Hello. I've spent a lot of time learning from this forum but this is my first post. Since meeting my fiancé nearly a decade ago it has been a challenging relationship in all the usual ways. However he is most certainly the man I wish to be with, and I am fully committed (at this stage) to giving it more time. I would really appreciate any guidance or suggestions on how to pace the relationship, especially the 'ups' or 'idealising' phases, to keep an eye on the stability really.
Last year was very intense for us but this year has been much better actually, much more stable, overall. I learnt a lot about BPD, read all the books, learnt to validate, worked on my codependency, and basically learnt to own what I bring to the dynamic in order to do differently. Communication has been hugely better, I've learnt to pace how much time we spend together by being clearer on boundaries, and I think from my perspective, I've let go of my previous fear about him 'ending things' and thus been better able to repair when it has happened (most recently in November). We are semi-long distance, we both have careers and our own social circles, a fair bit of independence. I have a young child from a relationship during our longest breakup period and need the relationship to be slightly more stable before considering living together. My fiancé is a wonderful man to my son, a really good male figure around him, but I know that I need things to be more stable before I let the attachment become too solid for my son.
I feel much more confident with responding to the more difficult parts of the dynamic now (especially the silences and shut downs, not that they've gone but they are much less intense or extreme) but the positive times seem harder to deal with. I just get swept away by the enthusiasm and sheer loveliness of them. Yes I know, I know that that is the nature of idealisation and it has an addictive quality, and doesn't last. Of course I know that. But when things are going well, and he is on the 'up' with our relationship, HOW on earth to pace that or at least balance it slightly in order to be more sustainable?
After all these years I have finally realised that it is ME who is the problem in this area, more than him, and I am clueless in practice of how to be more sensible about it without being rejecting or even fake. We nearly got married in the autumn (and the one before that, and 2012) and that is something that we both want to happen but I think the main difficulty comes when he gets all 'into' the marriage stuff and I go along with it. I can say now, intellectually, I should have learnt my lesson on this but I don't because ultimately I want it to happen (and because i am 36 and would like more children, if possible). He is the most intelligent, caring, thoughtful human I have ever met and is very insightful into his own actions after the event. However we can't really talk about this kind of stuff in terms of us.
Any advice or suggestions would be hugely welcome! Thankyou all
