How to get BPDW to respond to messages

[NonBPDEx]

We had had a couple of really rough days (she once again was accusing me of doing things I did not do).

Then one day she came home and blurted out "this is not working, neither of us are happy, and neither of us trust each other".

I said "speak for yourself".

I then made the mistake of asking her if she wanted me to leave, to which she said "yes" (in my defense she had done this three times over the past year, and I was getting worn down).

I spent the next three days making plans to leave while she had a meltdown. But she could not get herself to ask me to stay. And so I left.

It has been three months with no contact. I have tried to reach out to her, but she will not respond.

However, her Facebook page still says she is in a relationship with me, and is still plastered with photos of the two of us as though we were still together.

I know that if I were to go back all the same BPD issues would be there, and chances are this would happen again. But what can I say, I still love her.

I have sent messages asking her to please respond. Or, if we are done, then change her relationship status on her Facebook page so I know I can move on. She has done neither.

Any advice on what to do next would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

What are the issues that have been problematic in your relationship?

How have you tried to reach out to her?

[Mutt]

Hey NonBPDEx,

I want to echo Cat Familiar.

Then one day she came home and blurted out "this is not working, neither of us are happy, and neither of us trust each other".

You have to figure out what is not working in the r/s. This is a good time to self reflect and think carefully about what is not working.

You mentioned that this is the third time. I don’t know your backstory but a lot of us can relate with your situation. Some times we fall into r/s patterns and wait for our partners to warm up to us again and go through the same routine.

Her Facebook profile status is a good sign for you it means that she doesn’t think of you in a complete negative way. What I mean is in the current emotional state that she is in meaning that how she thinks about you is not all negative thoughts and feelings. If she has nothing but negating thoughts and feelings bout you when she thinks about you it’s going to take a longer time time for her to let go of those feelings.

Asking her to change her profile status is going to telegraph that you haven’t sorted out what is wrong in the r/s and is not going to conjure positive thoughts about you - it is going to work against you.

If you’re wanting to move forward give her space and take this time to work on yourself.

What do you think could use some work on your r/s?

[livednlearned]

I have tried to reach out to her, but she will not respond.

Do you feel comfortable sharing what you wrote or said to her?

Maybe we can help walk with you and see if there might be some communication skills that could help. And have the two of you gone through something like this before?

When she was having her meltdown, how did she behave, and how did you respond?