it's hard to even say he is emotionally abusive bc I don't feel he intentionally hurts me, but I am hurt and tired. I wish we could work toward resolution. I look forward to hearing others stories and not feeling so confused all the time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Have you guys been doing marriage counseling for two years?  Same counselor?

Looking back, can you see hints of this thing before the romantic retreat that went badly?

Can you share more details on the turning point?

Best,

FF

[Hopeful and Tire]

We started counseling after the trip. Same counselor. She used to meet with us weekly and early on he was open with her about his past. She recommended having his own sessions as well that focus on him separate from us. I have worked with her on my own here and there as well. Right now We meet every other week together (well, all on zoom this year) and then he meets with her every other week so twice a month together and he has twice a month himself. Only about 6 months ago did she share with me, that she suspected BPD and more recently shared that she feels confident about it. Once I looked into it and now have read and watched a lot about BPD. It makes so much sense to me. So yes, now that I am aware of it, I would say there have been things over the years that fit. Not nearly to the extreme that they are now. We have discussed is it mid life triggering or that our son (our oldest) is now the age that my husband started being abused that has hightened anxieties. I don't know what they talk about specifically when working together, but I feel he doesn't acknowledge the BPD diagnosis. He says that he has issues but if I were (fill in the blank... more appreciative, more loving, wanted him more intimately...the list goes on) he wouldn't be as depressed. He refuses to consider medicaton even though she has recommended it many times b/c he doesn't think it will make a difference, that he only gets upset and down because of me. I don't want him to medicate to "fix" himself. I just want for him to feel better, to maybe have it be an adjunct to therapy so we can get out of this cyclic pattern of ups and downs. It's sad to see him so upset. When we get to the other side of a down spell, he is very apologetic for the things he says and is very loving and respectful. That was so long winded, sorry

[formflier]

He says that he has issues but if I were (fill in the blank... more appreciative, more loving, wanted him more intimately...the list goes on) he wouldn't be as depressed. 

Thanks for being open about this.  It helps us to understand the "vibe" of how things are going much better.

Regarding the statement I highlighted.  What do you think of what he said?  How did you respond?

Best,

FF

[Hopeful and Tire]

I feel like I give all of myself to our family and to him. I filter my actions and thoughts daily to try to not effect his mood or to try to proactively keep things stable. I love him deeply. I try to compliment him privately and publicly, acknowledge his positives and what he does for me and for the family. Intimately, there could be improvement. I work full time and have three small kids, tough to be in the mood as much as he'd like.
I generally reply with affirmations. " I do love you and I need and want you in my life/our lives" 
 " I am sorry you feel that way, that is not how I want to make you feel"
I have shared that it feels chicken or the egg like, I would likely be less distant and more intimate if I weren't feeling like he didn't even like me half of the time.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you seen this video about family skills for living with someone with BPD? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302934