Having trouble accepting a relationship is over

[B00K84]

I have known my husband for 10 years and married for 3.  The last year of our marriage we've been separated after a particularly traumatic episode.  I don't know if my husband has BPD (and if so not so severe as I have read other accounts of) but some traits seem similar.  He also was the child of an alcoholic parent for many years which I read was sometime a pathway to developing some of these traits.   Since this incident he has finally taken some serious steps in seeing a regular therapist and becoming sober and going to AA meetings.  Despite this I feel like the relationship may be irreparably damaged.  I keep wishing I didn't feel this way but even though hes made so much progress I think I won't be able to trust him or be vulnerable with him anymore.  I feel so sad and guilty about this as I am basically reinforcing his abandonment complex he developed in childhood.   He is such a good person but he hurt me very badly many times even though he didn't mean it.  I keep comparing it in my head to other diseases- like if he had cancer or some physical illness I would never leave him - so feel like I shouldn't treat a mental illness any differently.  I've been working with a therapist who is helping me see that I can't continue to support someone when it was coming at such a great expense to my personal wellness but still can't stop thinking that I should have been stronger and if I had handled it better than maybe it would have turned out differently.  I moved out about 9 months ago and we continue to speak from time to time, but feel like I can't continue in this limbo but the thought of finalizing it with a divorce is so painful and I haven't been able to go through with it.  Not sure what I'm looking for here, but maybe just others who really struggled with a similar situation.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Book84, Don't beat yourself up!  If your H suffers from BPD, it's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have made a difference.  Just the way it is with BPD.    I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs for a change, and continue to listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Goosey]

Lucky Jim nailed it.

[Mutt]

Hi B00K84,



I’d like to join the others and welcome you to BPDFamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time and for the circumstances that you led you to the forum.

You’ll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You’re not alone.

You are correct that BPD is a spectrum disorder - you have some pwBPD that are low functioning they can’t hold down a job, have a hard time keeping it together and you have some people that may be doing well in theirs wild and can keep it together around others.

I want to thank you for having the courage to sign up and share you true feelings. It helps to talk. My advice is to read as much as you can about the disorder you’ll quickly see benefits and become proficient over time.

Try to be an observer and emotionally detach from moments where you’re thinking about him.

keep comparing it in my head to other diseases- like if he had cancer or some physical illness I would never leave him - so feel like I shouldn't treat a mental illness any differently.

There is treatment for a mental illness and it’s a very difficult thing to cope with but it’s also on the person that’s mentally ill to get help for themselves.

Has he displayed motivation to want to get help for himself?

[tvda]

OP, your phrase about 'if it were any other illness' rings so many bells in my head and my heart.

I spent two years fighting and putting up with abuse of a BPD partner, thinking the exact same thing: "I a truck hit her, and she would have lost her legs, I would have been the lowest of the low if I would have left her. This is just the same, only the damage is in her head..."

The fault in this reasoning is that BDP plays out in the field of relationships. If your partner would get cancer, you would still be able to have a loving, respectful, reciprocal relationship, where perhaps the physical care would be unbalanced, but the emotional care would be symmetrical. Your needs would still be met, and that would allow and enable you to still have a loving relationship and get the care you deserve and need.

No such thing when dealing with partners with a personality disorder, so don't fall into this trap, this line of thinking.

[mermaid8]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It isn't easy.

The common thread among many of us who have had a BPD partner is that we are empathetic and nurturers. We often times put others' feelings before our own -- sometimes to a fault. This is why so many of us have struggled about leaving a BPD relationship/partner, despite how awful the situation made us feel. For many, they would have left long ago.

I've noticed that the BPD person will move on to someone else who is also disordered and that relationship will last longer than the one with those of us who are grounded and healthy. Two disordered individuals somehow feed off of the dysfunction... My ex was with my replacement that he already had lined up, for more than twice as long as we were together. She had a plethora of issues...

I used feel the same way that you do -- in that "If my ex had a chronic physical illness, I'd stick with him...and love him unconditionally"... The fact is, I still would have tried to work through his psychological issues and BPD (he is undiagnosed) IF he had chosen to get help. You see, they are still making a choice to remain untreated. They may not have a choice about whether they have a disorder, but they do have a choice about getting some help to save their relationship.

As I look back at my r/s I actually know he did me a favor by ending it. Even though it hurt me tremendously, I would have had a MUCH harder time being the one to break it off and I would have remained miserable for so much longer. I became free from that turmoil of uncertainty and the ups and downs...

You can still be supportive but staying in a miserable situation isn't good for you and getting out doesn't mean you still don't love him unconditionally. You're just putting up your boundaries by saying enough is enough and you put yourself first.