You are so spot on with identifying that your family dynamics have contributed to staying in a relationship that wasn’t healthy.
I will give you the condensed version of what I experienced. We were friends first but he pushed a relationship very fast. He was perfect. Extremely attractive, educated, funny and adventurous. I was as he said, his soulmate, as he expressed being in a unhappy marriage for 20 years and I was his unicorn. About six months in the behavior started that would recycle over the next three years. I was constantly accused of being too friendly, smiling at men, having too many friends, having too many plans, dressing inappropriately, not making him a priority, which moved into constant accusations of me cheating. Verbal abuse and horrible accusations, constantly being called a wh*ore and a liar. This progressed to threatening me, going through my phone, stalking men I had nothing to do with that he believed I was sleeping with. There were intermittent out of no where rages and he would throw me away and immediately sleep with other women. I didn’t realize until later that he had multiple women lined up at any moment yet he was accusing ME of cheating. His insecurities were through the roof, no amount of love shown from me was enough. He was very all or nothing, he loved something or he hated it and it would quickly switch. His body image was very off and he would gorge himself with food and then not eat at all. He was very impulsive with decisions, spent a lot of money impulsively. He had no self image. He liked what I liked, he said what I said, he did what I did. Like he mirrored me completely. He drank a lot and drove (he’s a police officer and knows better) One night when he raged at me while out on a date, I drove home separately and he continued to rage via text so I shut my phone off. That night he got drunk and slept with his neighbor. She told her husband he raped her and he threatened to tell me if my ex didn’t. He told me but said IT WAS MY FAULT because I didn’t make him feel wanted enough that night.
I left him after that and he threatened suicide with his duty weapon. Of course I went back for another 1.5 years of his escalating behavior. He expressed I didn’t have sex with him enough, didn’t open up enough (after being vulnerable with him multiple times and then him throwing traumatic past events in my face). He as also very dishonest, either complete lies (like saying he was involved in a shooting on duty when he wasn’t there) or omitting information. After more verbal abuse and throwing me away once again I decided to go no contact. He immediately started dating a new woman and bringing her everywhere and anywhere he knew I was to rub it in my face, then when I would leave establishments as it killed me to see him and he would send horrible emails to my work. During this time he began to stalk me at all hours of the night. Driving by my house, screaming into my Ring doorbell, calling my work phone over and over and over. I am also in law enforcement so the IT department couldn’t block work communication as it was internal. I contemplated suicide at this point, it was the lowest point of this entire situation for me.
He ended up physically assaulting the woman he dated right after me. So he escalated even quicker with her from verbal to physical abuse. He had a history of cheating, he expressed he cheated on his wife immediately after she gave birth and wouldn’t have sex with him and had over 20 affairs on her. A long history of unstable relationships.
He then came back to me, I took him back and we both did a second round of individual therapy. It lasted 5 months before he raged at me horribly and went immediately to a past girlfriend. I blocked him everywhere, went no contact and never looked back. That was 1.8 years ago. The relationship was going to kill me emotionally or physically. Or both.
I should say, he was diagnosed BPD by the therapist we saw individually and as a couple. I did not understand fully at the time what this meant for us. She read through the DSM with me and showed me exactly how he fit this diagnosis. And she strongly encouraged me to leave.
I can tell you that I had an intense trauma bond. I could not understand how I could want someone so badly who treated me so horribly. I completed a year of EMDR as I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’m still working on my confidence and I will make it through this. I’m determined.
I hope this helps. It’s tough to diagnose as we aren’t therapists, but was any of what I mentioned as far as my ex’s behavior things you experienced?
