Why wont the recurring thoughts of it all go away

[notgoingback]

It was clear that I had no place in this persons life after all the violations on my boundaries and their own personal beliefs were discovered. It takes time to find out all there is to another person and when I did I ended it. It was when I sought treatment for the ongoing pain I was feeling it became clear that BPD was involved. Maybe I am upset that they knew they had these traits and did not tell me and if I did know somehow I could have made it better. (don't really believe that now). I am in my 50's and divorced four years when I met this woman. The relationship only lasted five months before I could no longer tolerate the treatment. I do not mean to sound mean and I really did care for this person but there was no respect shown to my needs at all and I had to go in order to save my own dignity.

I tend to have the nice guy personality and this may have made me venerable to the traits of BPD. I am willing to acknowledge my own involvement in the relationship to fully recover from it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey notgoingback, Welcome!  It sounds like you are off to a great start by acknowledging your role in the unhealthy aspects of the r/s.  Like you, I'm an easygoing guy and was particularly susceptible to manipulation.  I think it's worth exploring why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Right, you had to leave to preserve your self-dignity and self-respect.  I admire your resolve to break it off.  Fortunately for you it was a relatively short r/s.  A lot of us, including me, stayed far longer than is healthy.  I should know after 13 years of turmoil and abuse in my marriage!  No more.  Now I'm back on my path.   Feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi notgoingack,



I’d like to join LuckyJim and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. I’m also glad that you have found us.

What behaviors did you see?

Good for you to have the courage to end the r/s. I was in a similar r/s for 7 1/2 years and as you know it was a roller coaster and I found that was still anticipating the daily highs and lows after it was over.

Are you thinking about it daily?  

[notgoingback]

Thank you for responding. First let me say that I experienced feelings of abandonment as a child. I had coped with that. When I met her she seemed professional, intelligent and of coarse very pretty. She started with the love bomb and after four weeks ask me to marry her. I reluctantly agreed. She set a date for two weeks later and I said no to that. She set a new date for Christmas eve which is tomorrow. Phase two began and the push pull emotions started in and that became very confusing leaving me wondering what was going on. After four months began the rejection stage mixed with the "I cant live with out you" and seeming fear of me leaving her. Her behavior became such that I just could not trust her an any level. I am not the jealous type at all. Finally she began breaking and rescheduling everything and I could not take it any longer and I ended it. She was so congenial at the time I told her I was leaving and two weeks later she became very angry and seemed to want a fight. I responded only with kind words but made no attempts to argue and then I stopped responding and she text me this "It was you GD job to support me". I did not respond because this made me feel as if she had only been using me all along. Her final text just said "asshole". I did not respond and I have not heard from her sines. I will not make any attempts to contact her anymore. I knew something was wrong but I ignored it because she had found and touched a place in me that had never been nurtured the way she knew how to. I have dated a few women since I got divorced and never did I feel the way I do over this one. Thank you all again for listening to me. So many confusing events and words I just did not understand.

[Inside]

Gosh, I was your age when, not quite ten years ago I began a three year on-again off-again R/S with a BPD’d woman..  So you did better than me   

Keep reading, and posting your thoughts.  As you do, you’ll no doubt notice the pattern of BPD behavior, as well as a lingering sorrow from those of us only having had a brush with it. 

What I’ve also watched for is something in common with ‘us,’ the nons…  But all I’ve found are caring, if suffering, men and women as concerned for their former lover/ partners as they are for themselves.  That’s not what I found in the BPD world.

Though ten years younger than myself, I’ve also concluded ..she’d done that before.  Practiced at the art of deception, if you will, I was defenseless … all but for what you described, my integrity.  And as persistently as she worked to undermine it, it won. 

Obviously, no one wins in such a realm.  Even those moving deeper into a R/S with the same … simply prolong the inevitable, or sacrifice themselves ..and any children to a shared pain no one deserves.

[PearlsBefore]

It's a sad story, and many of us recognise it from similar events happening to ourselves and sympathise with you - it sounds like she did you wrong; but take comfort in the fact you found out early before she cost you another decade of your life. Small mercies, all of that. Thank God she didn't get her claws into you even further over the coming months, if this was her inevitable end.

I figured out about nine years ago now what LuckyJim just said...it usually goes back to your FOO. I was writing a...autobiographical piece a while back and I ultimately had to acknowledge that I've taken a lot of flack over the years because I have an inner Rhett Butler - a fondness for lost causes after they're truly lost, the impossible odds and more than anything else, I gave every ounce of my effort, resources and blood to help those who would never once thank me, those who were literally incapable of gratitude. But the eye-opening bit was when I realised it was because I'd grown up in the least validating environment possible - and thus I recognized that what burned other people hit only scar tissue on me. When you reach the point that BPD rages do not cause you to flinch or alter your terms even an inch - you've reached either a new high or a new low. So I told myself I had a duty to put myself where others wouldn't be.

Hang in there, holidays are tough - and moreso when they are anniversaries of other incidents, as they are for many of us. It's just a day, like any other, and whether we get through and past it by sleeping it away or keeping so busy as to forget our woes...the point is that we get through it, we get to a better tomorrow, and a better tomorrow after that, and each successive week and month brings us to a new and better place.

A quote that gets me through, from one of my favourite authors, "I believed myself destined for some great enterprise. My feelings are profound, but I possessed a coolness of judgment that fitted me for illustrious achievements. This sentiment of the worth of my nature supported me when others would have been oppressed, for I deemed it criminal to throw away in useless grief those talents that might be useful to my fellow creatures." - but do yourself a favor and don't read what became of that character ;)

[notgoingback]

I think the reason I was able to break it off in only five months is I am a recovered alcoholic (5 years sober now) and have worked the 12 steps twice. This required deep study of my own issues including resentments, selfishness, self-seeking and ego. So when I began to get falsely accused of  of things that were actually seemingly admissions of her own words actions and behaviors I knew it was not true. I woke up on a Sunday morning and every sense in my body was firing the message to "Get Out Now" so I did. Even though I had found a way to cope with my own issues which allows me to not not drink anymore she knew how to massage that spot. She told me that I made all her anxieties just go away and insisted that we spend every night together and planned where that was to be on a weekly schedule. I began to feel like I was nothing more to her than a therapy pet, very demeaning sensation. She seemed to operate on a secret life agenda that created serious trust issues.

Finding this forum is already helping me to find serenity through sharing with others who have lived through the same experience. Thank you all. Before finding this place I had done extensive research on the behaviors I witnessed but did not have a place to share it in order to let go of it. One of the nagging questions I have is: Did this person think that through abuse it would somehow retain my complete allegiance to her. There are many other question but all seemingly along the same lines. I have now met a very sweet and caring woman and I need to bring closure here in order to not let it affect my relationship with my new love. I have informed the new woman of this experience and she is totally supportive of me working through it. I may seem like I am all over the board here but I am still framing it all up in order to let it go.

[Mutt]

Did this person think that through abuse it would somehow retain my complete allegiance to her.

The rationale is that there is no rationale.. At least in a frame work that you or I could understand. BPD is a serious mental illness. A pwBPD cannot maintain healthy adult intimacy , the closeness triggers the BPD behaviors.

My advice would be to read as much as you can about the disorder and depersonalize the behaviors.

[notgoingback]

Thank you Mutt. Your reply has helped me connect many dots. It explains why a heartfelt love poem I wrote her was deliberately ignored. My research has been focused on making sure my diagnosis was accurate and not so much how the behavior touched me inside. I have a zero contact policy with this person now and part of the frustration is I will never get any validation from her or "confession" that she has BPD. "Depersonalizing" her treatment of me will bring me some serenity. Thank you!

Although now I think she tried to clue me in that there was a deeper issue going on in her she never confided in me, all I got was her cryptic descriptions "warning" of her behavior.

I am very much a person of confronting any issue or conflict and see it as a puzzle to be solved and this has added to my frustrations not having confirmation "from her" of what I was working with.

[Rev]

Hi Notgoingback...

So yeah ... welcome... and I'm not going to repeat all the good stuff you've already exchanged... and yes... you are on the real path to recovery and the deeper stuff. 

Five years sober - congrats!  Keep up to the good work of daily work. I support a local mission with a residency program so I can appreciate first hand how much soul searching there is... and therein in lies the rub.

A r/s with someone with BPD can be so invasive that it gets to the core ... .that... fast. 

It gets you back to even the dregs of your personal story that you didn't even really know were left in you.  Give it time - work on the things that surface.  In time, you will be able to let things go because you will have learned how to let it go.

Good for you for getting out so quick.

Merry Christmas or holidays (depending on where you lie on such matters!)

Rev

[notgoingback]

Are you thinking about it daily?  

My mind ruminates on these things daily. I will say I have improved over time through prayer, my personal inspection and work on myself. Sharing my experience here has already helped me feel better. It has just been the most bazar and personally demeaning event I may have ever experienced.

What behaviors did you see?

Accusation of me that seemed to be direct reflections of her own words, actions and behaviors
Emotional retreat after making love
Hypersensitivity to sights, smells and criticism from anyone. I don't think I ever deliberately criticized her but what may have seemed normal discussion of life may have been triggers to her.
Avoiding romantic situations
Extreme neediness
Unrealistic (Huge) expectation of me
Dismissal of things that at one moment seemed very important
Providing me updated list of things she wanted refusing gifts (of any kind) of my choice for her
Constant distraction on other matters, constant attention to her phone.
Unable to concentrate on her work/constantly texting during work hours
Sudden disrespectful mean sarcasm
Threats in reference to people that I encountered in daily life
Love bombing followed by emotional denial of me then rejection
Gradual decrease in personal appearance
No respect for anyone's boundaries
A because I can attitude, very intrusive and sense of entitlements
Over desire for friends on Facebook. Sent friend request to all my friends. Tried to attach herself to everything about me.
Constant attention "the world". Blamed the world for everything.
References to unhealthy sexual desires
Boredom, unable to relax, constant restlessness.

I will stop here.

 
 

[anxiety5]

Are you thinking about it daily? 


Your message strikes me deeply. Feel free to read about my experiences by reading my former posts on here. Let's start where I'm at now. 5 years out. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 5 years. I took almost 2 years off dating working nothing but on myself and have been dating someone for 3+ years now and just got engaged. The redeeming thing about all this...I'm happy and glad that it all happened. Im with the right person now.

So as far as your post is concerned. Everything you said there yes, I experienced some more some less, a few things differently. They operate on a spectrum but it's remarkable and eery as I'm sure you've discovered how similar all our stories are.  That made it easier for me because I reframed it. I could spend time thinking why did she do this? What did I do wrong? Is it my fault? Could I have fixed it? etc.  The truth is no no no no no and no.  Suppose you had the flu. You might conclude the World had inflicted some horrible spell upon you and perhaps the World hates you. You have a fever, throwing up, feel sick for days and ill for weeks.  But then suppose I tell you that the flu is something that 20 million people get every year with the same symptoms? That's how I looked at her condition. I no longer took it as personal after reading all the crazy stories on here that more or less matched mine. I didn't know anyone here, nobody knew me but our stories were all the same.  Much like the flu, it's not a personal attack it's a sickness that inflicts lots of people and the symptoms are relatively the same.  Reframing that let me get over the daily blame, guilt, shame I felt about everything.

I ruminated for months. I read everything I could on BPD. I studied it. I went over so many scenarios of what went down and what I could have done differently, etc.  This is normal. Again, I reframed this like a sickness. I had all these insane things happen and I'd try talking to people and they'd just go quiet or look at me crazy. I had gotten so deep in her nonsense I lost my inner compass of sanity. The things I was describing happening were nuts but I had gotten desensitized to all of it. Then I came here and all those questions, all those mysteries, all the why this or why that were washed away when I read everyone's stories and the symptoms of BPD. It was like being stricken with a mystery illness and then finding a website that finally told me what happened. Suddenly every single thing that happened to me made sense. It had a name. 

Try to remove yourself as the target for what happened or seeing yourself as the victim. You most certainly were the victim so I don't meant that in an insensitive way. What I simply mean is, this mystery illness had a name suddenly to me. A label. It was so clearly exactly what had happened to me I had no doubts that I had found an answer to what was wrong with her and what happened to me in that relationship.  That helped me ruminate less realizing it wasn't anything really personal. What happened is no measure of my self worth, my self respect, my character or who I'm as a person. What happened simply happened because I was dating someone who was sick and she did what people with her condition do. Exactly. Verbatim.

If it helps you to read books on it, study it, etc than I say do it but do it in a way that's healthy. If you give yourself an hour a day to read things bout it, give yourself less time the next week and so on to sort of phase it out.

I will tell you this much. Once you get well, rebuild your life something kinda strange happens. After all the situation I went through, all the ruminating I did on it, all the reading up on it I did afterward, I can today pick out someone who has BPD from a mile away and after 1 conversation. 

The knowledge I was blessed with plus my own gut instinct put me in such a place where I could pick out someone with BPD after a few minutes around then. This is a good thing and the main reason why I was able to recognize her characteristics and behavior to ensure I never meet someone or go through that again. That's priceless. That's one positive from me brains screwing everything that went down so I say do it but don't let it consume you. I think as humans we have an inherent need to know what happens in any given circumstance. That's why shows like unsolved mysteries were on for 20 years and why traffic jams are caused by people looking at the cars on the side of the road after an accident. we have this inner need to try and find out what happened. 

As time goes on like me, you will still think of your ex. But when on the other side of things you fully let go of the why's or what happened inner questions. You find peace and accept it, rebuild and learn from it and when I think of her today I view that entire experience no longer with anxiety or a gut punch when she creeps into my mind. I'm happy today. I'm with the person I'm meant to be with. I instead view the hell I went through with my ex like a necessary right of passage to learn a lot about myself, about redemption, courage, self respect, self worth, self love, about what I want out of a relationship, about being happy. And all the lessons I learned only then allowed me to become the person that met my current fiancé.

Gone is the pain, replaced with gratitude, self pride, and most importantly, happiness and hope about the future.

You will be ok.



My mind ruminates on these things daily. I will say I have improved over time through prayer, my personal inspection and work on myself. Sharing my experience here has already helped me feel better. It has just been the most bazar and personally demeaning event I may have ever experienced.

What behaviors did you see?

Accusation of me that seemed to be direct reflections of her own words, actions and behaviors
Emotional retreat after making love
Hypersensitivity to sights, smells and criticism from anyone. I don't think I ever deliberately criticized her but what may have seemed normal discussion of life may have been triggers to her.
Avoiding romantic situations
Extreme neediness
Unrealistic (Huge) expectation of me
Dismissal of things that at one moment seemed very important
Providing me updated list of things she wanted refusing gifts (of any kind) of my choice for her
Constant distraction on other matters, constant attention to her phone.
Unable to concentrate on her work/constantly texting during work hours
Sudden disrespectful mean sarcasm
Threats in reference to people that I encountered in daily life
Love bombing followed by emotional denial of me then rejection
Gradual decrease in personal appearance
No respect for anyone's boundaries
A because I can attitude, very intrusive and sense of entitlements
Over desire for friends on Facebook. Sent friend request to all my friends. Tried to attach herself to everything about me.
Constant attention "the world". Blamed the world for everything.
References to unhealthy sexual desires
Boredom, unable to relax, constant restlessness.

I will stop here.

 
 

[notgoingback]

Gone is the pain, replaced with gratitude, self pride, and most importantly, happiness and hope about the future.

You will be ok.

I will tell you this much. Once you get well, rebuild your life something kinda strange happens. After all the situation I went through, all the ruminating I did on it, all the reading up on it I did afterward, I can today pick out someone who has BPD from a mile away and after 1 conversation.

Thank you for sharing and your wisdom, experience and hope here, it proves recovery is real. It has been nine months now and I am just now considering another relationship as it would not have been fair to the new person for me to still be stewing on this without having made peace with it.

This is exactly what I am going to achieve from this as it is the same I experienced from my addiction recovery five years ago. This relationship was defiantly threatening my sobriety and I do think is what caused me to exit after just five months.  Gratitude for something so awful seems odd but is so amazing at the same time.

[anxiety5]

Gone is the pain, replaced with gratitude, self pride, and most importantly, happiness and hope about the future.

You will be ok.

I will tell you this much. Once you get well, rebuild your life something kinda strange happens. After all the situation I went through, all the ruminating I did on it, all the reading up on it I did afterward, I can today pick out someone who has BPD from a mile away and after 1 conversation.

Thank you for sharing and your wisdom, experience and hope here, it proves recovery is real. It has been nine months now and I am just now considering another relationship as it would not have been fair to the new person for me to still be stewing on this without having made peace with it.

This is exactly what I am going to achieve from this as it is the same I experienced from my addiction recovery five years ago. This relationship was defiantly threatening my sobriety and I do think is what caused me to exit after just five months.  Gratitude for something so awful seems odd but is so amazing at the same time.

Congratulations on your new relationship and I'm really proud and happy for you for having the self awareness that the last situation was threatening your sobriety. That's really amazing that you had that awareness and self preservation to sense that and most importantly move past that person in the best interests of your health and future. That right there tells me enough about you to know you are strong, wise and have so many great things coming your way for the good decisions you are making. All the best to you!

[Lucky Jim]

One of the nagging questions I have is: Did this person think that through abuse it would somehow retain my complete allegiance to her.

Hey ngb, I agree w/Mutt:  there is no rationale.  I like to call this the paradox of BPD: those suffering from the disorder will do things to bring about the result they seek to avoid.  For example, they fear abandonment, but will take action to drive you away; they long for peace, but create chaos; they want love, but behave in unloveable and abusive fashion; etc.  In other words, their modus operandi is to shoot themselves in the foot and then cry about the pain.  It's neither rational nor reasonable, except that the irrationality fits in the context of BPD.  Does this make sense?

LJ

 

[notgoingback]

Hey LJ,

Yes it does and this exactly what I encountered, it was fascinating painful and completely bewildering to witness. Totally went against all logic. What you describe is what caused me to so confused about if she loved me or not although saying she did.

Because of my no contact policy now I will never get closure from her (not that I could really expect to). Since the breakup this whole thing has been like the five stages of grieving.

Shock and denial
Pain and guilt
Anger and bargaining
Depression
The upward turn

I now feel like I am in step five (The upward turn) due to finding you guys and confirmation that what I experienced was a real mental illness. Depersonalizing it all was huge for me to latch onto. I am sensing a new confidence in myself that was not present before and I am now going to enforce my boundaries in a healthy honest manner. I have learned that I cannot let my emotions be my primary driver in my life. I am in my 50's now for Pete's sake about time I figured this out.

I just did not see this coming and was totally caught off guard. Thank you guys for every reply, each one is another step in recovery.

[Rev]

Hey LJ,



Because of my no contact policy now I will never get closure from her (not that I could really expect to). Since the breakup this whole thing has been like the five stages of grieving.

Shock and denial
Pain and guilt
Anger and bargaining
Depression
The upward turn

I now feel like I am in step five (The upward turn) due to finding you guys and confirmation that what I experienced was a real mental illness. Depersonalizing it all was huge for me to latch onto. I am sensing a new confidence in myself that was not present before and I am now going to enforce my boundaries in a healthy honest manner. I have learned that I cannot let my emotions be my primary driver in my life. I am in my 50's now for Pete's sake about time I figured this out.

I relate to EVERYTHING you write here but especially the parts I have quoted.

The lack of closure - so hard to live with. I have to ask myself - not if I got closure but what kind of closure and be thankful I have that and keep moving forward.

Thanks for this thread.  Really helpful.

Rev

[anxiety5]

I relate to EVERYTHING you write here but especially the parts I have quoted.

The lack of closure - so hard to live with. I have to ask myself - not if I got closure but what kind of closure and be thankful I have that and keep moving forward.

Thanks for this thread.  Really helpful.

Rev

I'm glad you are on the upswing! That's awesome and I love to see it. The closure part is really hard. I think it's not too much different than when someone suddenly passes away and you never get the closure we all crave as human beings.

I wanted to share with you what helped me in this process. So much of your recovery has been I'm sure one underlying constant. Framing all that troubles us with the realization that only we can heal ourselves. We shouldn't need their approval or acceptance to feel good about ourselves. We shouldn't view their treatment of us as a measure of our self worth. Realizing that you are a brother or sister, a son or daughter, a friend, a co-worker, an uncle or aunt, a father or mother.  We have an identity that is critical to nurture away and outside of our relationship with our ex's and if we rekindle whatever role we are to others it's very powerful in delivering the gift of purpose.  We matter.  When we eat better, get rest, practice self care we again our nurturing ourselves.  When we try new things, make an effort to meet new people or simply find joy in the things we used to like nature, a good walk etc, we begin to see beauty in the world again. 
These acts are all actions of self care and healing. Through a freshly focused sense of purpose, self care, affirmation of identity, connection with nature, connection with our health and body and nurturing of relationships through friends and family I finally see that she had no power to control my happiness. I used to view my happiness through a filtered lens of my relationship with her. No more. There is simply too much good in and around my life to hold back any longer. Through this gratitude I found grace. The grace of letting go and forgiving. I forgive her for what happened and I saw that as long as I held on to some pipe dream of getting closure, I was really giving permission for my happiness to her. Through all of the above I realized I don't need permission to heal, to move on or to be happy. So simply put, I quit holding myself hostage by wishing for some sort of closure that I didn't need her permission to get myself.

Letting go is very powerful. It frees you of the burden of carrying someone else's actions on your back.

All the best and so proud to hear everyone here is making positive steps in their lives.  As someone who has been through it myself, you all are the most courageous and strongest people out there in this World. I know what you endured and most importantly how hard it is to claw your way back to a better place. 

[notgoingback]

"we begin to see beauty in the world again"
My vision of people had become tainted by this experience. I had experienced a new level of cruel like  had never seen in a human first hand. Just because it was caused by an illness does not change the effect but now I can see it when it approaches and go around it. I have already done this since.


 "finally see that she had no power to control my happiness"
It was the intent of this person to do just this. Control was the primary tool in her shed. After it was over I found things everywhere she had attached herself to in my life. What I did not return to her on the day I left I have trashed, no skeletons to be left in the closet. I even had her picture on my credit card "good grief".

"I quit holding myself hostage by wishing for some sort of closure that I didn't need her permission to get myself"

I am convinced that the need to have her needs met were so strong that it did not matter what or who provided the fix for her. This help with he depersonalizing of it all. Did she really love me well who knows but I know I love me and so do a lot of other people.

I am now just moving into the forgiveness stage of this experience and I am already beginning to practice the principals of what I have learned from it in my life. My ability to be honest about my needs has not scared off people as I used to think it would but brought them closer in most cases and if they shied away from me it is for the best. Fear of losings a relationship or not getting my needs met will no longer control me.

[Lucky Jim]

Did she really love me well who knows but I know I love me and so do a lot of other people.

Hey ngb,  Self-love sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard for us Nons.  I view it as a cornerstone of one's recovery and glad you recognize its importance.  After being put down for years, it took me a long time to realize that others didn't see me as a terrible person.  I vowed to love and value myself enough that I would never again be the object of anyone's abuse.  That remains my bottom line.  Sounds like you are well on your way down this path!

LJ

[Cromwell]

Recurring thoughts were a big issue upset, they do in time, my belief is it is associated with importance. The relationship felt the most emotionally bewildering upsetting thing it had importance but not for the reasons id hoped for. Its linked also in with depression, ruminating thoughts, lifted when that got dealt with this like most questions is complex and multi factored.

I believe one thing helped also, i was about 1 month off work but then went back even it felt difficult, eventually I picked up old hobbies, talked to family and friends. If i has advice from myself it would be to try as much as possible lead a normal life as have otherwise with the girlfriend missing from it as just exacrly that, a part of a bigger picture rather than too much focus on it and inviting more thoughts about it. If I relate to having physical pain and watching TV as a distraction, i know the pain is still there but I'm not fully connecting with it, eventually it will heal my expedience emotionally ended up this way it just improved and finding a balanced life otherwise seemed to help it along. At the worst moments I took an anti anxiety small tablet and it worked wonders, to slow the thoughts down, to realise the experience was also a function of or product of biochemistry. In other words, about me, not "her" and this was important for detachment too. Good luck thanks for sharing

[notgoingback]

I wanted to provide an update on the progress I have made here. The most hurtful feelings I had was that there was a time that I believed the love I was experiencing was real and to come to a place where that may or may not have been true was so disappointing it was incomprehensible. Willingness to depersonalize of all the words, actions and behaviors of the BPD was extremely significant in the recovery. Additional recovery methods such as professional advice and education on the BPD behavior along with this forum and interactions with people who there is not question as to their love for me was significant.
Having significant recovery experience and what it takes to succeed being a recovered alcoholic of five years now I knew I could move past this life event. I will never forget this event and I now know what I need and what I want, and it has strengthened my abilities to be honest with myself and others. Sometimes it is painful to even comprehend that good can come from bad but this event forced me to go even deeper into my soul and work again the  steps of AA to dig deeper and discover even more of my own shortcomings and grow as a man.
Love, humility, honesty, and confidence in myself is being restored and this event will no longer be in the forefront preventing me from having new relationships built on authentic realities. I am grateful to this forum and to those who responded. Sharing your experiences with others who have lived through the same no matter what the issue is will be incredibly healing.
I will never forget this event but I am finding closure to it now

[Rev]

Love, humility, honesty, and confidence in myself is being restored and this event will no longer be in the forefront preventing me from having new relationships built on authentic realities. I am grateful to this forum and to those who responded. Sharing your experiences with others who have lived through the same no matter what the issue is will be incredibly healing.
I will never forget this event but I am finding closure to it now

Amen.

Rev