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[Elbow]

My daughter is 28, diagnosed at 14. Going through a real bad spell. In an abusive relationship, being badly battered. Heavy alcohol use and maybe other substances. Work has always been her strong suit, kept the wheels out of the ditch. Now unemployed due to COVID and functioning is deteriorating. I’m so worried.
I have never openly discussed her diagnosis with her. I’m one of her few supports. Is it time? How did you actually have this conversation? I’m not afraid of her anger but of her turning away when she is in such a bad place.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Elbow,

Welcome, welcome!

This is a tough one, you never know how it will be received.

In my case I felt it was simply not fair to my son for him to not know what he was dealing with.  I feel that way for your daughter as well.   Is it fair for her to struggle through life not knowing why she is struggling or what she is struggling with and therefore not having access to the resources to help her deal with it?

How is your relationship with her, is she at the stage where she blames you for everything?  If not maybe it would be best for you to approach her with this before she gets to that stage.

On the flipside:
There is nothing that makes my son angrier than asking him to seek help.   I tell him "You can't tell me you are suicidal and then in the same breath tell me you don't need help".   That doesn't work.    He flips out.   He feels gaslighted.   He feels like we treat him badly and then tell him he needs help.   It's like when a rape victim gets told they are dirty and go clean themselves up.   That is how he takes it.

So, those are the two sides to the story to contend with.   How do you imagine it will go with your daughter?   What resources can you offer her if she is accepting?

R

[PearlsBefore]

You have a couple of options here, either "talk to her about her BPD" which is something she can't ever realistically get rid of and is a title she presumably does not like being affixed, or "talk to her about the problems plaguing her and how to overcome them - but skip mention of BPD".

Most people will agree that the "best" cure that most BPDs will see is a combination of a gradual natural decline in frenetic fits or aggressive behaviors as they age, and even while they're young learning things like DBT/CBT skills can help both parties communicate in ways that are less likely to end with hurt feelings, slammed doors or self-harm. You can't speed along the first one, and the second one doesn't sound like it's a major part of her problems right now.

So I strongly vote "Let's go with "talk to her about the problems plaguing her and how to overcome them - but skip mention of BPD"." Suggesting she leave her relationship is likely to trigger her abandonment complex, she'll cling even more tightly to the jerk feeling their relationship is 'threatened' by your disapproval. Instead I'd say focus on either the "Work" aspect or the sobriety aspect, and cross your fingers that once she reclaims her dignity and sober mind...she'll kick him to the curb at the same time.

If the workplace was her forte, I'd say that's your best bet. I know one person who actually handled a "What about you just get a McJob?" discussion where he feared her disdain for menial work after having had a "real" job disappear...so he volunteered that if she'd work at the McJob, he'd lower himself to the position of fry-monkey for a couple hours a week himself. She thought it was funny, they both went, got the jobs (I think they wanted not-simultaneous shifts, she worked like 30 hours and he picked up 3 hours on Saturdays...but that way they could both phone each other and gripe about hating the same manager, and she felt he "empathized" with her and validated her when she talked about how much she hated X or Y at work, etc.

The jobs didn't last long-term (weren't really meant to), but it was a brilliant short-term move to get her out of the rut.

Just a crazy idea.

[Resiliant]

Pearls said

So I strongly vote "Let's go with "talk to her about the problems plaguing her and how to overcome them - but skip mention of BPD"."

Thanks for that Pearls, I really appreciate it.

With the way that things have gone I often find myself second-guessing whether or not I did the right thing in the past or if I am doing the right thing now.

What you described is how I have treated my son.   Even when he was growing up with an ADHD diagnosis I never sat him down to discuss his diagnosis and give him that label.  My reasoning as that I didn't want him to grow up feeling like he was somehow "less" than others and also I sure didn't want him to be able to use it as a crutch.

At the same time, his school did develop an IEP (individual education plan) and I did end up homeschooling him for 2 years due to the amount of bullying combined with the fact that he just wasn't doing well in school.  He excelled in home schooling so I feel that worked.   I also took him to bio-feedback training, counsellors specializing in ADHD and Aspergers, and educational counsellors specializing in ADHD and Aspergers.  He even went to a summer camp that was specifically for ADHD kids.    So yes, I took your approach.   Thanks for making me feel better about it!

Who wants to be told they have a personality disorder?  I expect it would feel extremely hurtful. 

One of the reasons that my son is so adverse to the idea of getting help at this stage is that he is afraid of a diagnosis.  He is afraid of being labelled and therefore judged with the possibility of not being able to get certain jobs or go certain places.  He has told me that this is how he feels.  And, I don't push it because I respect his feelings and believe that it is a very valid concern.   I always thought - okay slightly exaggerated but still valid.

Until this year.

In Toronto right now there is a court case going on where a young man drove a van into a crowd of people, killing several.  What is going on with the defense right now and is all over the news is his lawyers are using Aspergers / High Functioning Autism as part of his defense.   The Autism community is outraged and I don't blame them.  The way that this could affect others with the same diagnosis is alarming.

I have never told my son that he is any label.   And, like my previous post suggest I have often wondered if it was the right thing to do or not.   Thanks again Pearls for clearing this up for me!

My son's father on the other hand - who also has a long history of raging - has yelled at my son in exasperation calling him bipolar.   That's unfortunate.

Happy New Year!

R