SO now accusing me of having BPD

[99bio06]

Hi all. I have been married 26 years to my SO who has Dissociative Identity Disorder and I think BPD based on his behavior.

For years he switches between his 14+ personalities and is great at splitting. I’m either bad or good, abandoning him if I don’t immediately answer the phone, go out of town for work, etc. he started finally seeing a therapist and now is convinced I am the one who is abusing him and I have BPD. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 years now for my depression and anxiety. Some due to my childhood but so much from dealing with his behavior for decades.

Not only is he saying I have BPD, he cannot remember ever behaving in the ways he did, like telling my girls when they were 3 and 7 that I was going out of town because I loved my work more than them, calling me while I’m at a Conference yelling at me until I’m crying on the floor, say our animals are dying while I’m out of town, being horrible and rude to my coworkers and friends, dismissing me whenever his friends ask me questions because they are his friends and he has to be the center of attention, insists I kiss him while I’m working in front of my coworkers if he shows up, etc. I can go on and write a 100 page book with examples.

He now uses the SET on me when I get frustrated and claims I’m gaslighting him when he doesn’t remember something.

I’m completely lost and have no idea what is real  anymore. I know these things happened, and so many others, but he keeps saying how I just won’t accept the fact that I can’t remember correctly and how horrible I am because I get stuck on an idea and won’t accept I’m wrong.  He uses my diagnoses against me so much.

He also says he doesn’t need medication because nothing is wrong with him and if he has any anxiety it’s my fault because I’m crazy and have emotional issues.

I am so frustrated and lost. Has anyone else had their BPD SO turn the tables like this on them and what can you recommend  I know SET, which admittedly I am horrible at, especially since he’s convinced he doesn’t have DID and I’m the one with issues.

Thanks!

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[Cat Familiar]

26 years is a long time to be married to someone with the kind of mental health issues you describe. You need a medal. 

But at the same time, it certainly can be wearing. Undoubtedly you’re very strong, but over time it surely can take its toll.

Other than doing therapy, what do you do for your own personal enjoyment and fulfillment? With the pandemic, it’s hard to recommend social activities, but is there some online group that you can participate in, such as AlAnon? It may not be exactly what you need, but I suspect you could also find a codependents group. I think you need to be around supportive people, with whom you might be able to participate in person in the future.

Much projection goes on with our BPD partners, and since the disorder is so shame-based, projecting their own issues upon us is a very common situation. The same goes with “forgetting” about their own behavior.

Keep posting here and tell us more. Do you have kids? Is your husband employed? What other issues reoccur in your relationship?

[99bio06]

Thank you!

Yes we have two kids. He works and is high functioning. He keeps a job and is very successful. He is also extremely fearful of being poor, so I’m sure that motivates keeping the job.

He hates it that I work and it doesn’t help that my job takes me out of town sometimes. I have never worked full time though, only contract, because I had to make concessions and I do get to be with my kids. It has, however, put me in a position of not having good retirement that is my own or a steady job. It makes me feel trapped.

To try to keep my sanity, I started playing soccer again years ago. That did NOT go well with him - for me I have a blast and am still playing. I kept playing because I needed it. It took about 6 years before he quit saying nasty things. He just pouts now. I used to volunteer a lot, but also realized I was just finding ways to not be around him and I was stretching myself too thin.

I’ve made sure the girls can get to do things important to them like hobbies, hanging out with friends, playing sports or doing afterschool activities. It was horrible and every game day the comments would start because “I was forcing them” or he doesn’t like it because it takes up too much of their time etc. he will be nasty to me about it out of earshot of the girls. Finally he just quit mentioning it because he realized I would not let him but he gives me the silent treatment when they play, etc.  He just kept taking it out on me. Yes there was one time I just broke down because he had been so horrible, I mean really attacking and nasty comments and said the girls couldn’t play anymore because insist couldn’t keep it up - it had been 4 years at that point. I sucked it up afterward and they still play/have lives. It helped  when they told their dad that they want to play and want to do those things.

People would even comment to me how they didn’t understand why a dad wouldn’t come to games or just sit on his phone if he did show up (which was about 5 times total over 6 years). He finally started going after one of the parents said they felt sorry for our daughter because he thought her parents never came. I was the coach and he didn’t realize she was my daughter.

His personalities sometimes result in some very teenager behavior, especially as the girls grow up. It gets very awkward. His switches now are less distinct and abrupt when it happens, so we can get slammed quickly by not realizing who is there.

I have gotten to the point where I just go and do. It’s better to take the nasty comments and silent treatment than be trapped in the house.

Um... he also just doesn’t participate with the family anymore. He sits in his office, sleeps, or plays video games. It’s gotten worse. It really frustrates me.

 I tend to argue and take the defensive stance by going on offense. I blow up so many times out of frustration and say things that aren’t nice myself. I know my behavior just makes things worse, but there are so many times I just can’t take it. Getting so frustrated to the point of just yelling I hate you, or just so angry that I can’t stop arguing (many times yelling) to make him see what he has done makes me feel horrible after I’ve had time to cool off.  I don’t see myself as a victim or perfect, just a very frustrated, overwhelmed, and lost person. I have my issues and I start things. . I just have no idea how to deal with the latest that he sees me as crazy with BPD and the majority reason for our issues.He can’t see that, yes I have my issues brought in before we started dating 31 years ago, but how his behavior over that long time can do some serious damage to someone.

Thank you for listening! It’s nice not to feel alone.

will look up AIAnon.

[Cat Familiar]

Simply put, there’s no arguing with crazy. You don’t have to defend yourself against his baseless allegations. Let him think whatever he wants. Saves a lot of time and energy. You know who you are.

Have you heard about not JADEing? Justifying Arguing Defending Explaining.

When someone has BPD, JADEing is like pouring gas on a fire. We think we can explain things so that they can understand our perspective. NO. Perhaps it can work when they’re in a calm and reasonable state. But best to avoid it all together.

By trying to share our perspective, they feel like we are devaluating theirs.

Here’s a link with more info on this topic.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0