New, exhausted

[rum2020]

Not sure if my husband has BPD, NPD or just in the property abuser triangle on the abuse wheel. I feel like my life is entirely about managing his moods. Any and every little setback or frustration ends up a mountain instead of a molehill. I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells, and honestly I am just angry. Angry that all those people can't see how much pain they cause, I wonder if it is a mental disorder or just an excuse to be immature and selfish. On the other hand I just want to cry and not have to mentally guard myself every time I walk through my front door.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi rum2020, you do sound exhausted. It is taking so much of your energy to try to manage the volatile moods and predict how it'll go when you walk in the door.

I think you're on to something in that really, it isn't about the label (NPD, BPD, etc) -- it's about the person's behaviors. If only a diagnosis or label made them better... if only.

When you feel up for it, care to describe a little more of what you're dealing with? We'll get it... nothing is too crazy, too weird, too whatever. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

How long have you and your husband been married?

Any kids involved? If so, how old are they, and how are they doing with his volatility and unpredictability?

Did things take a "turn for the worse" at some point, or has he always kind of been this way?

What is the biggest challenge facing you right now?

And, are you safe?

Here for you, and again, welcome to the group;

kells76

[rum2020]

Thank you for the understanding words. I don't really have a support system and it means a lot. We have been married almost 4 years, no kids. It has always been rocky. This last year has been extremely difficult. I don't know about anyone else, but the events of 2020 really seemed to make my husband feel even more like he is not in control of his life. Certain incidents is what made me believe there may be something more than just emotional immaturity or anger management issues.

People tend to remember events differently after an amount of time. But there were times were he thought I had done something where clearly I had not. Like moving his jacket, or leaving his tool outside. I knew I had not done so and defended myself, but he was 100% certain in his belief that I had done these things, was lying about it, and did it on purpose. Everything that everyone does seems to be with the intent of hurting him. Everything is black and white, nothing is gray. He always judges everyone, sees the faults, the flaws, the mistakes everywhere. He just seems so confused about people just being human.

Most of the time I just feel like a deer in headlights. It just seems like reality it always shifting. Communication seems impossible. There are issues I need to work on with boundaries, and being more assertive. Reading about the communication dyslexia in the Essential Family Guide to BP helped. I even got my hearing checked because he kept telling me there must be something wrong with my hearing. I have read books on communication but the typical solutions of active listening and clarification don't seem to work with BPD. I get yelled at if I ask questions, I get yelled at if I don't it, it creates this minefield of trying to guess today what the correct path is, only I never guess right. the response has to be perfect, with the perfect timing.

Has anyone else found better ways of communicating? Also I am starting to realize I may be repressing some anger and resentment, anyone have some good coping strategies that has worked for them? I am trying to find a therapist now, and trying to at least figure out what I can do on my part, but part of me wonders if it can ever truly get better living with someone with this.

[Hollie14]

O hun I get this, you have practically described my life, I am in the Uk, my husband has not been diagnosed with this but I am sure he has it to some degree. Like you never knowing how it’s going to be one day to the next, especially with the problems with people “talking about him and being mean” which doesn’t happen but he won’t have it , I’ve given up trying to give other reasons, now I just change the subject. He also kept bring up past events 20 years ago or more so that I just couldn’t take it anymore and he found an e mail I sent to a help centre and realised that we were on the verge of divorce, now the past doesn’t come up anymore I guess it’s establishing boundaries.he also apologised, if I was younger had no kids, and could afford it I would not be here today, they never change that much, they won’t get help because they think it’s every one else not them.  Sorry not to have anymore advice but to say do what’s best for you.