Tell me about your radical acceptance

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm having to accept yet again that my husband's unhealthy relating to BPD MIL is outside my control and I'm working hard to respond from a place of radical acceptance.

What about you? Have you practiced radical acceptance? What brought you to that point and what did it look like? What did it change?

[pursuingJoy]

I'm having to accept yet again that my husband's unhealthy relating to BPD MIL is outside my control and I'm working hard to respond from a place of radical acceptance.

What about you? Have you practiced radical acceptance? What brought you to that point and what did it look like? What did it change?

[beatricex]

What brought me to that point?  I was suffering with depression and anxiety.  My BPD'd mom sent an email out to the entire family that basically said everyone was on her "sh!t list" (her term) except me.

I realized that I was not comfortable playing the role of favorite.  It meant that I had to gang up on whoever she was mad at, and scapegoat them.  I just couldn't do it, even though it was done to me, mostly by my sisters but to some extent my brothers too. 

I sought help through therapy, went NC for almost 7 years, and never looked back.  With my therapist I was able to let go of the idea that my Mom would morph into a loving, caring nurturing Mom.  I realized i needed to do those things for myself. 

I don't wish it on my worst enemy, but being a mom to yourself is really hard.  Luckily I had a strong relationship with my Dad and my grandmother at the time.  That helped.

Giving up the idea of the mom you wished you had and accepting the one you do have is really tough.

b

[zachira]

I don't think we can have radical acceptance with a person who we have to deal with on a regular basis who is still a real danger to our wellbeing: like an abusive boss who could fire us from a job we badly need right now, the parent who is abusing the children we have together, a sibling who is abusing an elderly parent and other family members, etc., I think we can only control how we respond to the dangerous person in our lives, and not let the abuse of this person rent too much space in our heads as we do our best to set healthier boundaries. Once an abusive person is no longer in our lives, than it can be a real relief, and radical acceptance can be a big part of the healing process. When my mother with BPD died, it was a relief, and I am now able to love her for the times when she was genuinely a caring mother. Unfortunately, my sister with NPD and brother with BPD increased their abuse of me after my mother died, and until I can go fully no contact with them, I find radical acceptance to be impossible. Once I am truly safe from my siblings' abuse and their flying monkeys, than radical acceptance will likely come much more easily.

[Notwendy]

I think it's important to distinguish radical acceptance of the reality of the situation from deciding it's acceptable or not. Radical acceptance does not mean acceptable. We have to examine our own boundaries/values to decide that.

With my BPD mother, radical acceptance is also sad. I have to acknowlege the fact that her capacity for a close relationship, the way I would want one to be, is limited. I have to accept that she lies, a lot, and I have seen it so much I can't not know it. I also radically accept that I can not control this behavior. She chooses to do it.
So I am not able to believe what she says to me and this impacts the capacity to have a relationship.

My part- this is the boundary part. It is not acceptable to me to have a close personal relationship with someone who lies so much, that I can not trust what they tell me. My other choice would be to accept it, and decide it's OK, but my own boundary says it isn't- so I keep the relationship cordial, but not too close for my own comfort level.

Let's say, hypothetically, one is married to a spouse who cheats. Radical acceptance is knowing what is true- the spouse cheats - and that there isn't anything the spouse can do to control this behavior.

The next part is for the spouse to decide to stay and accept that this is going to happen but they can't change that. Or decide it isn't acceptable but they have children together and that they need to stay married- but with boundaries- would they continue to share a bedroom, etc. Or decide that infidelity is not acceptable in a marriage for them, and proceed to separate.

Your part- you can radically accept that your husband is going to make his own decisions about his relationship with his mother and that you are not able to change that. You then stop trying to intervene or change things.

The next part is what will you do about it? This is not something you feel is acceptable but is it the bottom line for you, or is the sum of the relationship worth staying for? If you stay, what changes can you make to not be so emotionally involved- stop trying to change him, or compete with MIL, or get on the drama triangle, have him visit her on his own, you don't go. Decide that you will have a cordial but not close relaitonship with her? What can you do to divert some of that emotion and mental energy to something else- join a book club, volunteer somewhere.

Or if it's the bottom line for you, his attachment to his mother is not what you want in a marriage- proceed from there.

[Choosinghope]

Notwendy, you made a great point in differentiating between acceptance and acceptable. I have finally come to the point of radical acceptance with my mom. It took quite the gut punch to do it, but everything finally "clicked." My acceptance is that my mom is a hurt person who is hurting people. While she can be loving and wonderful, she can also be destructive and scary. When either mom comes out is unpredictable. Nothing I do or say will change the reality of who she is, and I have finally understood what it means to accept it and not work towards changing her. However, I think more important ly is what I find acceptable, like Notwendy said. I don't find it acceptable that she is slandering my H to everyone she knows, nor is it acceptable for me to contort and destroy my life for her well being. Knowing who shevis and knowing what I will not accept helps with knowing how to proceed. It's not clear cut, sadly, but it's at least a foundation to work with.

[zachira]

I had a long phone conversation with my best friend who lives several hours away from me. She truly has radical acceptance that her children are no longer in her life, and she will not likely ever meet her grandchildren. Her ex and his wife brainwashed her children who once loved their mother into wanting to never have anything to do with her, often referred to as parent alienation. I knew my friend when she had custody of her children. She has truly grieved her loss, and is still many years later the kind caring person she always has been. I continue to look to her for guidance in how to have radical acceptance with ending my relationships with most of my family members, and I think it will happen once I can go no contact with the family members who abuse and gaslight me. My friend says she no longer cries about the loss of her children, and that what helped her was to cry until she did not need to any more.

[beatricex]

good point choosinghope

Contorting and destroying oneself (your core self) is an unfortunate aspect of cow-towing to a BPD.

I forgot to mention that the main thing that changed is I found immediate relief.  I had been experiencing recurring nightmares for years that I was in my parent's house that I grew up in, and they were trying to kill me by shooting me with a gun.  Also, throughout my early adult years, I had another recurring nightmare.  I was looking for an apartment by myself (always by myself).  I think that one represented me getting out of my parent's house, getting away from the abuse.  Sadly, I was always alone in that dream.

After the radical acceptance, the nightmares stopped.

b

[pursuingJoy]

With my therapist I was able to let go of the idea that my Mom would morph into a loving, caring nurturing Mom.

This is painful isn't it? I think you've captured radical acceptance in a nutshell - letting go of a concept, a 'should be.'

NotWendy yes, it's sad. I get that it's supposed to bring relief, I guess I'm not there yet. I understand RA as something we do for us - kind of an honesty thing that helps us accept what is and move from stagnation to forward movement. In my case, I think part of what is holding me back is the fear that radical acceptance will lead to divorce. I'm hoping that I can figure out a way, like you have, to achieve a measure of peace through acceptance and simply establish different boundaries so I can stay in this relationship - although I'll need to figure out the logistics of that. And because grief is cyclical, I'm also wondering if I'm simply back at the grieving stage, feeling pain over the loss of a relationship I thought I had.

Zachira, your friend has some impressive emotional fortitude! I'm tucking away her advice about crying. Do you think that on some level, you have accepted that your family won't change, but you're realizing now that your boundaries may need to shift?

[zachira]

I have accepted that my family won't change. I just need to get out of bed legally and financially with my siblings before I can go fully no contact with them, and then I can set the boundaries I want with their enablers and flying monkeys.

[pursuingJoy]

I have accepted that my family won't change. I just need to get out of bed legally and financially with my siblings before I can go fully no contact with them, and then I can set the boundaries I want with their enablers and flying monkeys.

Cutting ties with them now would not be in your best interest, but it is a tool you have at your disposal, ready to use when the time is right.  Until it is, and you are free to take that step, we're here with you zachira. 

[zachira]

Thank you Pursuing Joy for understanding! It is so painful when we are ready to cut ties and can't. I often think of the parents on this site who have children with a disordered parent and they have to wait until shared parenting is no longer an issue.

[livednlearned]

I'm about a month late to the party as usual 

I was wondering about you, pj, and how you're doing.

I think part of what is holding me back is the fear that radical acceptance will lead to divorce.

Anything in particular kicking stuff up for you?

How did things go over the holidays?

[Notwendy]

pj- I think what you are dealing with is a bit different. You are wanting an intimate relationship with your H and there's a third person in that relationship which makes it a triangle. In some odd way it puts you in a sort of competition with his mother. While he should not have to choose between his mother and you- it's possible to love both your wife and your mother, the dynamics of BPD are causing this.

With my mother, people are either on her side or not her side and if she isn't happy with someone, people who want to stay "on her side" are placed in an odd situation of having to choose. It doesn't have to be this way but somehow this is the why my mother sees it.

This was the case for relatives on my mother's side. She painted me black to them and told them to stop speaking to me, and they did. I grieved the loss of those relationships but then had to accept the fact that if they chose to do this, they are adults and I can't change that decision. So I too had to distance myself from them.

She also put my father in this situation. She was angry at me. I was shocked to see that this even impacted a relationship between parent and child- but it did.

Ideally, a person should not have to choose between a love for a parent, child or spouse. Why BPD impacts this, I think is the drama triangle with each person having their own specific role. My own personal observation is that the pwBPD takes victim perspective and expects their loved on to take rescuer. This leaves the other person as persecutor.

[Methuen]

What about you? Have you practiced radical acceptance? What brought you to that point and what did it look like? What did it change?

I believe I have practiced radical acceptance with my mother.  About a year and a half ago, I reached a point where something had to change or I was heading towards a nervous breakdown.  One day, the craziness hit me like a ton of bricks and I woke up to the fact that I was expecting normal, healthy, loving behavior from someone who couldn't deliver and shouldn't be expected to. She wasn't normal or healthy, and the loving only came when I was all white, but the hating came when I was all black.  Then I went through a lengthy grieving process, because I radically accepted that the mother I always believed I had, wasn't what I thought (epiphany). But since she was my mother (I'm an only child living 6 min away), this was my lot in life, and so I spent a lot of time doing the work to change how I interacted with her and what I expected from her.  That worked quite well for a long spell.  Until she fell again, and the craziness started all over.  This morning at my therapy session, I was inconsolable, dissociating, and not getting anything from T (a first as T has always been helpful for me).  I just wanted to get out of there.  I got home and went on my treadmill, faster and farther than I have in a very very long time.  So to answer your last question (what did it change?), I guess it changed a lot at first, as mom adapted to my new way of interacting with her (me recognizing I was part of the problem and doing something about it), and we settled into a sort of wary congeniality when I would go over there to support her physical and emotional needs (but in a very pragmatic way). It's a relationship that feels shallow to me, but she seems comfortable with.  Conflict was kept to a minimum.  We found a kind of homeostasis in the relationship.  I'm guessing you can relate to this at different times because I know how incredibly hard you have worked to navigate the relationship with your H and MIL. I'm hopeful that there have been some good spells for you too.  However, with my mom, after the events of her most recent fall at Christmas and all that has followed, it feels like nothing has changed from my radical acceptance, because she still is what she is, and I have to always respond, because it is my duty as her daughter to support her, despite everything.  I'm the one feeling that duty.  She is not telling me that straight out, but in sidewinder ways.  It fits within my value system to not abandon her, and I do love her in some ways, but I do NOT love her behavior, or her BPD. I have set boundaries with her.  So my radical acceptance has helped me a lot (I am less frustrated and overall managing better). But in another way the radical acceptance has not at all because that I'm still dealing with her distorted thinking, her behaviors, her neediness, and I'm exhausted.  My T described me this morning as having an empty tank.  I'm guessing you can relate to this too.  I think it's probably harder for you, because of the dynamic with a third person.  In my experience, two in the relationship is a problem, but I'm struggling to imagine what it would be like with three.  I think another part of radical acceptance is accepting that the roller coaster just is.  The feelings are still there.  Radical acceptance hasn't prevented me from feeling hurt and disappointed because of her words or actions.  There are still problems.  Radical acceptance isn't a quick fix.

I feel for you PJ.  I really do.  If it was my partner instead of my mother, I don't know what I would do.  A spousal relationship is so very different from a parental relationship, and it's a 24/7 relationship.  When I have had big decisions in my life, I often get to a point where I sit down and write out a "pro" list, and a "con" list.  If the lists are somewhat equitable, that makes it harder.  But, one time I did this, my "con" list was 3 legal pages, and my "pro" list had only a few items.  Problem was, those few items were really really important. But seeing it written out, objectively, really helped guide me to a decision.

Once an abusive person is no longer in our lives, than it can be a real relief, and radical acceptance can be a big part of the healing process. When my mother with BPD died, it was a relief, and I am now able to love her for the times when she was genuinely a caring mother.

 Zachira, today this brought me more inspiration than you can know.  One of things bothering me lately has been what I will feel like after my mother is gone.  It's complicated.  I am heartened to read that it was a relief for you, and that you were able to love her for the times when she was genuinely caring. I have been wondering if the guilt we feel stays with us until we pass, or if it lessens or disappears once they are departed.

PJ - it must be really hard to go through the process to decide what you can adapt to with the triangle, and what you cannot, and then go through the process where you come to a decision which has risks and benefits either way.  It seems there are still things happening in their mother-son relationship, which make you very uncomfortable.  Has he shown any growth with this problem?

[formflier]

PJ

Thanks for this thread.

Really important point made several times about the difference in radical acceptance and "acceptable".

For me it was time and gentleness to get closer to RA.  Perhaps for me the RA was more about my limitations than anything else.  I'm a can do guy and until I "met" BPD later in life...really hadn't come up against any challenge that I couldn't conquer.

Once I started to realize I had limited influence, I was able to "see" things more clearly and "accept" them.

It also clarified the area I can/should "spend" my energy to have the best chance to "nudge" things in a good direction. (while being prepared to care for myself if they don't go the right way)

Anyway PJ, I suspect there is more for you to contemplate as you try to be in a two way relationship with your hubby and you have BPDish stuff pushing for an unhealthy triangle.  Saying it's a minefield is polite at best.

I too am curious if there is something recent that has you thinking more about this.

Best,

FF

[khibomsis]

My hardest part with RA are the ethical questions. I mean, if the ex pwBPD in my life were not BPD I would be so long gone, after the things she has done to me. But she is BPD. I have to accept the disease at the same time as I have to believe she has the power within herself to get better. She is certainly doing so much better than my uNBPD mom, where with time all I could acheive was a sort of numbness. One of my emotions on her death was actually relief. I felt "at least her suffering is over now". And when one is familiar with the pain and the rage that is BPD, that is no small thing. They do suffer a lot.

Ex pwBPD has a better chance than my mother, she is doing all the right things, working hard in therapy, and really trying to turn her life around. I feel I must support that while at the same time grappling with my own CPTSD and depression.

So what price choice? To what extent can I hold her responsible? I must, obviously, insist on some form of accountability (or, as FF loves to say, there must be consequences). But she is suffering from a severe mental illness that many experts believe is incurable, and is climbing mountains every day in her quest for healing. How ethical is it to hold her responsible for her actions? Somewhere in the middle is a balance I consistently fail to achieve.

Thanks, PJ for starting this thread! I wish I could give you answers but all I have are these ramblings.

[Notwendy]

I think the ethical issues between a relative and a partner are different in some ways, but I also think in general it isn't about whether or not they are responsible for their behavior but is their behavior harmful to us and do we choose to endure it or not?

A person may be able to control their behavior- or not, or be working on it - or not, but when it is a partner, one can also decide- is this relationship causing me harm? I don't feel we need to be obligated to allow someone to be abusive to us- no matter if they are responsible or not. We don't have to blame them, or be resentful of them, and we can even care very much about them, but if their behavior is causing us harm, we don't need to continue to be romantically involved. People are allowed to divorce or break up if they choose to and being in a harmful situation is a reason to make this choice.

With a family member it can get blurry but one is not responsible for other adults. One way of looking at this is- am I acting in this family member's best interest by allowing them to be abusive to me? That makes them an abusive person. I think one can choose to have boundaries with that person, but still should treat them kindly in the ways possible if they are in contact.

So for your ex- she has some great qualities of course. You wouldn't have been with her if you didn't think so. It's also commendible that she's trying. However, I do think we can choose to be in a romantic relationship or not, based on personal choices. Of course if one is married and/or children are involved there are obligations. Even with obligations there are choices. Your Ex might be great in many ways but if the relationship was hurtful to you in ways you can choose to not be in it.

[khibomsis]

Totally with you there, Notwendy. Have ended the relationship though chosen to hold on to the friendship, I guess that is what I meant when I said if she were not BPD, it would not have happened that way. Would have been a clean break. It is here that my radical acceptance confuses me  

[formflier]

  It is here that my radical acceptance confuses me  

Can you expand on this? 

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think BPD is confusing because the person has a mental illness but is at some level aware of their behavior.

If someone did not have a mental illness and chose to behave abusively- well that one is pretty clear- they are a jerk.

If someone was so severely impacted by a mental condition, then we could be forgiving.

BPD seems to be in between, and to make it more confusing, some of their behavior is deliberate.

I know a person with autism. He can be difficult at times. However, I know he is not aware of his behavior and isn't doing it on purpose.

My BPD mother deliberately lies and is hurtful on purpose. However, she didn't choose to have BPD, so it's complicated.

[zachira]

Though still in the midst of terrible heartbreak having to emotionally and legally divorce myself from most of my family members and their enablers, I feel like I am starting to cross over to the other side. I am feeling positive and happy most of the time, and having less moments of feeling powerless and depressed. I think that radical acceptance is mainly about accepting ourselves, feeling all our feelings, so we can let the sadness and anger dissipate so we can feel joy. We cannot feel happy if we stuff our sadness and anger, or get into cycles of extreme depression and anger. I thought I would never get to the point where I am not so overwhelmed by the tragedy of being one of the scapegoats in an extended family which has chosen children at birth to either be golden children or scapegoats. I know I have a much richer life than the golden children. I look at pictures of the golden children, and there are no long lasting genuine smiles. The golden children post endlessly on Facebook their opinions and brag about their acccomplishments, yet it is painfully obvious the golden children are insecure for never being held accountable for their most egregious behaviors. I can now mostly quietly enjoy life while weathering the storms.

[formflier]

My wife was literally the unwanted extra child.  She has an older sister and a fraternal twin brother.  She came out second and the family didn't know they were having twins...until she came out.

It has always been made obvious to her that they would have had the perfect family Mom, Dad, and older sister and younger brother...if it wasn't for her.  

As a result she was kinda ignored.

Older sister was given everything...no consequences for anything and has had a turbulent life with many marriages and many live ins.  The capstone was several years ago when her son (my nephew) got tired of her antics and assaulted her...and spent several days in jail.

He spent several years saying he was going to shut her mouth...and finally did.  And...from what I can see...she runs her mouth far less since then.

The brother was henpecked by the Mother for all his life...failed marriages...kind a hermit for a while and is now married again and lives 12 hours away..rarely comes around.  In the most passive aggressive middle finger to the Mom I've ever seen...he lacked 3 credit hours to get a bachelors degree...Mom and older sister begged, pleaded, manipulated him to do it...and he refused...walked away from it all.

My wife kinda had to figure her own life out, went to college and graduated...married me and chased me around the Navy for 20 years.  Moving back close to her family again is complicated...she/we will be their caretakers in their elderly years...the golden child and brother have flat out refused (but of course we should care for the parents as the golden child says).

Ugggg...

So...I'm thankful for my wife and I also am mindful of the relationship skills she brings to our marriage...

Good thread...keep it up.

OH..as part of RA I have to realize that if I had married the sister there is NO CHANCE I would still be married.  None.  My wife is BPD lite compared to the rest of her family.

Best,

FF

[khibomsis]

Ah, FF, you did ask  :)Look, beloved expwBPD lied to me about Ms Triangle  last year.  Had I not found her e-mail open on my computer I would never have known. That is when I got back to RA and really worked it in a way that I did not the first round on these boards.  I asked myself how I would feel if somebody had a disease that caused them to spastically jerk their legs. If I got hurt by those spasms, I should certainly remove myself from harm's way. It helps nobody for me to have bruises. But should I shun the person with the disease? No. Were it a case that the person refused help then yes, a cautious distance would be advised,  In the case where the person is getting the best health care possible and sincerely working at it,  there is no moral way out.

It is really HARD to sustain a relationship without trust. Had this been a non, we could have worked at it, possibly in couple therapy. A pwBPD is consumed with the self-awareness therapy brings and I don't think a non can be fully aware of what a revelation that is. For me the parallel was reading Lawson's book and realizing the author was comparing my childhood to a concentration camp. It caused me to revise every idea I had about my sanity and conclude that I must be a lot more CPTSD than I thought I was. In the same way, my expwBPD is now aware of the dysregulations as dysregulations, she is starting to understand why others behave the way they do around her, she has accepted that she is not OK and wants to get well asap but  is dealing with the prognosis, which in the literature appears to be at best 4 years. There is no emotional energy left to build trust or any other relationship issue. I radically accepted this, even the most cold-hearted of people would  not wish to deprive her of this opportunity to focus on her healing. So when I was offered my ticket out I took it.

The dysregulations were hard, I work at understanding them as symptoms of the disease, and that helps me distinguish between the person and the behaviour. I don't feel I can hold her morally responsible for the dysregulations. I can hold her responsible if she missed therapy or stopped practicing DBT. I hope that makes sense?

Of course they triggered my PTSD, and for many months I grappled with this notion that  although she was not trying to be abusive I felt abused. BPD's differ just like anybody else,  some are nice, some are nasty, and I really did not pick up any evil in the dysregulations. They embarrass her as much as the person with the spastic legs would feel every time they kicked someone.  So I offer every support a friend can offer, and in the friendzone I feel safe. Slowly, by itself, that is becoming the basis for trust.     
 
On another note I always felt a little sorry for my brother, the good child. We got out, he was stuck. Of course at my age I am trying to stop running and slow down a little, to act like an adult with power. So we make an extra effort to be there for him now that mom is gone.

[livednlearned]

Radical acceptance and change are connected.

You have to accept reality in order to change it (Marsha Linehan).

To radically accept something is to stop fighting it.

And

Acceptance of a problem is the first step toward change.

Plus

Change doesn't mean that things move quickly. Nor does change move progressively forward.

In Linehan's book about her life, she writes that radical acceptance is akin to willingness.

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks, all, for your responses. I've tried writing a few times and just wasn't able to finish.

Akin to willingness - whew.

It all stemmed from Christmas plans. Holidays are pretty rough. Like clockwork, MIL dysregulates starting in early Nov and it doesn't stop until January 1. H was very intent on our Christmas plans with MIL, repeating plans numerous times and planning gifts (ask me how much he helped with kids' gifts ). In his words, he forgot about our plans with our kids so he didn't make arrangements to pick up his kids in time. I found another way to make our Christmas plans work but it hurt.

MIL moved to a new city where she is surrounded by family she loves. At first all was good. She loved the attention and doting. The inevitable, "Mom's not doing well" started up again. A few weeks ago we spent a weekend helping his daughter in the same city. He picked up his mom and brought her over to visit for about half the time we were there. As soon as we left he said he was planning to take a day off work in the next week "just to see his mom, because they didn't get much time together." They have a very specific pattern that must be held or she dysregulates. I feel for him. It's a lot to carry, but it's also his choice to do so. I am able to separate and let him do what he feels is necessary.

He got MIL a new TV she wanted. She called him one night because her remote wasn't working. He spent an hour trying to talk her through it. When he got off the phone, he was feeling upset because she was upset, and told me he would probably need to take a day off work to go see her. I watched him think, then he said, "But not just because of the remote." It was almost like something registered? Maybe?

Between my emotional work and his, I do feel some improvement. We watch Everybody Loves Raymond and once he said about Marie, "That's my mom." There are are sometimes days, a week or more, when I don't feel her presence in the house.

Radical acceptance, for me, doesn't mean going along with the flow or accepting behavior. It means accepting what is, not what I think should be, and working from a place of internal honesty. I've quit trying to control his behavior. I have continued verbalizing what I need. I'm often tempted to offer unsolicited advice, so I'm working hard to stay in my 'yard.' 

The pain is the toughest part to navigate. There is pain in believing the 'should be.' There is pain in radical acceptance. There is pain in the story that follows radical acceptance.

So to Notwendy's point, it's less about holding them responsible for their behavior and more about whether their behavior harmful to us and do we choose to endure it or not? I have a husband whose emotional wellbeing is tied to his mom's in an unhealthy way. That is my reality today.

Will it help to offer unsolicited advice then get upset when he doesn't listen? No.
Does his emotional need for his mom define my worth? No.
To Zachira's point, can I find joy in other parts of my day today? Yes.
Can I - SHOULD I - be clear about what I need and set personal limits to what I will give to him and her? Yes.

Maybe some of radical acceptance is living in the present moment. 

[formflier]

Just an idea...

What if you didn't "save the day" in the lack of planning for kids.  Let there be even more of a consequence and then have something concrete to talk about.

"Hey babe, let's work on priorities for planning."

Then lay it out and verbalize.

"our top priority is.."

"or next priority is..." 

and so on

I'm not saying that Mom should be cut out...but one thing I've consistently noticed in your story is that when things are obvious...perhaps overly obvious...there is some level of "noticing".

Does  that ring true with you?

Best,

FF