Married 34 years

[Amelia24]

I'm new to this group but and seeking understanding and support.  I'm newly separated after 36 years with the same man - married 34 trying to cope & make sense of so many years of abuse while adjusting to the new normal. 
My very successful husband was diagnosed with a spectrum of 3 personality disorders: Borderline, OCPD, and Narcissistic personality disorder. He required almost constant admiration and the need to be in control of every situation.  As president of his company, he was in the position of almost everyone around him praising and agreeing with him in all things.  His eccentric behavior included wild spending on possessions to make himself appear special and better than everyone else.  He would refer to himself as being able to see things that others could not which drove him deeply into prepping for upcoming disasters.  Nuclear attack, war, riots, food shortages. 

He needed me to agree with all of his ideas the family endured countless hours of lectures by him to my children and myself in order to improve our faults.  The lectures were mainly given to me and for years I believed him.  He was very interested in pointing out my faults and adamant about wanting to "improve me".  I was a Stepford wife from the outside and spent most of my adult life trying to live up to his unreasonable expectations.  It was totally exhausting and damaging to my children and my self-worth.

At the age of 62 after more than a year of intensive therapy with a very good psychotherapist, she even felt it was in my best interest to leave.  We are not yet divorced and have a very complicated situation of him putting me on a pedestal and then devaluing me until I don't even know who I am.  I'm spending a lot of time reading and with my children and grandchildren.  It's difficult to begin again during a pandemic when everything is shut down.  One of the most difficult things for me is what to say to friends about my situation.  Only my sister and 2 very close friends really know the extent of the abuse and I really don't want to talk about painful details.  My children want almost nothing to do with their father and he just doesn't understand because in his mind he was a fantastic father and husband.  Wondering if others have had similar experiences. 
Thanks for listening.

[Mutt]

Hi Amelia24,



I want to welcome you BPDFamily. I am sorry that you’re going through this especially during these unprecedented times. As I was reading your post your stbxpwBPD/NPD it reminded me of a family member with how he is an externalizer and how emotionally draining that is it must of been crushing inside with how long your history together is.

It's difficult to begin again during a pandemic when everything is shut down.  One of the most difficult things for me is what to say to friends about my situation.  Only my sister and 2 very close friends really know the extent of the abuse and I really don't want to talk about painful details.  My children want almost nothing to do with their father and he just doesn't understand because in his mind he was a fantastic father and husband.

This stuck out for me. Speaking of emotionally draining it’s hard to talk about this at any length of time you might yourself wanting to talk about things in spurts or maybe it will be a marathon.

On the side of that you may be thinking about the needs of your friends and family and not wanting to put too much on them. That said if they have not a r/s that has a similar history in length and norms than its hard for them to get it. They may offer you advise that is more suitable if you were in a marriage with a non.

As an externalizer he won’t think of himself any differently than the current pedestal that he has put himself on.

We encourage you to read as much about the disorder as possible it’s a huge part of the healing process and it helps to talk to others that have been a similar situation. There’s a lot of resources here and the lessons are on top of this board.

[forevermagenta]

Hi Amelia24,

Welcome to this group - I am also new as well and have found reading people’s experiences as well as the top threads in the discussion (lessons/detaching/workshops) very helpful and validating.

I’m sure there are others here who can relate to the extent and complexity of such a long term relationship, but I wanted to pipe in regarding your comment of not knowing what to say to people about the separation. There is a thread within the lessons (?) section (I can’t find it! ) about naming different stages of our lives and thinking of them as files. Instead of pulling out the divorce file (with all the feelings involved) pull out the HR divorce file (a few sentences). I believe their example was “it’s complicated and we are working through it. I will keep you updated as I know more” (or something like that).

Hoping someone else might know offhand where to find this thread and be able to share. I personally found this simple concept quite profound.

[Mutt]

Hi forevermagenta,

There is a thread within the lessons (?) section (I can’t find it! ) about naming different stages of our lives and thinking of them as files. Instead of pulling out the divorce file (with all the feelings involved)

I think you’re searching for Emotional Memory Management.

5.07 | Dealing with ruminations

Emotional Memory Management (Ruminations) - Joseph Carver, Ph.D.