Dazed and confused by the rapid demise

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My story is much like many who have a BPD spouse. At first, I was her champion — “the perfect man” who could do no wrong. We moved quickly — too quickly — as she swiftly moved to love, then marriage. I had known her for some time, but we only dated for 8 months before we gut engaged. 10 months later, we were married and it will be 8 years in April, although I doubt we make it that long.

We were long distance and soon after I moved back to be with her — eventually buying a house which we moved into with her two kids — I started noticing subtle differences. The intimacy rapidly diminished, and so did her love and encouragement. They were frequently replaced by bouts of anger or despair, typically targeting me as the source. I noticed while the kids could do no wrong, I was slowly unable to do much right — particularly after we moved into the house she wanted. She was overwhelmed by the work involved, particularly since the children rarely participated. When once I thought this would be her “dream home” and I would rescue her from the condo which she seemed to hate, she quickly seemed to hate this house too and blamed me for all of its warts.

Meanwhile, her love for me and the unbelievable intimacy we once had soon became absent. Eventually, she wouldn’t let me touch her and she would turn away when I went to kiss her.

After about 4 years of that, I met a nice woman on a plane. She and I hit it off and she seemed truly into me. I told her I was married, but we were drawn to each other and she could tell I had been emotionally abandoned, and we had an affair.

When my wife found out, she wasn’t as angry as I thought. I told her the details, apologized and ended it with the other woman. I haven’t seen her in more than three years now, although we communicated a little bit.

At first, my wife seemed interested in saving the marriage and for 3 months, it was some of the best times of our marriage. We saw a marriage counselor who we both liked and he was doing some good, until his wife had a baby and then my wife announced that he could no longer see us because “he had more important things now than speaking with us.” She never called for another appointment. I eventually did months later, but sadly, he was leaving the practice and he refused to see us.

Soon after we stopped seeing him, things started spiraling downhill. She became increasingly agitated with me and seemed to blame me as the cause of everything that went wrong in her life. She insisted that the children — 19 and 17 at the time — should know what I did, and she had a conversation with the 17-year-old that resulted in him not speaking with me. That has now gone on for 2 years, even though he lives here in my house full-time (I bought the house and pay all of the bills).

A year-and-a-half ago, I learned my wife had an affair with one of my friends at the time. I learned about it just after I had taken her on a beach vacation when she seemed to have fun with me, but from an emotionally detached location. We attempted to reconcile — even came up with a mutual “marriage pact” to follow and hold us accountable — but she broke that about two months in. One of the items limited the amount of alcohol we consumed and she blatantly disobeyed that and flaunted it to friends at a party. Yes, she has a drinking problem. Since the pact went away, we continued our relationship demise.

I think it’s safe to say my wife has reached the “hater phase” of our relationship, and has told me that she hates me numerous times over the last year — particularly over the last two weeks during the holidays. While I have threatened divorce numerous times, I never followed through because of the financial hit and emotional toll I anticipate taking. But this time, it appears as if we’ve hit rock bottom and there’s no possibility of reconciliation.

So as I head for likely financial ruin and a fight with her over the split and what she is owed, I ask for advice on how best to get out of this gracefully and keep my sanity. She’s so nasty and accusatory and I have no doubt I will feel the emotional scars from her insults and angry words.

Thanks for any advice you can offer. I truly have been dazed and confused by this demise, and since she was the master of keeping me from my friends and relatives, a bit lonely and depressed too.

[TorturedMan]

My story is much like many who have a BPD spouse. At first, I was her champion — “the perfect man” who could do no wrong. We moved quickly — too quickly — as she swiftly moved to love, then marriage. I had known her for some time, but we only dated for 8 months before we gut engaged. 10 months later, we were married and it will be 8 years in April, although I doubt we make it that long.

We were long distance and soon after I moved back to be with her — eventually buying a house which we moved into with her two kids — I started noticing subtle differences. The intimacy rapidly diminished, and so did her love and encouragement. They were frequently replaced by bouts of anger or despair, typically targeting me as the source. I noticed while the kids could do no wrong, I was slowly unable to do much right — particularly after we moved into the house she wanted. She was overwhelmed by the work involved, particularly since the children rarely participated. When once I thought this would be her “dream home” and I would rescue her from the condo which she seemed to hate, she quickly seemed to hate this house too and blamed me for all of its warts.

Meanwhile, her love for me and the unbelievable intimacy we once had soon became absent. Eventually, she wouldn’t let me touch her and she would turn away when I went to kiss her.

After about 4 years of that, I met a nice woman on a plane. She and I hit it off and she seemed truly into me. I told her I was married, but we were drawn to each other and she could tell I had been emotionally abandoned, and we had an affair.

When my wife found out, she wasn’t as angry as I thought. I told her the details, apologized and ended it with the other woman. I haven’t seen her in more than three years now, although we communicated a little bit.

At first, my wife seemed interested in saving the marriage and for 3 months, it was some of the best times of our marriage. We saw a marriage counselor who we both liked and he was doing some good, until his wife had a baby and then my wife announced that he could no longer see us because “he had more important things now than speaking with us.” She never called for another appointment. I eventually did months later, but sadly, he was leaving the practice and he refused to see us.

Soon after we stopped seeing him, things started spiraling downhill. She became increasingly agitated with me and seemed to blame me as the cause of everything that went wrong in her life. She insisted that the children — 19 and 17 at the time — should know what I did, and she had a conversation with the 17-year-old that resulted in him not speaking with me. That has now gone on for 2 years, even though he lives here in my house full-time (I bought the house and pay all of the bills).

A year-and-a-half ago, I learned my wife had an affair with one of my friends at the time. I learned about it just after I had taken her on a beach vacation when she seemed to have fun with me, but from an emotionally detached location. We attempted to reconcile — even came up with a mutual “marriage pact” to follow and hold us accountable — but she broke that about two months in. One of the items limited the amount of alcohol we consumed and she blatantly disobeyed that and flaunted it to friends at a party. Yes, she has a drinking problem. Since the pact went away, we continued our relationship demise.

I think it’s safe to say my wife has reached the “hater phase” of our relationship, and has told me that she hates me numerous times over the last year — particularly over the last two weeks during the holidays. While I have threatened divorce numerous times, I never followed through because of the financial hit and emotional toll I anticipate taking. But this time, it appears as if we’ve hit rock bottom and there’s no possibility of reconciliation.

So as I head for likely financial ruin and a fight with her over the split and what she is owed, I ask for advice on how best to get out of this gracefully and keep my sanity. She’s so nasty and accusatory and I have no doubt I will feel the emotional scars from her insults and angry words.

Thanks for any advice you can offer. I truly have been dazed and confused by this demise, and since she was the master of keeping me from my friends and relatives, a bit lonely and depressed too.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey TM-

I am so so sorry for what you’re going through, and I welcome you to our community.  Please don’t give up on yourself too  easily.

Yes, these relationships are confusing and devastating, but this does NOT necessarily have to mean the end of your everything.  Not at all.

It does sound as if you have reached your limit with the marriage, correct?  If so, have you consulted a lawyer (L)?  Do NOT involve her in this step.

Contacting an L NOW sounds like your best next step so that you will truly UNDERSTAND what lies ahead... perhaps NOT “financial ruin”... as you now believe.  Disordered partners (BPD/NPD) can so twist our thinking and convince us of this hopelessness that may not be even remotely true.  After all, this was an 8-year marriage, NOT a lifelong marriage.  You do NOT share young children.  And no - you are NOT “worthless”... as she would undoubtedly have you think.

As for the home, is she on title?  If so, it sounds as if she contributed zero to the down payment or ongoing payments, which  may play a role in what she’ll derive from a sale of the home.  Your L can tell you.  Every State is different.  And is her working or not working her choice or convenience?  Another issue to be addressed. 

You do NOT owe this woman your life.

I know it seems I am taking a very “business like” approach in my response to you.  I’m so sorry.  But, my friend... I went through this the hard way, and paid a very steep price I didn’t need to pay.

But sadly, that’s how you’ll need to approach her from now on.  From my stance, it seems she took a pretty narcissistic approach to your union... got what she wanted and washed her hands of the meaning of marriage.

My friend, please know that isolation is a very key tool used by people with certain disordered traits.  Do ALL you can to reignite some of your relationships / your support network with old friends and family.  People who will NOT contact her.  You can be honest about what happened.  I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the understanding you’ll likely receive from those who truly love and have missed you over these years.  And keep those contacts to yourself.

Finally, take whatever steps necessary to care for yourself.  Sounds so elementary - but exercise, sleep, good food, quiet time, breathing, limited alcohol, staying OFF of social media until this thing is DONE, keeping your nose clean... you get the gist.

Please keep posting.  We’re here.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[TorturedMan]

Thank you for the reply and the advice. It is very helpful.

I have reached the limit with the marriage. She says she hates me more than her previous three husbands and her family hates me And does want me around (which is a lie, according to a family member), so there's no hope of recovery from that -- particularly after she already had an affair with a friend of mine and broke the marriage pact we signed. I do have a meeting set up with the lawyer. She will not be there.

I have had previous counsel with this L and while it may be costly because she brings in little income, there may be a limit to what she can claim I owe to her.

On the home, it is mine, and she knows it. I paid for it, am exclusively on the title, pay all the mortgage and the bills. She understands that she and her children will eventually have to leave as long as I give them a reasonable amount of time to move out.

She is working now, and that's good. It was by her choice that she previously wasn't working.

My friends all day I need to get some distance from her and this relationship now, and I'm trying to. It's tough while I'm living at home with her, but I'm trying to find other things to do and reconnect with people. It has been too long.

I agree with your assessment of the marriage. That is exactly how she treated it. She actually didn't write vows fir our ceremony.

I am doing all those personal health things you suggested. They help as I try to fight off the depression and loneliness. I think the social media suggestion is a good one. I suspect it may get ugly.

Thanks again for the advice. I'll keep you posted.

TM