Wife hit me and threw things at my son and I

[RestlessWanderer]

My wife crossed a line today so I sprung into action.
I awoke this morning to my wife screaming at our son over some missing remote controls. She was convinced he hid them out of spite, then lied about it. I went into the room to find out what was going on. I got my son out of the room and determined that he was telling the truth. We went back a couple of minutes later to look for the missing remotes and found them in plain sight lying on the bed. She still insisted that they weren’t there before we went in. She continued to verbally assault him then picked up the remotes and threw them at us. Luckily she missed. I got between our son and her to protect him. Then she came up to me and hit me on the head. I took our son into his room to quickly get him dressed, then we left. I called my lawyer for advice and got instructions on how to get a protective order. I took my son with me to file and we’re staying in a hotel tonight.

I chose a hotel that I’ve always wanted to stay in. The room has a beautiful view. We’re going to treat this like a special vacation for just the two of us.

I will probably file for divorce next week too. She crossed a line and woke daddy bear.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry!

You absolutely did the right thing. It's one thing to endure mistreatment of ourselves...quite another to have this abuse directed at our kids.

How is your son now? How are you feeling?

[GaGrl]

You are doing the right thing. Experiencing domestic violence is often a line that, when crossed, results in decisive action. That it was your child ups the ante!

I'm sure the next few days will be difficult. Please know you can come here for support.

Your lawyer sounds as if he/she has a clear plan to help you get to a point of protecting your son.

[Cat Familiar]

You absolutely did the right thing. Some relationships may not be capable of being saved. You’ve tried so hard, but this was a dealbreaker. 

Cat

[RestlessWanderer]

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

My son is doing fine. He was pretty shaken up after it happened. But he’s been a trooper. He’s used to her yelling at me, but she had never lost it like that before.

I hope she doesn’t try to ruin me now. I know what she’s capable of. Thankfully my lawyer has experience with BPD.

[RestlessWanderer]

I blocked her number yesterday so I wouldn’t have to be harassed all day long and so she could cool off. She has sent me a couple of emails and left a voicemail. Not a single one shows any sign of remorse. Not a single one has even a word of apology.
At this point I don’t expect that. But part of me is surprised.

[Cat Familiar]

I think you’re seeing her clearly now, not through the lens of wishful thinking.

How are you feeling, now that you’ve had time to digest this event?

[RestlessWanderer]

I agree Cat. I’m afraid of her reaction once she gets served. I’m afraid of the certain battle ahead of me. But there’s no turning back. I know that fear and courage go hand in hand.

[ForeverDad]

"If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."

There is also a real risk that she will try to paint you as worse then her.  Be prepared for you to be claimed as the controller and abuser and her the powerless victim.  And the agencies and legal system will listen to her, whether she will be considered to have credibility may be totally unrelated to reality.

There is a possibility she will try to lure you back, that it won't happen again, etc.  But promises are meaningless against the reality of historical patterns.

[formflier]

What has your L said about documentation of incidents?  Did you take pictures?  Can you tell?

Did you son witness this?  What has he said about it?  What have you said to him?

I'm glad you have an L in your corner.  You are doing the right thing.

So has the order been filed?  Granted?  Served?  (asking because it seems some states have very different procedures.

 

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

No documentation of the incident. I will try to record these things on my phone if they happen again. I didn’t have any marks from where she hit me, thankfully it wasn’t too hard.

My son saw it all, he was very much part of the whole thing. He shook it all off though pretty quickly. We talked about the incident a couple of times and he wasn’t happy with her for doing it. He wanted me to ask if she was mad before we came home. I told him that what she did was wrong. It’s one thing to get yelled at for doing something wrong, but getting yelled at for something you didn’t do, then having things thrown at you are definitely wrong.

I submitted the RO late yesterday so it won’t get processed until Monday.

[PearlsBefore]

"If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time." There is also a real risk that she will try to paint you as worse then her.  Be prepared for you to be claimed as the controller and abuser and her the powerless victim.  And the agencies and legal system will listen to her, whether she will be considered to have credibility may be totally unrelated to reality.

I'm not even sure if FD is quoting me, or more likely I was probably stealing the quote from him or somewhere else - I've definitely highlighted the same thing on here though and am in full agreement. Once the threat has been made, the idea has entered their head, they WILL put it into action at some point when they feel it would be advantageous. I had a dBPD who panicked when police showed up at her door for a wellness-check after a concerned relative just asked for a wellness-check based on her suicidalism...the dBPD panicked, indicated to the officer that she believed she was being investigated for her own violence towards loved ones - and decided she needed to throw the attention off herself and quickly...wanna guess how she decided to do that? Yeah, exactly. Her ex and spouse are still dealing with the fallout from that.

As GaGrl says, it's a sign of good parenting that you recognised this sort of behavior towards the children is a completely different ball-game. Often, at least in my never-quite-humble experience, as caregivers of BPD we have poor self-esteem and act a bit like battered spouses ourselves (or as people keep telling me, I literally am...I just don't like identifying that way, a slap or a kick aren't going to kill me...right?) - but you've done the right thing in having drawn a line in the sand in regards to your child.

Try not to be a jerk in relation to the child's contact with his mother, even during this "extreme" time of getting separation and filing for divorce; consider if it's possible to let them have Facetime, or write a Christmas card with something gushy and nice inside, or have a brief visit perhaps you have a friend who could "supervise" your son meeting her at the food court 'while shopping for mittens tomorrow' or something. Don't need to make it sound scary and official. Or if you'd rather be the supervisor yourself, do it that way - but do it in public, and bring an audio recorder with you just in case she claims something was said to her, etc.

[I Am Redeemed]

I would consult your lawyer about contact between your son and your wife, especially given that your wife has been illegally buying painkillers off the street.

[ForeverDad]

I called CPS twice in the months before our separation.  Both times the ladies weren't concerned about Ex raging at me in my preschooler's presence.  But both added, "Call us back if she rages at your son."  Clearly the dividing line for my area was whether son was the focus of an attack versus him seeing me attacked by her.

How much the children can be impacted before it becomes officially "actionable", you'll have to let children's services and/or family court determine that.  That may take time.  You don't have to demonstrate how fair or nice or thoughtful or polite you are to your spouse.  Courts and agencies probably won't care how fair or nice you are and don't expect it, but they will notice whether you're spiteful, disparaging or punishing the other parent.  You just do what you see is proper and appropriate.  Your position is that you as parent have no choice but to start by protecting your children from further abuse and poor behaviors.

And what was the trigger for my separation in those final months?  As has been commented often here, the rants and rages don't decrease or even stay the same level over time, they tend to increase.  It's like their disordered perceptions and compulsions are searching for how much they can keep pushing our limits and so of course they end up going too far.  My ex made Threats of DV and I called the police.  For us, there was no turning back.  As unpredictable as acting-out disordered people are, the eventual outcomes are so predictable.

[Pomsie]

Have you and your wife had counseling? Has she ever reacted like this?

Before you break up your family, and maybe go a direction you will later regret, at least see a counselor. You never know. Every marriage is worth that at least before divorce.

[RestlessWanderer]

I worked closely with my L yesterday to fill out the papers. I asked her afterwards how to proceed. She advised me to let my W know we were in a hotel and that we were coming home the next day. She told me to be ready to record should I have to. I will be sure to always be present to be supervising their time together, for now.

I’ve tried counseling, at least 10 appointments. She only went once, and thought the T was a joke. I think ForeverDad is right. Things will just continue to follow this pattern and keep escalating.

[RestlessWanderer]

Today she’s been playing nice. She’s been talking about home decorating and camping next year.
I hate it when something horrible is followed by days like today. It makes me feel like the bad is going to feel so much worse. And it makes me fear how much being served the RO will hurt her and lead to a massive explosion. I have to run through the horrible events over and again to quell those feelings of doubt.

She hit me yesterday. She threw remote controls at my son and I yesterday. She’s hit me before. She’s kicked me before. She threw a rock at me before. She’s called me horrible names.

That’s my mantra, my depressing mantra.

[I Am Redeemed]

What are the terms of the RO? Will she be required to leave the home? What does it specify about contact?

Try to reframe your perception of the RO as "hurting" her. It's a consequence of her own choice to behave in an abusive manner. When you have a kind heart, it's easy to fall into feeling bad or guilty about the consequences another person brings upon themselves. Extend that same kindness towards yourself, because you are deserving of it as well- and certainly, so is your son.

[ForeverDad]

Besides having consequences, any legal support you obtain also supports your boundaries for behavior.

Pomsie, you are right that counseling should not be ignored as an option.  My experience was similar to RestlessWarrior, I had scheduled marital counseling about six months before The End.  We arrived together but then she refused joint counseling, stating she was attending only to support my counseling.  Of course, the manager told her individual counseling was personal and she had to wait in the lobby.

I've come to conclude that when a relationship has gotten so bad as to require legal intervention, the misbehaving person typically refuses therapy.  Not that you shouldn't have already tried, of course.  Thanks for the reminder.

[RestlessWanderer]

I requested custody and supervised visits. I didn’t ask to have her kicked out of the home as I have a place to stay. It also says she is to not abuse again. My L reminded me that it could also be useful should she try to call police on me and falsely accuse me of abuse.

Part of me doesn’t think she will respect it.

[Waddams]

Filing a RO but then going back and living with her after this sends mixed signals. Are you feeling safe around her or not? If not, then don't be around her. Go stay at this other place you can stay at, with your son, until she's served and not in the home. Going back before she's served sends the mixed signal you're not really feeling like you and/or your son are at risk justifying the RO.

Lawyers give advice like the bit to go ahead and return home now because of things are so geared towards alienation risks. Guess what, she attacked a boy. Nothing you do compares to that in terms of alienation. The only thing you can do to make it worse is make him go back and face that kind of threat with her again. Program him to think that he has to deal with her abuse instead of be protected from her abuse.

I wouldn't go back. I'd never go back and be in the same room alone with her again. And I'd make sure any messages she sent I kept, if the mentioned the incident and documented it, I'd definitely keep them (so unblock and let her text and send messages  to get your documentation). I'd even respond with "you threw remotes at our kid and hit me. you attacked us. We're staying somewhere else, I'm not telling you where, we are not being around you after that." And let her explode again, in writing and in voice mails, and get your documentation.

[ForeverDad]

I've warned here about what the court and associated systems generally think about people they see as using the system as revolving doors.  By that I mean they see repeat, um, reporters of abuse who get protection from the system, then go back and come back again and again.  Imagine a scenario where the police get a call and one officer tells the other, "Oh, oh, it's the RW house again, no need to rush, when will the guy ever realize that this will never end, or will end badly, if he keeps going back?"

Yes, you never said you'd return soon.  But your unwritten hopes — you have them, right? — that this time she gets the message and starts realistic therapy are a risk to you.  The point remains, you know there is a cycle from good to bad, over and over, and over time it increasingly becomes "from bad to worse".  And the experience of many here too often is that it doesn't end until you're painted permanently black, and now your local good will and credibility could diminished too.

She might want to fix things now because she looks worse than you.  (Frankly, if almost anyone were in her shoes, that person would be inclined to do that too.  The difference is that a reasonably normal person would truly resolve things and not just get them overlooked.)  But what is the risk of her trying to make The Next Time where you're painted worse than her?

[formflier]

If she stays in the house, where will you and your son stay?  I'm always imagined that the  trailer you go is walking distance from your house (although I don't recall you saying this)...it just didn't seem far for you to go (but I could have this wrong)

So..please give us details on how you will keep things separate (rather than trusting her to honor the agreements/orders)

Best,

F

[GaGrl]

Your wife is mentally ill and in the grip of addictions that alter her ability to control her emotions and actions.

These actions have now become dangerous enough to you and your child that you left the house and filed an RO.

It would be prudent for you to arrange never to be in her presence without a witness, nor to allow your son to be with her unsupervised.

If she is planning a vacation and future family activities, she  either dissociated and does not remember what happened (which is a problem in itself), or she is doing a "dry-erase" and trying to pretend it didn't happen.

What will your next several actions be if she shows no acknowledgement, no remorse, no intent to seek sustained  treatment (going to a couple of therapy sessions does not constitute sustained treatment).

[RestlessWanderer]

FF, we live on the 9 acres that belongs to my mom. I own a single wide mobile home on the property, where we lived when we first got together, until our youngest son was born. Then we moved into a double wide mobile home, about 50 yards away, in 2016. The double wide is owned my mom. The mobile homes were the homes of both of my grandmothers. My mom lives on top of the hill, maybe 200 yards away.
The single wide has been my refuge for the last few years. It also has served as my home office throughout the pandemic.

Unless she chooses to leave, I’m allowing her to stay in the double wide. If she violates the RO I would probably file a new RO and request she not enter the property. I will stay in the single wide unless she chooses to leave (or the situation changes and she’s kicked off the property). If my son is going to spend any time with her at the other house I will accompany him. If her behavior changes and I feel I need to leave I will take our son with me. If I have to go in to work or go anywhere that I can’t take him, my son will stay with my mom.

[formflier]

Who can go with you and your son as a witness. 

What if you have not witness and she won't give your son back? 

If it is bad enough that you have an order on her...why on earth would you ever voluntarily put yourself in her presence? 

People in the court system will be scratching their heads about that...


Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Good advice FF. I’ve been maintaining a regular bed time since we’ve been staying with my mom.

The hearing is scheduled for Tuesday morning, so we’ll find out then what we can do. There’s no other indication when visits will be.

Redeemed, I try to keep talking to my son that feeling emotions are ok, no matter what. No emotion is bad. I also tell him that it’s important to remember that even though it’s ok to feel angry or sad, it’s not ok to let those emotions move is to be mean or hurtful. This approach was ok with his therapist.

[I Am Redeemed]

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