Going NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, all,

I've been working in therapy over the last several months to figure out what kind of relationship with my mom is safe and healthy for me. And sadly after a lot of consideration, I landed on no relationship. Yesterday I blocked my mom on social media and phone. I have been super sad, crying/emotional yesterday and today, which I wasn't expecting. I thought I would feel relief but it's more just a lot of sadness. Then today I was on my computer and realized I was still getting texts from her on the computer for some reason. Anyway, the text was about a Christmas gift my siblings and I had sent her that she hates and thinks was totally thoughtless. I blocked her on my computer now too so she cannot contact me and I won't receive those anymore. I've been feeling guilty since blocking contact yesterday and wondering "does she know yet? is she mad? what is she saying in texts to me?" I feel like I'm weirdly addicted to the drama and want to know what she is going to say. Is that strange?

I would love to hear anyone's experience going no contact and how the transition felt for you? Has anyone going back to limited contact? What was that like?

[nomoreeggs]

Hi, all,

I've been working in therapy over the last several months to figure out what kind of relationship with my mom is safe and healthy for me. And sadly after a lot of consideration, I landed on no relationship. Yesterday I blocked my mom on social media and phone. I have been super sad, crying/emotional yesterday and today, which I wasn't expecting. I thought I would feel relief but it's more just a lot of sadness. Then today I was on my computer and realized I was still getting texts from her on the computer for some reason. Anyway, the text was about a Christmas gift my siblings and I had sent her that she hates and thinks was totally thoughtless. I blocked her on my computer now too so she cannot contact me and I won't receive those anymore. I've been feeling guilty since blocking contact yesterday and wondering "does she know yet? is she mad? what is she saying in texts to me?" I feel like I'm weirdly addicted to the drama and want to know what she is going to say. Is that strange?

I would love to hear anyone's experience going no contact and how the transition felt for you? Has anyone going back to limited contact? What was that like?

[anxiety5]

Hi, all,

I've been working in therapy over the last several months to figure out what kind of relationship with my mom is safe and healthy for me. And sadly after a lot of consideration, I landed on no relationship. Yesterday I blocked my mom on social media and phone. I have been super sad, crying/emotional yesterday and today, which I wasn't expecting. I thought I would feel relief but it's more just a lot of sadness. Then today I was on my computer and realized I was still getting texts from her on the computer for some reason. Anyway, the text was about a Christmas gift my siblings and I had sent her that she hates and thinks was totally thoughtless. I blocked her on my computer now too so she cannot contact me and I won't receive those anymore. I've been feeling guilty since blocking contact yesterday and wondering "does she know yet? is she mad? what is she saying in texts to me?" I feel like I'm weirdly addicted to the drama and want to know what she is going to say. Is that strange?

I would love to hear anyone's experience going no contact and how the transition felt for you? Has anyone going back to limited contact? What was that like?

I can't speak for anyone but myself but I don't like the concept of going NC without explanation. Clearly you are at a point where you think the relationship is toxic. Was there a blow out event? Fight?  Going NC is different than ignoring someone in a putative sense because you're mad at them.  In my relationship (and you can read much of my threads and posts if you need any background) Was just very toxic and bad. Cheating, lies, blow out fights, mood swings, etc.  We would have verbal blow outs weekly and it just became too much to tolerate anymore.  When I reached that point of no return and knew I was going NC, I let her know. I said something to the affect of "This relationship is not something that I can have in my life right now. I need space. I'm not asking you for space I'm telling you that I need a break from all of this chaos. I wish you the best but I want to be up front with you. As of today I'm not going to respond to your texts or your phone calls or emails or anything. I need time and space and that is not debatable. It is a decision that I have made. I hope you can respect it but if not, I at least want to save you the effort and time of reaching out to me because I will not respond."

Then you block their texts and phone calls so that you aren't even tempted to see/respond to them.  This is not something you do to punish them. This is something you do to end the relationship and ease the burden from your recovery and healing of the guilt of suddenly cutting them off. You let them know they would not hear from you. You let them know you would not respond. That = no reason to feel guilty.

If my ex did not feel guilty cheating on me, lying to me, manipulating me, ruining my birthday, kicking me out of the house the day of my grandmother's funeral for no reason, etc...why should I feel guilty for putting an end to that treatment?

[beatricex]

hi nomoreeggs,
Yes, I went NC with my BPD'd mom almost almost 15 years ago, maintained the NC with her and my Dad for 7 years, and only resumed contact because I missed my Dad and they're married.  He's codependent, but I still love him. 

There was a lot of crying, and excruciating pain as I mourned the loss of the mother I wished I had.  I can remember holding it together during the week (I work professionally), but melting down on weekends in crying fits.  I read a lot of the bible at that time in my life, it soothed me.

I did do this with the help of a therapist, and after reading the book "How to Divorce a Parent."  I saw this therapist for a couple years, every 2 weeks.  I had a lot of support there.  This is very expensive, and I know is not an option for everyone.

What I found most difficult (after the initial mourning her loss) was how to broach the subject with casual friends, as it is not a good discussion for coworkers/casual friends or your borderline mom's friends, or other relatives (my siblings) who judged me.  How could I even explain it?  If you are in a lot of pain (more pain than is imaginable to most), and the parent is still hurting you on a regular basis, this is the only option you have.  They mostly wanted to argue as my Mom was "nice to them" or "seemed like such a good parent."  It did feel like secondary abuse, having those people respond in this way.  I found a way to ignore all that "noise" too.

Weirdly, because my Mom is borderline, it was so painful for her that I rejected her, she was on her best behavior when I resumed contact, and has pretty much not pushed me since.  There are small things, but the major issues are gone.  I think as she aged too, she is one of those borderlines that mellowed.  She has a lot of health problems, and is not as spry as she once was.

I am interested to hear more about your journey.  It is OK if you don't want to go into what she is still doing to you, but I really do understand this pain that you're in, and am here to listen without judgement.
b

[Axel]

I've gone NC with my mother over the years, and as of Friday, I'm done. Over. Goodbye. She's elderly and had surgery, and I knew full well she was manipulating me when she called last weekend (right down to the crazy little girl voice), but I thought I could deal with it and out of compassion agreed to talk to her while she was in the hospital. I will not be announcing it to her, and there's no need for an explanation after what she did (although she'll feign innocence), but it was so egregious I doubt most people would believe me, and I no longer care.

I know through experience that any message to her, even telling her to leave me alone will result in a huge escalation of her behaviour and she will call my home 50+ times in a row leaving messages, she'll post on FB, she'll call other family members...she'll do anything and I'm not opening those flood gates.

[SepiaScarf]

Hi, nomoreeggs,
      going NC was actually the suggestion of my therapist at the time I was super distraught and emotionally a wreck. I did not want to do it because I feared my mother's backlash so much. However, I was not getting better and things were not getting better. So I did, Actually, I only removed my mother from Facebook( she could have called), and she did exactly what I thought she would do because she could not get to me she verbally abused my younger sibling. That was the worst pain I think I have ever felt, putting someone else in the line of fire. I did not warn my mother or tell her what I was going to do, there was no point that would have only escalated the situation in an unhealthy way and this decision was about safeguarding myself, not my mother. I valid how the action of not telling her hurt, but telling or not telling would not have changed the outcome, she still would have gone after the person she could get to. For weeks after I cried and was constantly scared/anxious it took time to adjust and grieve.
     About two months ago she asked to speak with my children and I agreed. The conversations have slowly shifted from there, we talk only about surface-level things and I keep her at a safe distance. For me avoiding her forever wasn't an option this seems to be working, and COVID is helping because it's limiting any get-together and giving me a solid justifiable reason she can not visit in person. Slow and steady.

SS

[Sunflower45]

Hi nomoreggs,

I recently went NC with my BPD mother and had a very similar experience to what you described. It was much more painful initially than I expected - I thought I would feel more relief. And I debated about whether to tell her. I ended up blocking her emails, texts, and calls and then just waiting a few days to see how I felt at that point. We had such limited contact at that point anyway that I knew she wouldn’t notice for a while. In the end, I decided to send a short note, asking that she no longer contact me or my family and explaining that it was the only way I felt I could protect myself and my family. I made the decision to send the note because I started ruminating about many of the same questions you were, and I decided it would give me some peace just to know that she knows about the NC. I don’t think there’s any one right answer - you have to do what is right for you.

I see it’s been a couple months since you posted. How are you doing?

[Orange]

Going NC was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It was great for me because soon after I realized, for me, any attachment to my bpdm had evaporated a long time ago. I had seen enough over decades. I had seen enough of her life revolve around this cycle of manipulation, lies, and sadness, and after you've seen enough, instincts take over. My instincts were confirmed after my brother died and she started vilifying her only remaining son.

I've gone NC twice with my bpdm, once for 6 years and currently on two years. One of the reasons we reunited was my brother's request. Another reason was because I had found some old family videos from when I was a baby and saw an entirely different mom, so I considered that maybe since it had been some time, she had changed or "gotten better" (silly me!).

The sum of it was no, she was still the same mean old lady, not getting along with any of her neighbors, not letting my brother come home for the holidays and stay, not getting along with any of her family members, and continuing to push me away. But I had already realized that as a kid, so for me, there wasn't any pain there.

Other family members and friends will most definitely have something to say if you make it public you are NC with your mother. I've decided to even avoid those people too. I'm sharing in hopes this is helpful to some of you who were fortunate to have better relationships with your bpd parent before things got to a point where you ask yourself if NC is right for you.