Picked up my stuff and left

[Snowflake90]

Hey guys, I have posted in the other forum but now that I am detaching this is the correct board. Long story short, been married for 6 yrs to a BPD wife. Hers is pretty severe. Has been hospitalized for 3 weeks, self harms pretty bad, has some rage episodes, a couple of suicide attempts and whatnot. It's been a bit over a year from her hospital discharge and since then she has cut herself some ten times. When she does, its always an ER visit, needs multiple stitches. After having self harmed last week, i've finally left the house on sunday. My anxiety was through the roof and I was feeling burnt out from caregiving and taking care of our two small kids. Called my inlaws and told her I needed some time. Packed a suitcase with some clothes and left. Im currently travelling to the beach with my parents. However crazy that is, I miss our good moments together and kinda regret that we will not be "a whole family" anymore. Whenever I see a husband and wife and a small kid playing at the beach I feel like crying, grieving what Im giving up. On the other hand Ive  never felt so free. Being around her meant living with the FOG. I was always anxious, walking on eggshells, particularly by leaving her with the kids alone for more than half an hour. She'd meltdown. Or arriving past 6 pm at home. She'd also have a meltdown. So I havent felt this free ever since I met her. Im much calmer and better physically and I am on my way to tell her on thursday that Im not going back home. Grief and sadness comes and goes, particularly when thinking about the kids.  So its mixed feelings, but as each day goes by, it feels like I am healing and taking better care of myself by exercising and relaxing. Would love to hear feedback from people who have had similar feelings and how are they faring today. Do you regret the decision?
Thanks for the support

[icntblvethis]

Glad you’re safe. Are the kids with her?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Snowflake90, I admire your courage to make a change.  Agree, BPD takes a toll on one's physical and mental health.  After experiencing a  newfound peace upon leaving my BPDxW after 13 years of marriage, I never considered going back.  Plus, my Ex made it easier by raging, blaming and denigrating me.  It's complicated, however, when children are involved.  I like to think that I demonstrated to our kids that one need not remain in an abusive situation, but in the meantime I've been the target of my Ex's wrath and subject to parental alienation.  No, I don't regret leaving!  I nearly destroyed myself in my marriage to a pwBPD, which may sound melodramatic but is no exaggeration.

LuckyJim

[cash05458]

what  a good and serious comment lucky Jim.

Even with the child threats...which I think must be the hardest card ( I have no kids)...you have moved on...so admirable! Sounds so healthy...I hope to get there as well at some point. 

[Snowflake90]

icntbelievethis, kids are with her but with my mother in law too, shes great at handling kids. The nanny is also with her.
Lucky Jim thanks, I contemplated this decision for more than a year. In my case there were rages and whatnot but the worst was she wouldnt do any house chores/parenting, leaving me physically drained. It was hard to have her help me out. And then when I was almost totally burnt out she would cut herself very badly, making me even more stressed out. At one point I wondered wth am I doing here. I felt trapped b/c she threatened suicide in the past should I leave. Dunno what happened that sunday morning but I knew it had to be now or never. Feeling better each day now.
Cash I've learned theres no right or wrong, a math equation signalling nows time to leave. You will never be fully sure. But it helps to talk through a therapist. Also, your gut knows. My gut feeling was I had to leave. Finally, most of us here are co dependents, myself included. Meaning: we are just too afraid to be alone. But you know what? Better alone than together with a toxic person.

[Lucky Jim]

cash05458: Thanks.  You'll get there, too, I'm confident.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.

Snowflake:  I can relate as I shouldered most of the parenting and chores, which led to burnout.  My BPDxW threatened suicide 10-15 times, which was incredibly stressful.  It's the ultimate manipulation.  Agree, your gut knows.  I disregarded my gut feelings, which led to major problems.  No more!  Now I pay attention to what my body is telling me.  Sure, most of us Nons have codependent tendencies; otherwise, we wouldn't be in a BPD r/s in the first place.  I used to think it was noble to be a caretaker, but now I don't see it that way!

LJ

[brighter future]

I used to think it was noble to be a caretaker, but now I don't see it that way!

LJ

I couldn’t agree more, LJ. That is my biggest downfall, and it was my role in my last 3 relationships dating back to 2004.. I never recognized it until this past May. Caretaking doesn’t benefit either party. Never again.

[Mutt]

Hi Snowflake90,

I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time.

sure. But it helps to talk through a therapist.

Is this your first separation?

Glad to hear that you have a T guiding you through this. Hang in there.

[Lucky Jim]

Caretaking doesn’t benefit either party.

Have to agree with you there, brighter future.  Took me a long time to figure out that caretaking is an unhealthy dynamic for both the care giver and care recipient.  I remain vigilant, and these days can usually sense when I'm getting the urge to jump in and rescue.  I acknowledge it and then decline to participate in this old pattern.  It's a lot easier to let things play out naturally!

most of us here are co dependents, myself included. Meaning: we are just too afraid to be alone. But you know what? Better alone than together with a toxic person.

Well said, Snowflake90.  Plus, it's a lot more peaceful   

LJ

[Snowflake90]

Hey Jim, thanks for the heads-up. Indeed being a religious person myself I thought it to be some holy mission to shoulder the whole thing. What warped thinking right? Couldn't agree more, caretaking enables both the bpd's flaws and the non's, by him weakening his boundaries. It was a sick dynamic. I'd take more chores, while secretly resenting it and expecting better treatment. While the correct and honest thing would be to just decline and force the bpd partner to grow. But as I was challenging the status quo conflict quickly ensued. Which just proved the point of that being an impossible relationship. Now she's still being nice to me, but I wonder for how long. Perhaps till she sees her alimony check and asset division. She did rage a bit though already which only makes me feel better of having left. So right now no regrets so far, only some grief here and there. Physically Ive never been better. Sleeping better already and reducing my anxiety med.
Mutt, its my first separation. Hope to be the last too .
Thanks guys.