Need help Dealing with exes Health “Crisis” real or imagined

[Purplerain23]

I have gone no contact after a 2 year engagement and 1 year dating my diagnosed but untreated ex. I had to get a no trespass for my work ( said he wouldn’t stalk me but showed up next day )and get the church pastors and an accountability assigned to him. At first he has stuck to this . It has given me a chance to finally come out the Fog .

Then last night received Apology and invitations to a fancy dinner and resort trip for February. In the past this would have worked But I know better now. I didn’t respond . Today I got email that he’s been in the urgent care and is having severe respiratory issues. Which he does have. I sent an email and said I’m sorry I can’t be the person caring for him anymore. It made me feel awful. I tried to be direct kind not blame or shame but I don’t know if I did the right thing by Answering at all !

Does anyone have exes with health issue either real or imagined that have reached out ? If so what did you do ? How did you handle feeling horrible after sticking to your boundaries.

[Mutt]

Hi Purplerain23,

I don’t have an ex with health issues. I can understand feeling bad because an ex is having health issues.

BPD is stormy interpersonal r/s’s - a part of decent to good r/s skills is communicating without saying things directly and being able to prewar between the lines.

There are many members that have an ex with mental illness of some kind and some with traits and few with a BPD diagnosis and sometimes a BPD diagnosis is not given because of insurance purposes. To a degree having your mental illness categorized and knowing what the issue is there is effective treatment but a lot of people choose to stay sighing their comfort zone and have magical thinking - it is a choice.

I had to get a no trespass for my work ( said he wouldn’t stalk me but showed up next day )and get the church pastors and an accountability assigned to him.

Let’s flip this around now if this were to happen to you - what is the message that is between the lines? If you were to put me in a position were I have to be blunt, thats going to be on you because I’ve already telegraphed you you that it’s done and I don’t want to communicate with you.

It’s testing boundaries - I’m sorry to hear that he’s in ICU and I wish him a speedy recovery. ICU units have highly specialized doctors - you’re in the best possible care. I think that you did the right thing you showed sympathy for him but you were also firm that you’re not in a r/s role.

[Purplerain23]

Thank You Mutt!

Yes , boundary testing or attempting to make contact in some form or fashion . It’s a lot for me to be recovering from codependency and navigate sometimes what’s the “ right” thing to do when I’ve been doing the wrong thing for so long ... the more I read these boards the more I learn and see the same patterns in relationship dynamics . I have had one week of putting the focus back in myself and there’s so much neglect . Thank you for your support bpd family !

[kells76]

Hi Purplerain23;

You may have seen this before, but there's a link in the green bar above (the smaller one, not the big one), where it says Help!, Groups, Search Threads, Search Members, etc. If you click on Search Members, look for Red5's posts. From what I recall, he was coping with an ex who had serious cancer. You can check out what he wrote and see if anything is helpful.

Have a good night;

kells76

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Purplerain, The bottom line is that you're not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept.  All you can do is express your concern, which you did.  I suggest you let go of the feelings of guilt/obligation, which in my view are remnants of codependency. 

LuckyJim